Forever and Always, cont.

This is a fictional story continued from last week's post.
--------

My forehead is pressed against the hallway corner and my ass is still warm from the spanking you gave me a few minutes ago. You told me that you never stopped loving me. I do believe you, but I can't help wondering how you could put me through so much heartache. I was in so much emotional pain when I thought you had been taken away from me. It scares me still to know that you could do something without thinking of the possible consequences and not come home...not come back to me. Why? There’s just no way it could have been worth it to you. I don’t want to go through that again. I want to move passed it and I’m working on it, but you are going to have to help me. I can’t do it alone.

I know why I’m tired a lot and I know why I don’t want to do the things I used to...because you are right - I am afraid. I’m afraid of caring too much and afraid of losing you. I’m afraid of getting hurt - my heart was broken and I’m not back to normal, yet. I still get anxious, angry, and depressed at times.

In hindsight, I stopped doing my normal things (like video games, darts, blogging, etc.) because in my mind they just aren’t worth my time when I could be in your arms where I can still feel protected and like you aren’t going anywhere. That’s where I feel safe. I’m not ready to do other things yet. We are moving slowly and I need that right now. I just wish I knew how to tell you all of this so that you’d understand where I’m coming from, because I’ve never stopped loving you either.

Those moments where I can’t look at you...aren’t because I don’t love you or have stopped loving you or have given up. I can’t look at you because of me...because I truly believe that I am not worth the trouble. My heart, mind, and soul are so fragile right now...why would anyone bother, why would anyone want to take care of, to love, to cherish, to protect me? It’s too much hassle, too much work, too much to ask. So, I look down and cry….broken, weak, and worthless….so much for that strong, independent young woman.

I have no doubt that I will be that person again...maybe not as young and maybe a little stronger, but I do know that it’s going to take time.

You once compared addiction to something like cancer. You asked, “If I got cancer, does that mean you’d stop loving me?” The answer is no. I would still love you if you had cancer. Just like I still love you today. I believe we will get through today for a better tomorrow, but I ask you the same thing...only I’ll compare being broken and afraid to being really sick. Would you leave my bedside and stop loving me?

You often ask me what's wrong and want me to talk to you, but I don't want to sound like I'm always nagging and complaining. I don't want you to get defensive. I don't want you to think that you’re not doing anything right. I see you trying and I even see you adjusting. The things that I don't like or would like to change are things that would ultimately protect you, protect us from things that could go wrong and be out of our control. You don't think we can control others...you’re right, but we can control enough of what we say and do to make a difference.

I don't want to look back with regret and say, “That's the day I lost you,” I want to look back with pride and say, “That's the day we found us again. That's when we put ourselves and our relationship on the top of our priority list.”

I guess the answer to your question of, “Why have you stopped…?” is so much more than, “I just don't feel like it, I don't know, or I'm afraid.”

So, how do I explain this to you? Maybe I need to do something I used to do...I’ll type up a blog entry, then you'll read it and we’ll talk about it.

From the corner, I call out, "Honey?"

"Yes, Love?"

"May I go publish a blog post? I think it'll help me gather my thoughts."

After a pause, "Yes, you may, but I better not catch you reading other stories."

"Yes, Sir."

As I turn around to head to the computer desk and start to pass our bedroom door, you arrive with our new leather paddle in hand. "Before you go, why don't you bend over so I can make sure you're sitting on a freshly warmed behind while you type."

Yikes! I bend over with my hands on my knees and he places his hand on my lower back.

He delivers nine solid whacks. Then, he sends me on my way with a kiss.

The cool leather computer chair is actually quite soothing while I start putting together my thoughts.

...to be continued.

--------
Wow, this story that I’ve created with it’s made up corner time actually worked very well for figuring out how to share what I'm feeling.

Forever and Always

I used to write stories of events that actually haven't happened outside of my head.  These were usually stories of things that I might have liked to have happened...for instance, if I wanted a conversation to go a certain way between Tom and myself, then I would make up a dialogue and scene to go with it. After reading it, Tom would understand where I'm coming from a little better and then we could have a conversation about it. This is one of those stories.

-----

“Come with me.” Your expression tells me I shouldn’t argue, and you hold out your hand expectantly.

I’m not exactly sure what to think. Slowly, I reach out and you take my hand. You turn and you pull me toward our bedroom. You take me to the bench at the end of our bed and sit down before pulling me over your lap. Lots of emotions are running through my head - anxiety, excitement, slight confusion, and yes, even a little fear.

You rest your left hand on my waist and your other hand starts caressing my bottom. “I think it’s time for a change. You haven’t had quality time over my knee in a while, so I’m going to change that.”

“Umm…” You pop my bottom hard three times, but they don’t really make much of an impression as my jeans are still on.

“All I want to hear from you right now is, ‘Yes, Sir.’”

“Yes, Sir,” I reply quietly.

“Stand up for a minute.” You unbuckle my belt and undo the button on my jeans. Then, you slide them down to my ankles and tip me back over.

You start spanking in a light and playful manner at first. A couple of minutes go by before you say, “I know you miss this.” I nod even though it wasn’t a question. “Lift up a bit, My Love.” He slides my panties down and massages my cheeks. “You aren’t even pink, yet. Let’s try to fix that.”

You start spanking again but harder this time.  Another minute or two passes.

“You don’t blog or talk about this as much anymore. Why do you think that is?”

I just shrug my shoulders. The next volley comes hard and fast from your strong hand. “Yes, you do know.”

You pause to grab something behind you. I don’t know what it is, but I have a feeling that I’m about to find out. Smack! “Oh!” It’s definitely made of wood.

Smack! “I think you’re afraid, but I’m just not sure what you are afraid of… Are you afraid of me?”

Smack “No! Ow!”

Smack! “Then, what are you afraid of?”

Smack! “I guess I’m afraid of getting hurt.” You pause and I can tell you are wondering if you are hurting me now.

Rubbing my lower back, you ask, “Does that mean you don’t trust me anymore? That you don’t trust me not to hurt you?”

“I do trust you...I just feel that it’s been so long since we’ve played that maybe my pain tolerance isn’t what it was and you may not remember that I’ll need a warm up. Also, I don’t always want to put any expectations on either of us when it comes to playing. And, I really don’t know how to tell you exactly what I want when I’m not sure myself.”

You start rubbing my bottom again which is starting to feel really good. “I guess it’s just become easier to not say anything whether it’s online, in a journal, or when we’re talking. I know I don’t want this to become repetitive to where either of us get bored....and I don’t want it to always be predictable.”

“Like this?” My rear is met with a quick few swats.

“Mhm... Sometimes I would like a spanking to be for fun or be more serious or be for naughty reasons. Sometimes I’d like more of a warm-up and/or more aftercare.” You throw in three hard and fast swats for each cheek.

“Guilt! Guilt is another reason. I feel guilty for wanting all of this in the first place. I know it isn’t easy for you. I think about spanking a lot and see lots of opportunities for it, but I know you mainly associate it with love making. I don’t want to burden you with something that I think I want...it’s not a need after all.”

You pause again, “Do you like giving blow jobs?”

“You know I told you that I used to hate giving them.”

“But you give me head and do it quite well for someone who can’t stand it. Why do you do that for me?”

“Because I love you and because I know you enjoy it.” You pick up the brush or paddle, again. “Oh! Ouch!”

“Exactly, so what makes you think I wouldn’t do the same for you and for the same reasons?”

“Yikes! Because… I know I’m not worth the effort!” My eyes start watering.

“That’s it. Stand up and look at me.” With tears in my eyes, I slowly look up at you. You hold my face in your hands as you look back at me. “I love you with all my heart. You mean the world to me. You need to stop thinking so badly of yourself.” You pull me in close for a firm hug that makes me feel protected.

“I want you to spend a few minutes in the corner in the hallway by our bedroom door. Put your hands behind your back holding your elbows, feet apart, and forehead against the corner. I’m going to fix the bed and then I’ll come get you. I am sorry that this year has been so rough on us and especially on you. I know it may not have seemed like it, but I need you to know that I’ve never stopped loving you. I want to be here to love, cherish, and protect you forever and always. Use this time to think about what I’ve said.”

“Yes, Sir,” as I turn to obey, he smacks my retreating rear.

...to be continued.

Different Sensations

Note: This post includes some anal play.  (I decided to take a leaf out of Beth's book and give you a warning since I know some of my readers don't care for this type of play. :-) ) 

Yesterday was our last day of being alone in our house for the next two weeks.  Tom's brother is coming back into town to finish the rest of his vacation today.  Since it was our last night alone for a while, I wanted to play. 

Earlier in the evening, Tom asked me, "So what do you want to play?" 

I shrugged, thinking that he was talking about playing a video game. 

"You said that you wanted to play, didn't you?" 

I nodded. 

"So then, what do you want to do?" 

Suddenly embarrassed, I mumbled very quickly, "I wannabe tied downandspanked." He smiled and I scurried away to go do laundry. 

After various chores had been done and showers had been taken, I went into the bedroom and decided to get things ready before I changed my mind which I am apt to do.  I pulled out the under-the-bed straps for my wrists and ankles. I moved a set of anal plugs and the Wartenberg wheel - all recent spur-of-the-moment purchases - to his nightstand. 

Side Note: I used to say "absolutely not" when it came to anything related to anal play, but recently curiosity has gotten the better of me.  A few months ago, we tried a small anal plug and it just felt weird - not horrible - just weird and I didn't really like it.  But as time has passed, I decided that I wanted to try it again. Not sure why...just curiosity, and if it bothered me too much or I really did't like it, we would just stop. No harm, no foul in trying something new. 

Back in the bedroom, I attempted to prop my Hitachi Wand angled up and in between pillows so that I would be able to lean against it while we played. 

Tom walked in at this point, but I was too excited and embarrassed to wait for him to tell me what to do, so I started stripping off my clothes and got on the bed. I eagerly draped myself over the pillows. Then, he told me to turn on the vibrator.  It wasn't perfectly placed but would do for now. 

He picked up the crop and popped my backside a few times before securing my wrists and ankles to the velcro straps. Then, the crop returned and he lightly smacked from my bottom down my legs to the bottom of my feet. It felt a lot like getting a lightly percussive massage. (LOL, which I suppose is exactly what it is.) 

He put down the crop and picked up the Wartenberg wheel.  He rolled it across my back and up and down both arms then down my legs. The tingling sensation reminded me of lightly using my nails to caress my skin which has always been hard for him to mimic until now. It felt good to just focus on feeling.  Nothing else mattered outside the bedroom. 

At some point, he picked up the smallest plug of the new set.  He lubed it up and just let it sit at the entrance to my backside. I slowly pushed against it while also grinding against my wand which was still humming underneath me. I think the combination of going very slowly and being stimulated by the vibrator helped make this experience less weird and more enjoyable.  I really didn't think about the odd intrusion as much with the distraction of the added vibrations. 

Eventually, the whole plug slid in and he started to slowly move it back and forth.  Although it definitely felt awkward, I kind of like the new sensations. I told him I needed my hand to adjust the wand so he untied my wrist. I undid my other wrist and moved the pillows from under me so I could put weight back on my knees and move the wand. 

Suddenly things started feeling really good.  He started playing with the plug in such a way that it felt like it was vibrating. That combined with me controlling the wand was enough to throw me over the edge.

I collapsed on the bed and enjoyed the after effects. 

Tom looked over at me and asked me about how I felt.

As my breathing returned to normal, I smiled and told him, "I felt good. I won't deny that it was certainly different, but it didn't hurt and actually felt pretty good there at the end."

-----

Today, I'm excited for a few reasons. 1) We get to go shopping together on our way to pick up his brother from the airport, 2) Tom had roses delivered to my office today, and 3) we are going to look at wedding rings tomorrow! 

Here is a picture of my roses. I told him I wanted the 2-tone kind this year. :-)

First Household Rule

Our first household rule:
Do NOT interrupt each other.  It is disrespectful, and we both need to stop doing it. 

Consequence (if I break the rule):
Ten licks with the wooden paddle. 

Last night, we had a disagreement and I kept interrupting him. He made a comment about it, but instead of backing off, I started acting like a disrespectful brat. We both got pissed off and said some mean things.  I walked off to the bedroom, and I thought he had walked outside.  Within seconds, he decided to follow me into the bedroom, and after a brief discussion about what just happened, he made a decision. 

"You are going to get 10 licks with the paddle for continually interrupting me.  This is one of the reasons we start arguing and we are going to change it." 

He is right about the interruptions.  I tend to do it when I think he is wrong and not listening to me.  Then he gets hurt because I'm refusing to listen to him.  From there, it usually spirals to him walking off and not wanting to see or talk to me for a while.  I absolutely hate that reaction.  I'd rather him stand there and yell at me than have him walk away.  When he chooses to walk away and the argument hasn't been resolved, I get this sense of feeling abandoned and it can be horribly overwhelming. 

After he came in and told me that I was going to be punished, I calmed down.  Oddly enough, so did he. I even ran around the bed and gave him an early Valentine's Day present! (It was a denim jacket with an internal liner for work - I swear I wasn't trying to get out of the punishment!)  In fact, the mood had shifted so much that we were both laughing and smiling even before he went to retrieve the wooden paddle.  I guess my eyes got big when I saw the paddle because he chuckled and said, "Yes, this is going to hurt." 

He came around behind me and I leaned over the end of the bed.  I handled the first three holding my breath.  Thank goodness he let me keep my jeans on!  The fourth and fifth caused me to whimper and then I promptly lost count in my head. 

He asked, "Does it hurt?" 

I replied, "Yes," because "Duh! What do you think?" didn't seem like an appropriate answer. 

"It hurts me when you interrupt me and don't let me finish. It makes me feel like you don't care about what I'm saying and that you don't respect me." I felt an internal barricade break and fall. 

The next couple were harder and I was trying to push myself further into the bed while crying out.  A few tears leaked out with the next couple of swats (I had been on the verge of crying since the argument). 

The last one was the hardest and then I felt myself relax.  He asked, "Are you OK?"  I nodded my head while he rubbed my back.  It felt wonderful to be taken care of and loved. 

At some point, we talked more and he said that if we both stop interrupting it would prevent a lot of the arguments we have been having lately. I told him that it probably would also save me some heartache from what generally comes with arguments (angry words, cussing at each other, walking away). 

He replied, "Yes, it will also save you some ass-ache." I laughed and we proceeded to have a wonderful evening together.

New Implement(s)!

Before my shower last night, Tom asked me, "Do we still have the ankle and wrist restraints?" 

I eyed him curiously from the bathroom and said, "The set that is connected under the mattress? It was still there the last time I checked.  Why?" 

"Good, because after we have our showers I'm going to tie you down to the bed.  We are going to try our new riding crop tonight." 

I smiled and got pretty excited thinking about what was going to happen while I took my shower.  I got out and started browsing the web on my tablet while he showered.  Then, he joined me in the bedroom and pulled out the new hand-shaped crop. 

He swished it through the air to get a feel for it.  I rolled over and offered him a target.  He rested the tip on my bottom and gave me a pop with the flick of his wrist.  As he got more confident in handling the crop, he varied the strength and peppered my bottom.  He asked me, "How does it feel?" 

"Good," I replied.  Then, I watched him give himself a swat on his thigh.  His reaction was very funny to me.  I could punch my guy in the arm and he wouldn't bat an eye, but he definitely flinched from the little slap of the crop that he gave himself.  I laughed. 

He looked over and said, "I definitely admire you."  He has always been amazed at the amount of punishment I can endure. 

He walked around the bed and pulled the wrist and ankle restraints out from under the corners of the mattress.  He said aloud, "I could have you face the headboard or the dresser..." 

I added, "Yep, or that way or that way.  It's totally up to you." 

"I know that and I'll decide," he said with an edge in his voice and a pop to my rear.  "I want you to face the dresser and put a pillow under you."  He handed me one of those thick pillows that you lean against while sitting.  I positioned myself over it. I could feel myself getting wet knowing that my bottom was elevated for him to do with as he wanted. He tied my ankles first and then my arms (the cuffs adjust) but he made sure to leave me enough slack to get on my hands and knees if he wanted. 

He stood in front of me and leaned over to caress my backside.  I took advantage of the situation and rubbed my cheek against his manhood.  Then, I started to kiss him and tease the tip with my lips and tongue. He slid a finger down my crevice and found the wetness that I knew was already there. 

He pulled away and popped me a few times before walking around to the other side of the bed behind me.  He put the crop down and leaned against me. Oh, how I wanted him right then.  He teased my opening and smacked my bottom with his hand.  I tried to push back against him, but he was in control.  He spanked a few more times before he slid in ever so slowly.  It was amazing - my sense of touch had heightened all because I wasn't allowed to move.  I could feel myself stretching as he slid all the way in.  He decided on a slow, deliberate pace and he spanked me every time he pulled back.  The sensations were wonderful. 

At this slower pace, I found that I could control my pelvic floor muscles more deliberately, so I concentrated on squeezing as he was pulling back. I heard him moan and felt his release as he pumped into me. 

He untied me and told me to get my vibrator.  He slid his finger inside me and gently stroked. He watched my reactions until he found my g-spot.  Then, he firmly  massaged it using a come-hither motion until I reached my earth-shattering release. I shut off the vibrator and collapsed into the bed enjoying the climax-induced high. 

Side Notes: 

Riding Crop - We bought the riding crop at our local Tractor Supply at the suggestion of an anonymous comment on Erica's blog.  It was definitely a surprise to find a crop available so close to home as our nearest adult store is a 30 minute drive.  Also, it was actually cheaper at $14.99 than most of the ones available online or in an adult shop. 

Bath Brush - I found a bamboo bath brush at my local Rite Aid!  I actually went in to look for cough medicine. I wandered passed the bath stuff and the bath brush caught my eye.  Every time I've looked for one so far, they usually have this extruded rectangle on what should be a flat surface so I don't buy it because I don't care to feel what it's like getting whacked with that much of an uneven surface.  This bath brush, however, was perfectly smooth, so I bought it for $6.99!  I excitedly showed it to Tom a few nights ago and he tried it out on my vulnerable rearend. Surprisingly, it packs a lot of unyielding sting, and it's almost too much to handle without a warm up! Speaking of the handle, Tom also tried a few smacks with that end which also worked quite well. 

The verdict?  We both love our new implements! :-D

(I'm posting from my phone, so I will add links later.)

No date night yet, but we still had fun this weekend.

Instead of going on our date Friday night, we postponed it and decided to take the boys for a couple of hours and let their parents go out to dinner or see a movie. We still aren't entirely sure when we will have our date but it will happen eventually.  We've both been pretty tired so it is hard to pick an evening when we don't know if we can actually stay awake through the whole movie.  For now, we will aim for this Friday or Saturday. 

Last Saturday, we went to visit Tom's mom and tow a car back that Tom's brother will use (one with kids).  We also ended up picking up a couple of tool chests for Tom and a few furniture pieces for his brother.  On the way back home, Tom started to get very tired so I offered to drive.  He took an exit and we switched out at the stop sign.  I drove the truck and 20 foot loaded trailer the rest of the way home.  I know some women have a lot of trouble towing something, but I'm proud to say that I am not one of them. :-D  In fact, Tom and his brother apparently felt so safe with me that they both fell asleep during the entire time I was driving...LOL.
 

After we unloaded everything and his brother went home, we went inside to eat dinner and take showers.  I warmed up some beef stew that my mom had made and put some apple tarts in the oven for dessert.  I was really hungry so everything tasted delicious. 

After dinner, I headed for the shower and then went into the living room to watch some TV as we hadn't planned to do anything else.  When Tom finished his shower, he joined me on the couch.

He leaned toward me and asked, "Did you bring any of the paddles?" 

I shook my head and shrugged, "I wasn't really thinking about it." 

He said, "Do you need me to always tell you when to bring the paddles out?" 

I just shrugged, not really into it. 

He leaned in more and whispered in my ear, "I'm going to spank you with my hand just so you know that I can and will spank you with or without a paddle and even when you may not want it."  I smiled.
 

He had me face down, bottom up on the couch rather quickly.  Smack! That was rather stingy! Spank! Oh, how I missed his hand. Smack! I thrust my bottom up some more.  Smack! Mmm, the delicious mix of sting and thud his hand can produce! Ouch! Yes!  How could I have thought that I didn't want this tonight? Yikes! Not all in one spot! Ouf, yes, I supposed you needed to get the other side too after that. 

We were both getting excited, so he followed me into the bedroom.  I think he likes to follow me so he can give me a good pop if I'm moving to slowly and because he likes looking at my ass.  I certainly don't mind either reason. ;-) 

He spanked me a few more times before entering me roughly from behind.  I pressed my vibrator against my front while he slammed into me.  Oh, it felt so good! Just after he reached his climax he had me roll onto my back.  With the vibrator still going, he slipped in a finger and started to stroke my internal feel-good spot.  It didn't take long for me to reach mine like this. 

As I was coming down, I heard him say, "You're so beautiful."  I gave him a shy, goofy smile.  I have no idea why, but he really enjoys watching me. :-)

Properly Punished

I went to bed before Tom did last night but I can be a pretty light sleeper when he isn't in bed with me.  I left my iPad on his side of the bed and left the TV on so that he could read my updated version of yesterday's post and watch a little TV if he wanted. When he finally came in, he caressed my back as he read and I kept my eyes shut while enjoying the rough touch of his fingers. 

When he finished reading, he held me close and whispered, "Are you okay?" To which, I shook my head.  He asked, "What's wrong?" 

With some hesitation, I replied, "I don't know." 

He said, "You just went through the effort of letting me know that you aren't okay, but now won't tell me why.  That's just ridiculous...and you are lying to me when you say that you don't know what's wrong." 

I paused and then whispered back, "I just wish we didn't have to wait so long to deal with it." 

He sat up and said, "Let's go into our bathroom and handle it there." He got off the bed and started rummaging around for implements. 

I rolled over and watched him.  "The kids are in their beds across the hall.  We would wake them up.  We used to be able to go into the gameroom, but your brother and his wife are in there." 

"Are you making excuses?  I'm deciding we're handling this now.  Now, where is the paddle?"  As my heart rate skyrocketed, he rifled through stuff until he found the double leather strap and the wooden paddle (both from Cane-iac).  He looked at me and said, "Come on."  I waited for him to move away from his side of the bed and then slid off the bed to follow him to the bathroom.  I walked passed him and turned the shower and overhead vent on so that there would be more background noise than just the TV.  He thought that was a very good idea and we exchanged a smile. 

We took a look around the bathroom which is long and narrow...not exactly and ideal place to do this.  He said that he wished he had something to sit on and walked back into the bedroom to look for something suitable.  He came back with a miniature ottoman, placed it down, and sat on it.  Patting his lap, he said, "Come here."  He was awfully close to the ground which looked kind of funny, but I wasn't about to laugh at him at the moment.  I draped myself over his knees thinking that at least it wasn't too uncomfortable. 

"I’m going to punish you for lying to me."  He pulled my pajama pants and panties down.  He picked up the double strap and started smacking my bare bottom.  Aware that I needed to be warmed up, he held back at first.  Instead of ending the warm-up and giving me hard hits from then on, he decided to intermix the strength of the swats so that he was emphasizing points.  With one of the harder swats, he asked, "Do you like lying to me?" 

"No," I choked and he layed into me with a few really hard strokes.  He started switching back  and forth between the implements.  I felt like I was on the verge of tears, but just wasn't there yet. 

At some point he said, "Man, my dick is getting harder the harder I spank you."  Then, I giggled and he said, "You think that's funny?" I nodded, so he aimed another set of harder strokes at my rear to remind me that this isn't supposed to be funny. 

After that, he had me get up and lay over the ottoman so he could position himself beside me.  This was actually really comfortable and I could rest my head on my hands on the floor.  He started spanking again and asked, "Can you trust a liar?"  I miserably shook my head and he worked me over with the wooden paddle mixing really hard and slow swats with quick and in the same place less hard swats. 

Then, he said, "It’s ok, Baby.  I do trust you."  That did it - the damn broke.  The tears that were on the verge from the moment I went over his knees finally spilled over.  He spanked a few more times then knelt beside me and rubbed my back and said,  "I love you. Are you okay?"  I couldn't say anything and just nodded my head. It really didn't take long for my tears to stop falling...actually it felt more like I was still crying but without tears.  He asked me, "Do you want more?"  I nodded imediately.  I may have been done with the tears, but I didn't feel I was done being punished yet. 

So, he picked up one of the implements again.  I had stopped trying to keep track of which one he was using.  I could definitely feel the difference, but he was in control of everything and I simply concentrated on feeling, letting go, and taking anything he wanted to give me.  With each smack, I felt better.  The guilt was being spanked out of me. A few minutes later, he said, "I think we should stop."  
I said, "Okay." I know my bottom had taken a lot and any busted capilaries or brusing needs to be able to heal before next Wednesday's doctor's appointment. 

I stood up and we hugged each other.  I squeezed him and said, "I'm sorry for lying to you." 

He replied, "I know you are.  I love you." 

"I love you, too." 

At around 2AM, I got into bed while Tom decided to go make a late night snack.  I felt emotionally better and could easily fall asleep.  I rolled onto my back and immediately changed my mind before falling asleep on my side. 

This morning, I told Tom, "I am still tired, but I feel better." 

He laughed and said, "That's because your ass is still warm." 

I smiled back, "Yes, yes, it is."  In fact, I have been sitting gingerly all morning. 

------

Thoughts on punishment spankings versus my other spankings: 

Since this is the first time that I have been punished, I figured I should write down some initial thoughts and feelings.  First, I feel that I was in a completely different headspace.  During a spanking for pleasure or foreplay, I am focusing on wanting to feel good so if it hurts too much I prefer Tom to dial down the strength. For my first punishment spanking, I wanted to release the guilt I was drowning in above and before anything else. 

As I took my place over his knees, I was nervous because we had never tried this before, but I trust him and I knew that I deserved whatever was coming.  This was real and when it hurt more, I whimpered, wiggled, and accepted it.  I needed to be punished for this, and I needed both of us to be emotionally involved to let go, to release my guilt, and to reconnect. 

Tom, My Love, 

You were there with me every step of the way.  You took control, held me accountable, followed through, lectured more, and made me feel loved all throughout the punishment.  I needed everything about this, and I am very inexplicably grateful that you decided not to wait any longer.  Thank you for being the man I need, the man I love, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

All my love, 

Jay

Where I am home.

Note: I am feeling a bit better today, but I know I am still in the recovery phase so we are waiting for the all clear from the doctor before we go all the way like in the following story (which is a mix of actual feelings but not necessarily events that have all happened yet or at least not in a long while).

I raise my head up from it's place on your shoulder to gaze at you.  Your eyes are closed.  You are resting peacefully.  I gently run my fingers over your handsome face, feeling the rough texture of your beard.  My fingers move down to your chest and trace the firm muscles along your arms.  I gently run my fingernails over your palms the way you like me to and you groan out your appreciation.  I can feel the callouses on your carpenter's hands.  Your hands are so different than mine.  Mine are soft and smooth, but yours are tough and strong - and I wouldn't have them any other way because I love the way they feel against my skin.  Your hands can be gentle when they caress my face, or they can be hard and unyielding when you are spanking my bare bottom.  A exciting chill runs through me just at the thought. 

I move my hands back to your chest and down to your abdominal muscles.  Then, skip down to your thighs and calves.  I love feeling your muscles.  I can feel your strength and know you can protect me. That makes me feel safe and sound. I massage your feet and then lean forward to give your manhood a gentle kiss.  You smile and keep your eyes closed. 

I take you into my warm mouth and feel you grow with each slow, deliberate stroke.  I smile mischeviously because right now, I'm in control and I want to make you feel good.  You open your eyes so you can watch me.  I make eye contact and take you in ever so slowly before tigtening my lips and pulling back to the tip.  I start moving faster until you moan and then suddenly, I stop and slowly start teasing you all over again.  It's not long before you decide it is time to take over and teach your naughty wife-to-be that it's not nice to tease. 

You raise up from the bed and tell me to put my head on the bed and get my cute ass in the air.  You caress my backside before bringing down your hand sharply on one cheek and then the other.  Mmm, the perfect combination of sting and thud.  You work your way up and down my bottom.  You pause a moment and tell me how red I'm getting.  Slowly, you slip your fingers to other locations and gently stroke me until you have me moving to meet your fingers. A moan escapes my lips before you deliver a few final hard spanks, letting me know without a doubt that you are the one in control now. 

You position yourself behind me and slowly ease your hardess inside me. We both sigh when our thighs touch...we fit so perfectly together.  After a couple of soft and loving strokes, you grab my hips and proceed to take me hard and fast.  Oh my, you feel amazing.  I slip a vibrator between my legs as you continue your punishing pace from behind.  So close...  I squeeze my eyes shut as stars erupt.  Feeling my release also pushes you over the edge and we share a few blissful moments. 

Not long after, my head returns to your shoulder and you wrap your arm around me protectively.  This is my favorite place to be...where I am loved, where I am protected, where I am home.

One Day at a Time

About a week ago, we tried playing a game of darts but found out that I had lost most of my ability to accurately control the darts. We hadn't played in about three months because we haven't had time to finish adjusting to all the changes yet.  In the past when we would play, I would get spanked for the difference in our scores, but that night we didn't do anything extra because we had a guest sleeping in the next room.  So, I ended up getting irritated and not really wanting to play. 

Last night, my fiancé decided that I didn't have a choice and had to play a few dart games with him.  We were going to spend some time together and this time when we played the Cane-iac paddle and double leather strap would be close at hand.  Before the game even started, he picked up the paddle and "warmed" my backside up with his "nine" and then three harder punishment licks for giving him attitude earlier.  I could feel myself start to release a tiny fraction of the pent up stress I've been carrying around.  That's when I realized I really did need this. 

I stood back up and we started our game.  We were both a little distracted because we had moved a lot of Dad's things into the game room so we kept randomly going through boxes all while trying to play.  I guess it worked it my favor because I won the game by 6 points.  It was back over the large kitchen stool to receive 6 rather hard swats with the paddle.  It hurt, but I definitely missed the feel of being spanked with something other than a cane. 

We jumped into the next game and continued to try to put some of Dad's stuff away.  Before my fiancé knew it, I was ahead in points and closing down any opportunity for him to catch up.  Strangely enough, I can't remember what the score difference was but I'm guessing it was somewhere in the 50s.  This paddling, I do recall, was delieverd at varying degrees of power and I was certainly feeling it. 

The final game was much less interesting for me because I started losing pretty quickly.  I guess he was paying more attention this time around.  He ended the game with a damn good lead, so I went to drape myself over the stool again while he figured out the score difference.  He had won by 92 points.  Yikes!  On his way over to me, he picked up the double strap.  He dished out 62 licks at an even pace, pausing only briefly to switch the direction he was swinging.  Oh, it was amazing to feel the kiss of leather again.  For the next 30, he switched back to the paddle with the final 12 being harder than any had been yet.  When I got up, I could feel a more lasting burning sensation on my rear and also some emotional relief from some of the stress that we've been under. 

I know everything isn't back to normal, and I don't expect it to be for a while.  Although it is getting easier, I still find it hard to concentrate at work for any length of time.  We still have to deal with the stresses of finances and raising the two boys who don't really grasp what has happened.  Sometimes we are strong and sometimes we are weak, but no matter what we are here for each other. We will get through this by taking small steps and by taking one day at a time.

Being Open

After reading my reflection comments at the end of my last post, my fiancé decided to pay special attention to me and my derrière during the nights of our weekend.  He and I have been in previous relationships and we both know where things end up when one side goes too long with feeling unfulfilled or unsatisfied.  He was glad that I was able to recognize what I was feeling and voiced it, but he was still hurt that I started to feel that way especially since it was very unintentional on his part.  I felt proud of myself for not keeping it in (given my past experience with my lack of open communication) yet at the same time guilty for bringing it up because I knew how it would make him feel. 

On Friday night, we talked about it a lot while I was spending time over his knee lovingly receiving the same paddle that I couldn't handle the previous night. I told him the feelings of unfulfillment only started occurring recently and that I really do understand that we can't be all in it every night.  We also talked about what had actually happened during and after the previous paddling.  I hadn't realized it at the time, but he explained to me that he was more than willing to continue the scene by slowing down and reducing strength.  Instead, it was really because of my sense of feeling rushed that we stopped and moved on to sex.  I did it because I thought he wanted to go relax and he did it because he thought I really wanted to stop.  That's when I asked him, "If you were okay with continuing, then why didn't you just take control?" 

He paused, and then replied with, "I guess I honestly thought you were ready to stop and didn't want to keep going.  You were also right - I was tired and ready to relax.  I didn't really feel like playing, but that doesn't mean I won't try to do it for you anyway." 

I said, "Yes, but the problem was that I could tell you didn't want to and I don't want you to do something that you don't want to do.  I mean a couple of weeks ago you were already in bed when I asked you to spank me.  You rolled out of bed and delivered very well with the cane.  It was amazing and aside from me knowing that you were tired, I couldn't tell that you didn't want to do it.  But, last night, I could tell with every swat that you weren't into it.  The words were all there but the delivery just wasn't the same." 

He said that he undertsood and apologized.  Then, he proceeded to give me a mix of the paddle and the shorter cane.  We talked and joked a bit more as he decided whether or not I was being sassy.  I'm glad he decided on sassy!  He pulled my pants down and my panties up to expose my cheeks. He continued with the paddle and even some with his hand.  I was already pretty excited when he started to let his fingers wander lower while he was rubbing the punished area.  It certainly wasn't long before I was well ready to be taken.  He stopped spanking and got undressed before entering me from behind.  He paused while we both enjoyed the suddeness of our coupling.  Then, we let our primal instincts take over and he roughly reminded me that I am his to love, his to take, and his to cherish.  He is my man and I am his woman.

What's this? Three posts in one week?!

Yesterday afternoon, my fiancé read my post from earlier in the day and decided he would do something about it.  So when we put the kids to bed and were waiting for them to settle down, my fiancé turns to me and says, "Go get the paddle."

I looked at him and said, "It's too loud for right here [in the living room] and they're still awake."  

With "the look" he replied, "I told you to go get the paddle."  So, I hopped off of the couch and went to retrieve the implement.  He took it from me and followed me into the game room where he promptly bent me over with my hands on the cushion of the loveseat.  With paddle in hand, he said, "Next time I tell you to do something. (Spank) You will do it. (spank) Without question! (Spank)"  Ouch, damn that thing hurts! He implied this was just a preview as the boys still weren't quite asleep yet. So, we went back into the living room and he slid the paddle onto the shelf of the coffee table, then we started watching a movie.  The boys got up a few times which happens every night after we put them to bed before they finally start drifting off to sleep.  I was getting anxious and couldn't focus on the movie to save my life, so he leaned over and said, "Go get the condom and lube."

"Here? Now?"  Huh? When did I start making excuses?!

"Are you going to argue again?" 

I quickly got off the couch and grabbed the items.  He waited for a few more minutes to be sure we wouldn't be interupted, then he grabbed everything, including the paddle, and we returned to the game room with him telling me that I had been naughty.  I returned to my previous position this time with my pj pants and panties around my knees.

Smack!  Wait, no warm up?! Smack! Ow!  Smack! Damn, these feel harder.  Smack! Please not in the same spot! Smack! Ouch! Smack, smack! Fuck!

He paused, "Is it too much?"

"Yes," I whispered.  A little sad that I couldn't take anymore with the paddle.

We decided to move on to other things instead.  He slid in behind me on the loveseat and I pushed back to meet him.  With a little bit of lube, I easily accepted him.  Then, he took over and set an excitingly fast pace.  Oh, it felt good to be able to moan and mumble aloud without being worried about waking up the kids.

When we finished, we cleaned up and continued the movie for a little while before heading off to bed.

Reflections:  I guess after not being able to handle much of last night's spanking I realized something...because we have to wait until the kids are asleep and we are generally more worn out lately, we tend to try to rush the spanking so that it feels more like a tease or like "hurry up and get it over with" so we can have sex and/or sleep.  Unfortunately, this way of doing it just isn't as fulfilling.  I do understand why it's happening, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  However, I love him and I am still extremely greatful for what he can and does give me and for what he has also given up [since the boys arrived]. :-)

Trip to the Game Room (Our Woodshed)

Before our nephews came to live with us, my fiancé closed in our carport.  It is eventually going to be our game room but as of right now it is still unfinished because life got busy.  Unfortunately while we were cleaning out the rest of the house to get ready for relatives, we started using it for extra storage.  Well, a couple of weeks ago, he decided to get in there and start moving stuff to the actual storage buildings.  Now we have a loveseat to sit on and a decent amount of room to move around in there. 

So, sometime last week after we put the boys to bed, he had me go get the paddle and we met in our future game room.  We grabbed the baby monitor to keep an eye on the boys and closed the exterior door that leads to our game room.  Because of all the two brick walls and the exterior door that leads to the house, you really can't hear anything from inside the house.  From the driveway on the other hand, you can probably make out the crack of the paddle but that's when we can just turn on the stereo and since I don't scream it shouldn't be that big of a deal. 

He had me bend over the armrest of the loveseat so that I had a view of the concrete floor.  He rested the paddle on the seat of my jeans and gently patted.  Then he pulled back and the first swat landed.  It wasn't too hard, but it did surprise me.  He continued to paddle me with varying degrees of power while I gasped and wiggled.  We hadn't used the paddle in what felt like forever so I was definitely feeling it.  Soon he paused to undo my jeans and pulled them down along with my panties.  It had been a while since I had felt the smooth wood on my bare bottom. Crack! Ouch!  Oh, how I missed this.  He couldn't keep it up for much longer because we still had to take showers and get some sleep, so he wrapped it up with a few well-placed hard swats and sent me to the shower with a nicely reddened backside. 

It's been about a week since that spanking (not that our canes haven't seen some use), but I think I'm due for another trip to the game room!  I'm not complaining about the quiet canes because they are definitely useful in the bedroom, but sometimes I want the louder implements like his hand, the leather, and/or the wood!

Hot 'n' Bothered

There's just something that gets me all hot 'n' bothered (in a very good way) when my fiancé yanks me over his lap while we're naked in bed to dish out a quick spanking. 

Why, you might ask? It was for sexually arousing him while he was trying to fall asleep.  What?  I swear I didn't do anything! Read on and you will see it clearly wasn't my fault. ;-)

Last night, we were both tired and cuddled up in bed when I started to massage him.  He said he was sore from working the last few days, so I thought I'd be nice and work out some of the knots in his muscles. I could tell he was enjoying it from all his moaning and groaning.  That's about when my hands wandered down his body and I started to gently caress and stroke him.  It's not my fault he had a reaction. 

Without so much as a warning, he yanked me over his lap and proceeded to give me a very quick and pretty hard hand spanking.

Then, he rolled me off of him and roughly entered me from behind to firmly remind me of who was in control. It was my turn to moan and groan!

Needless to say, I personally think it all worked out in my favor.  (giggles)

"...I'd better find you naked on the bed."

On Sunday night, I couldn't figure out whether I wanted to have sex, play, or just go to sleep.  My fiancé kept glancing over at me on the couch and asking what I wanted, but I was being perpetually indecisive.  After a while, he got up and said, "I'm going to go take a shower.  If you want to do anything, then when I get out I'd better find you naked on the bed.  Otherwise, I'll assume you don't want to do anything and we'll just go to bed."  As soon as he closed the bathroom door, I hopped off the couch and went to our bedroom.

I stripped out of my clothes and piled a couple of pillows on the middle of the bed.  Then, I went looking for something we bought recently that I've been wanting to tryout - a restraint that goes around your waist and holds your wrists at your sides using two elastic bands.  I also pulled out a blindfold.  I tied the restraint around my waist, climbed on the bed, and slipped the blindfold over my eyes.  As I slid my wrists into the bands of the restraint on either side of my waist and leaned over the pillows, I heard the water cut off in the bathroom.  He was getting out of the shower and I was ready and getting excited.

He came into the bedroom and said, "Oh really?"  I felt him sit on the bed and caress my bottom.  "What? No implement?"  I smiled and thought that I couldn't very well have done all the work, but didn't respond otherwise.  I could hear him looking around for an implement.  Smack!  Smack! He picked the plastic hairbrush. He followed up with a few flurries on each cheek.  Those definitely stung, so I started wiggling a little.  He moved around working all over my backside. 

He paused to retrieve some lube and my pink dildo. Slowly, he worked it into me until it was comfortable.  With the one end of the inserted dildo in one hand and the hairbrush in the other, he got to work pumping and thumping.  It felt amazing, the pain and the pleasure mixing.

He asked me if I wanted him to switch to a bigger one (dildo), but I just said not unless it's you.  He promptly tossed aside the brush and the dildo and helped me rearrange myself so that I was properly on my knees with my face resting on the bed. (Side note...it's amazing what you are no longer capable of doing by yourself when you lack the use of your arms.)  He positioned himself behind me and slid all the way in.  After a moment of adjustment, he started slaming homeruns. He felt amazing.  I started moving back to meet him.  With the way we were going, one would have thought we were trying to break the record for number of homeruns slammed in under five minutes!  He reached his peak, and then he helped me out of the restraint and told me to get my vibrator.  I turned it on and he slipped in a finger.  Between the gentle internal stroking and the external vibrations, I was thrown over the edge where I enjoyed riding out the waves of pleasure.

Getting back into the swing of things.

It has been a rough couple of weeks all around...but I think it's a bit too personal to go into detail here.  Suffice it to say, rough is a huge understatement, but things are getting better and we are dealing with what life throws at us together. 

Since my stepdaughter has been visiting for the past two weeks, we haven't been able to play much, so I was very grateful when we did manage to have a couple of very short scenes with the new canes.  They are relatively quiet and worked well for quick, nighttime reconnections.  Even so, I really missed being able to talk openly, to make sounds (even though I'm not that loud to begin with), and to feel the variety of other implements (including his hand).  This brings us to yesterday. 

We had just dropped off my stepdaughter with her mom when we decided to do a little shopping for some new clothes for me.  Now normally, I am a sneakers, jeans, and t-shirt kind of gal.  I have only ever worn dresses when attending dances back in high school (homecoming and prom) or my own graduation where it was a requirement.  So, let's see - that means, I've worn one dress in the last eight years which was at my college graduation.  It's not that I don't like them or don't like to look at them on the rack in the store.  I just don't like me in them; however, every now and then, I secretly want to go ahead and get one.  Why?  I don't know.  It's not like I go to dances anymore.  I just feel so silly wanting one yet having no desire to actually wear it in public.  Anyway, my fiancé was with me and knew that I wanted to look at some dresses, so he watched me try some on and then made me get two of them before I could talk myself out of it.  The dresses didn't cost much (about $30 for both) and they are nice and casual, but I'm still not sure if I'll ever go out in them.  I suppose if I don't I will at least have fun wearing them around the house.  After all, it's certainly easier to pull up a dress than pull down jeans. (grins mischievously) 

After shopping, we began our 70 min ride home.  It wasn't long before he leaned over from the passenger side and said, "9 times 7 is 63 times 2 is 126!  So, that means you have 126 licks coming for two weeks worth of 'my nine' we've missed!"  I nodded and smiled, feeling my heart speed up a couple of beats.  He had fun teasing me for a few minutes before the conversation turned to regular topics. 

When we finally arrived at home, he followed me into the bedroom and picked out the Cane-iac paddle.  I bent over the end of the bed and he delivered the first set of nine at a medium strength.  "That's one day."  He continued to repeat the process, varying speed and location, as I wiggled back and forth until we reached seven days.  "That's one week's worth.  I think we'll wait a little while for the second half."  I stood up and reached back.  I could feel the heat radiating from my backside through my jeans.  Boy, I missed this! :-) 

We went into the living room and decided to start watching the Firefly series again.  (I love that show!)  Somewhere in the first episode, my love asked me a question about something he was tinkering with and I guess I must have replied with some sassy comment because the next thing I knew, I was facedown over his lap getting the second week's worth of 63 licks with the paddle that he conveniently had within arms reach.  This set felt absolutely amazing.  I don't know if it was the OTK position or the way he was swinging the paddle, but he really got my motor going with this set, and if the poking in my side was any indication, I obviously wasn't the only one revving up for some sexual activities.  We both hurried out of our clothes from the waist down.  He bent me over in front of the couch and took me hard and fast from behind until we were both seeing stars.  

Needless to say, I think we are definitely getting back into the swing of things.