Outer You vs Inner You: Who are you?

Everyone experiences change from time to time. We grow, we age, and we learn. We try something new. We move to a new place. We get a new job. We go back to school. We meet new people. We fall in love. We have our hearts broken. We lose someone we love. We fall down, and we get back up. We try again. We adapt. We gain experience and find out more about ourselves. Some things may never change, while other things evolve with time.

Think about who you were when you were in high school.

I moved across the state between my 9th and 10th grade years. I went from a class size of roughly 300-400 students to around 1,200 students. I was terrified. I was leaving my friends and having to start over in a new town at a new school. What helped with this transition was band. I played the clarinet. During my years with the high school band, we had kids from all walks of life. We weren’t made up of just one group, but every group. I’ve always been pretty reserved and quiet, but in band, I learned a lot about leadership, teamwork, and responsibility. I was the section leader and library staff manager in 11th grade, and then, I tried out and became the drum major (student conductor) for the marching band during my 12th grade year. I learned how to project confidence when giving commands, and I felt like I had a responsibility to be someone the students in my band could depend on. I was the first person on the field before our shows started, and I was the one the entire band looked to for direction.

Think about who you were in college.

I continued band in college and was moved up to section leader after my first year. Again, we had students from all over campus from every type of degree program. I started working on my mechanical engineering degree and math minor. We focused a lot on teamwork and using new technology to solve problems. I decided to try my luck and applied for an internship at NASA. I was accepted and had one of the best summer experiences ever. In fact, I had so much fun that I went back three more times. Twice as a research associate and then I was promoted to Operations Manager for the last two summers. I took several honors classes throughout college and graduated with a 3.29/4.0.

Think about who you were during your early career.

I immediately got a job as a mechanical engineer quoting, designing, and fabricating steel tanks and pressure vessels. Over seven years, I went from mechanical engineer to project engineer to project manager to lead engineering business analyst. I implemented the accounting software which I knew inside and out. I even had to do all accounting manager responsibilities for six months before the company transitioned to a new owner.

Think about who you are now.

Now, I work in project financials. I’ve been with this company for just over a year. I’ve been trying to bring new ideas to the table and implement improvements on all of our current processes. I had an excellent one year evaluation which led to a promotion and a raise.

What have we not talked about? I’ve told you about who the outside world sees. This is the person you would meet at a conference or out in public.

Okay, so who are you when you can relax and be you?

Well, the previous posts on this blog take you through a lot of my intimate experiences with sex and spanking. Tom was the first person who tried to understand what I was yearning for. To his credit, he read every blog entry before I gave up blogging. He also read a private journal where I endeavored to be as open as possible with him. For a couple of years, he tried. And then, he didn’t.

For the time when he was trying, I discovered a part of me that I didn’t know existed. I wasn’t just this confident, strong, responsible, and independent young woman who could solve problems. I was also someone who needed a break from the stress of being the one who was always depended on. I needed someone else to take over for a while. I needed to know someone cared about me. I needed to be held. needed to be able to let go.

When Tom’s dad passed away, I started losing him. I stepped up and went above and beyond because that’s who I am. I am a fixer. I am a giver. I am dependable and loyal. I was more than capable of handling whatever life threw at us because I had to be. I could get us through this. I just had to be strong enough, caring enough, loving enough, and want it enough.

As it got harder and Tom gradually pulled away from me, I pulled away from who I was and what I wanted. I stopped blogging, stopped keeping up with others, and wasn’t even available for my friends anymore. My entire world revolved around Tom, his addiction, and the daily shit he put me through. After I finally couldn’t take it anymore, I told him, “It’s me or all of this (referring to his drug use and the house his drug addict friends were in - he was at another addict's house in the middle of a work night in my damn car that I needed to get to work in the morning).” He chose, “All of this.” “You need to move out.” (He didn’t make it back home in time to take me to work the next morning. I ended up having to call my dad, so I could be fucking responsible and go to work.)

In August of last year, I wrote something that I considered posting here. But, I was not ready. Instead, I shared it with a dear friend who encouraged me to also share it with my therapist. I’m choosing to bring it up now because I know I am not the only one who has felt this way. In fact, I still struggle with it every day.

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I am the person who has done everything my résumé says I’ve done, but what I can’t seem to reconcile is how is that the same person who wrote the following.

“Outer You vs Inner You”

Are the versions of you drastically different? Do you act differently? Do you hide behind a façade?

The versions of me are very different. I do act differently depending on the situation, and I do hide behind a much more outwardly acceptable personality.

At work, by some miracle, I’ve been able to hide what’s going on inside. Instead, I appear confident, ask questions, present ideas, work well by myself and with others, and strive to change things for the better for everyone. Before a meeting where I know I have to speak, I’ll get nervous, but I push through and am not afraid to throw out ideas. I am very mindful of others and how they do their jobs, and I do everything I can to make all of our work days a little easier.

When I’m around family and friends, they know I have some self-confidence issues. However, other than that being all in my head, I am a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need to rely on anyone. I own my house, I am about to buy a new vehicle, and I have a decent job where I am making more than paycheck to paycheck.

Underneath the Wonder Woman façade, I feel everything. I am free, lost, relieved, sad, excited, hurt, broken, happy, angry, and frustrated. I am dealing with imposter syndrome. I am dealing with a break up after years of living together. I am excited by new possibilities, but I am afraid of rejection. I am vulnerable and full of insecurities. I am hopeful yet still struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know it is no one else’s responsibility to help me. I know only I can learn to cope and walk this road. I know it takes time. But, knowing all of that just makes me feel so much more alone. I feel guilty for reaching out to people who understand - I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I don’t want to sound like a broken record - same shit, different day. I don’t want to bring someone else down because I feel like hell. I feel stupid for even talking about what I’m going through because I feel like it really is no big deal especially when I know other people are going through so much worse than my little first world problems. Also, I’m confused because what I feel doesn’t align with how I think I should feel or how I think I should handle how I feel. If I remove myself from the situation, I could tell you exactly what’s wrong, what to try, and how to start working through it. So, what’s the problem?

Avoidant behavior. I am acting like nothing has happened. I do things to prevent myself from thinking too much, and I spend time with people who I do trust but not enough to completely let go around. I am ignoring the desperate need to breakdown and let go. Why? Because it’s easier than dealing with everything. I don’t want to fall apart alone because I miss being held and comforted, which only emphasizes the loneliness and spirals me down even further.

But, you know what? Life goes on and stops for no one. So, if I don’t have time for this - for me feeling sorry for myself, how can I expect anyone else to have time for it - for me.

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Who are you today?

I'm not sure. Would you believe things got worse in the time since writing that. I feel like I’ve lost so much self-confidence and self-acceptance that I find it incredibly difficult to trust myself. I have fallen into periods of being depressed and painfully numb. I’ve gone through many anxiety and panic attacks. I still haven’t been able to really focus consistently at work, and I feel like I’m barely doing the minimum to get by. I hit a point where I felt like I lost everything about me. I haven’t even been able to cry in months, and I want so desperately to experience what’s in my pinned tweet with someone I can really trust - “What I wouldn’t give for a wall-breaking spanking, the cathartic release kind of crying, and some “it’s okay - I’ve got you” aftercare, followed by some restful sleep...”

Last week was the first time in a long time where I felt a little hope in the darkness. I held on to that hope and wrote my first blog entry in four years. It’s time to start sharing my story, to try new things, and to continue recovering.

I want to take a moment to thank many of you for the encouragement you have given me since I took these small steps both here and on Twitter. Your support and kindness mean so much to me. ❤️

Four Years

It’s been four long years since I last posted anything here. I am truly sorry that I pulled away from this part of my life. I stopped blogging, I stopped reading, and I stopped engaging. I’ve been wondering if any of the links that once brought you here are even still available. I cannot promise that I am back with any consistency. I cannot promise that what I do post will always be on that specific topic that connects all of us together in this online community. My self-confidence is in slow recovery mode, and I just don’t know if I’m really ready to be back. 

So, what am I doing? Nervously peeking through the crack in the door to see if anyone is still here after all this time. 

Why now? I’ve thought about coming back many times, but ultimately anxiety would get the better of me. The desire to reach out was in constant battle with the fear of rejection. Home life became emotionally and psychologically unmanageable, unbearable, and all-consuming. I have been using what little willpower I could muster to continue being responsible by going to work every day. I have been going through most of my days fully dependent on autopilot. I think, I hope that I am finally strong enough to try to do more and to try to find me again. 

What happened? To quote what I told a friend back in October after helping her through a particularly rough day, “One of these days, I’ll catch you up on my end. It’ll be a hell of a story.” I have not decided how much I should really share on such a public space. I have a feeling I will inevitably share some things because I am still broken, but I am also healing. Perhaps, by sharing some of my personal experiences, there is a possibility that I will help others. Maybe we can help each other move forward together. 

So, for those of you who have been here before, I truly thank you for returning. For those of you who are new, I thank you for stopping by and hope to see you again.

As always, I’d love to hear from you in the comments, on Twitter, or through email.

Forever and Always, cont.

This is a fictional story continued from last week's post.
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My forehead is pressed against the hallway corner and my ass is still warm from the spanking you gave me a few minutes ago. You told me that you never stopped loving me. I do believe you, but I can't help wondering how you could put me through so much heartache. I was in so much emotional pain when I thought you had been taken away from me. It scares me still to know that you could do something without thinking of the possible consequences and not come home...not come back to me. Why? There’s just no way it could have been worth it to you. I don’t want to go through that again. I want to move passed it and I’m working on it, but you are going to have to help me. I can’t do it alone.

I know why I’m tired a lot and I know why I don’t want to do the things I used to...because you are right - I am afraid. I’m afraid of caring too much and afraid of losing you. I’m afraid of getting hurt - my heart was broken and I’m not back to normal, yet. I still get anxious, angry, and depressed at times.

In hindsight, I stopped doing my normal things (like video games, darts, blogging, etc.) because in my mind they just aren’t worth my time when I could be in your arms where I can still feel protected and like you aren’t going anywhere. That’s where I feel safe. I’m not ready to do other things yet. We are moving slowly and I need that right now. I just wish I knew how to tell you all of this so that you’d understand where I’m coming from, because I’ve never stopped loving you either.

Those moments where I can’t look at you...aren’t because I don’t love you or have stopped loving you or have given up. I can’t look at you because of me...because I truly believe that I am not worth the trouble. My heart, mind, and soul are so fragile right now...why would anyone bother, why would anyone want to take care of, to love, to cherish, to protect me? It’s too much hassle, too much work, too much to ask. So, I look down and cry….broken, weak, and worthless….so much for that strong, independent young woman.

I have no doubt that I will be that person again...maybe not as young and maybe a little stronger, but I do know that it’s going to take time.

You once compared addiction to something like cancer. You asked, “If I got cancer, does that mean you’d stop loving me?” The answer is no. I would still love you if you had cancer. Just like I still love you today. I believe we will get through today for a better tomorrow, but I ask you the same thing...only I’ll compare being broken and afraid to being really sick. Would you leave my bedside and stop loving me?

You often ask me what's wrong and want me to talk to you, but I don't want to sound like I'm always nagging and complaining. I don't want you to get defensive. I don't want you to think that you’re not doing anything right. I see you trying and I even see you adjusting. The things that I don't like or would like to change are things that would ultimately protect you, protect us from things that could go wrong and be out of our control. You don't think we can control others...you’re right, but we can control enough of what we say and do to make a difference.

I don't want to look back with regret and say, “That's the day I lost you,” I want to look back with pride and say, “That's the day we found us again. That's when we put ourselves and our relationship on the top of our priority list.”

I guess the answer to your question of, “Why have you stopped…?” is so much more than, “I just don't feel like it, I don't know, or I'm afraid.”

So, how do I explain this to you? Maybe I need to do something I used to do...I’ll type up a blog entry, then you'll read it and we’ll talk about it.

From the corner, I call out, "Honey?"

"Yes, Love?"

"May I go publish a blog post? I think it'll help me gather my thoughts."

After a pause, "Yes, you may, but I better not catch you reading other stories."

"Yes, Sir."

As I turn around to head to the computer desk and start to pass our bedroom door, you arrive with our new leather paddle in hand. "Before you go, why don't you bend over so I can make sure you're sitting on a freshly warmed behind while you type."

Yikes! I bend over with my hands on my knees and he places his hand on my lower back.

He delivers nine solid whacks. Then, he sends me on my way with a kiss.

The cool leather computer chair is actually quite soothing while I start putting together my thoughts.

...to be continued.

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Wow, this story that I’ve created with it’s made up corner time actually worked very well for figuring out how to share what I'm feeling.

What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?

I don’t mean when someone else has called you out or is making you feel that way. I’m talking about feeling embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed before you even open your mouth. I went into last weekend thinking that I was probably going to breakdown and cry at some point. I was feeling emotional (PMS) and felt like I just needed to cry. Well, we went to drop off my step-daughter and had a pretty good weekend which means I never actually had the opportunity or catalyst to cry. We are by ourselves again, so we’ve been taking advantage of the alone time by getting in some fun spankings and making love. We’ve also been taking turns playing a video game which has also been fun, but for some reason I’ve been feeling pretty bummed out since yesterday.


The birth control pill I take usually has me wanting sex more often than normal during the week after my period. That has been me this week. For some reason the combination of wanting more sex and still feeling like I need to cry has me thinking about spanking, or rather being spanked, a lot right now. In recent weeks, I have unconsciously backed off of reading blogs and stories as often as I was because we’ve been busy. We helped Tom’s brother move, we had his daughter with us, and I’ve had to change my hours at work to something more normal (was 6am-2pm and I ate while working, now it’s 7am-4pm with an hour for lunch). I’m still trying to get used to the new routine which is proving a little difficult as it is a change. Also, my attention span or concentration ability isn’t what it used to be especially during the last hour of the work day.

Anyway, you may be wondering how any of this relates to my original topic in the header, “What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?” It seems with my sudden increase in thinking about spanking, I am also feeling all those things that we tell each other not to feel. I feel embarrassed to talk about being spanked because I don’t know how to explain it. I feel guilty because on top of everything else on Tom’s plate, I want him to take me over his knee if I do or don’t do certain things. I feel ashamed because I’m a damned adult and shouldn’t want to be spanked in the first place.

It’s funny. I thought I had accepted myself. I was even beginning feel like I didn’t need spankings at all. It’s just so frustrating when you can’t explain what you are feeling and why you feel that way. I also don’t want Tom to feel like I’m complaining and that what he is doing isn’t good enough because he loves me and is stepping out of his comfort zone to spank me. I am definitely grateful for what he does and the effort he puts into trying something different for me. And, I don’t blame him when I feel out of whack. After all, I’m the one with the odd kink, not him. Even I think I’m crazy for wanting to be spanked sometimes. (sigh)

What are you afraid of?

I am afraid...
that I was/am not enough.
that I have failed.
that I won't be able to help.

I am afraid...
of being lied to again.
of being hurt emotionally.
of losing him and not being able to do anything about it.

A few months ago, he told me I was being co-dependent. I'm sure we were arguing at the time, but he also told me I was being too needy, too clingy, and that I wanted too much. In hindsight, I think he was just trying to alleviate his guilt and make me feel bad. It definitely made me feel bad, but was what he said true? Sure, we all experience some minor co-dependent behaviors. I don't know anyone who doesn't feel good when they give someone a gift and the receiver lights up like it was best present ever. Also, in hindsight, I now understand what was going on outside of the argument. He was trying to juggle his time among his brother, getting high, and me. I had started to feel like he was choosing his brothers over me when that was only partially true. They were all busy trying not to feel the death of their father by getting high. In doing so, they spent lots of time together both day and night. There were many nights that I went to bed alone, even on nights when we had sex. He may or may not have joined me hours later. I don't think I ever thought that I was truly losing him, but I did feel like he was pulling away from me. Sex was beginning to feel like a moment of elation followed by a lonely crash. I missed him. I started to feel like the only time he was there emotionally was when we were having sex or when we were both crying because I finally broke down and tried to explain what I was feeling.

I think that on some level most of us experience co-dependent behaviors when we are trying to get to and are in a submissive mindset. The desire to please, attuned to what he wants, feeling self-conscious, and any guilty feelings if something goes awry. All of these feelings are normal. However, when I started feeling like I had moved down on the list of his priorities, when I started feeling like I was the only one taking care of the boys, when I found out he was lying to me, when I thought he no longer wanted to spend time with me, and when I believed what I said and felt no longer mattered,...then all of those co-dependent tendencies intensified.

Then came the feelings of helplessness, anger, fear, and hurt. My self-worth had taken a hit. I felt guilty that I had turned a blind eye towards the signs. I felt that my heart and trust had taken a major blow.

Even though I recognize the signs of co-dependency, I don't believe that I am truly co-dependent because I can function on my own, and when I am aware of what is going on I do not obsess about where he is or what he's doing. Yes, I do enjoy spending time with him and doing things together, but there are some things that I don't jump all into because they aren't my thing. For instance, he likes playing with audio speakers - I don't mind messing with them for a while but I tend to get bored with it so I'll do something else in the same room. A lot of the time when I do feel needy and clingy, it's because I don't want to lose him, and honestly what do you expect after what we've been through?

I know that what happened wasn't my fault, but I hate how powerless I feel. When I choose to let go of control when we play or have sex, it's because I feel safe, cared for, and I trust him. But feeling powerless when it comes to an addiction is absolutely terrifying. I hate feeling like I'm not enough, like I'm going to lose him. I hate watching him walk out of the door because I don't know if he's coming back and not because he doesn't want to come home, but because he won't be able to.

He has been sober for almost 7 weeks, and I am very proud of him. Even though drinking isn't the problem, he started going to AA meetings this week and it is helping him gain perspective and let's him remember he isn't alone in his addiction. I am considering attending an Al-anon meeting, but I'm afraid it'll be full of stories of abuse and people trying to let go and back off of their loved ones for their own safety or for tough love. My story isn't one of abuse and trying to get out. I want to stay and support him. I want him to see what he has right in front of him. I realize I have no control over what someone else does, but how do you deal with it when what he does affects you? Step back? Stop caring? Don't get upset? In my mind if I pull the focus from him, then all I am doing is learning to live without him. How does that help us?

Honestly, I believe that he won't do it again, and I know he feels terrible about what he did. In addition to the legal issues that are still looming, he also lost his job on March 24th. We mostly finished one of his side jobs but we are still waiting on payment - the guy owes us $2,400. His second side job has gone over the original estimated one week of work by two weeks due to rain and working by himself. He also reduced his quote because he was concerned he wouldn't get work, but when you do the math...that means he is making significantly less than minimum wage because of gas (job location is an hour out) and time lost. He has made some headway with things around the house - fixed lawnmower, fixed weedeater, built lean-to for dad, finished most of the siding work on a large shed, fixed leak in roof, etc. There are still things on the list that even I get overwhelmed thinking about it all. We have things that we can sell, but even they need to be fixed first - two vehicles and a camper.

Today, he went to quote a job and apply for a job. I definitely do not want him to get depressed or lose hope. I want him to get better, deal with the past, and learn how to cope. I am feeling the emotions of the past in triggered spurts, but I need to work on figuring out how to let it go and overcome the fear. It is hard when an action or a word reminds me or makes me question. He is doing very well at letting me know his plans for the day and calling me if things change or he is going to be late. Those simple things help alleviate so much stress, worry, and fear. I do trust him...but trusting without fear will have to come back in time. I hope you understand that I am not afraid of him nor am I afraid that he will do anything to purposely hurt me in any way. I am not afraid of relapse but I am afraid he will be taken from me because of a relapse.

Posting is so hard these days. I want to share what I'm feeling, because I need to get it out and not avoid my own emotions. I also hope that maybe others will have their own story to share even if it's anonymously.

I'm sorry this isn't a spanking related post. Erotic spankings definitely still occur and are thoroughly enjoyable, but this post is just about life and what's on my mind right now.

Please feel free to leave comments (anonymously or not) about your experiences with addictions, AA or Al-anon meetings, other group meetings, or just general support. Every little bit helps and maybe you'll even be helping someone else who wanders on to this post.

The wonders of lurking...

I've been aimlessly wandering through blogland recently. I'll click on a link, usually through Bonnie's MBS blog, and read about someone else's experiences. I might stick around for a few minutes reading recent posts and then I'll click on the next one and repeat the process. So, what am I doing? What am I looking for? I guess I'm just trying to gain perspective. I want to see what might or what might not be working for other couples in TTWD. I'm looking for things I might want to discuss, but maybe most of all...I'm still trying to convince myself I'm not alone in how I think, how I feel, and what I want.

I'm finding that not only do a lot of us share this desire to be spanked, but we also share a lot of other things that come with TTWD. We have the same relationship caveats, the same fears, doubts, and confusion regarding roles and expectations. I see the lulls in relationships where nothing happens and the highs where everything is perfect. I see the fear and doubt bubble up into an overwhelming sense of being lost when things are confusing - am I doing something wrong? is it enough? maybe I'm expecting too much?

Each person feels at fault when things don't go as expected, when you both aren't on the same page. It's amazing that the feelings are the same whether you are the Top or the bottom - only the perspective is different. It's all there - fear, doubt, loss of self-confidence, not being enough, general confusion. It seems that relationships in TTWD are indeed stronger and more open, but with the extreme highs, we can also experience extreme lows. It all sounds like a terrifying roller coaster of trust. So, the questions are...what do you want? Can we compromise when we don't agree? Is it worth it?

How will you know any of those answers if you don't communicate?

I know it's easier said than done. I'm not writing/typing this for all of you because I magically know all the answers. I'm actually talking about this for me because I don't have all the answers. I still don't know what exactly it is that I want, I'm not sure what it is that I need, and I have no idea what the difference is between what I want vs. what I need or how to communicate any of it effectively.

It all works so seamlessly in my fantasies, but even I'm not the same person in my fantasies as I am in reality. Role playing doesn't work for me because I have never been able to act like someone I'm not. I'm not the college student with bad behavior problems, I'm not the secretary who makes an abundance of typos, and I'm not the naughty wife who pays bills late or flirts with random guys. Now, please don't misunderstand me. I know I am far from being perfect.

At home, I can think things to death before coming up with an answer. I am the type of person who will drop everything to help someone else. I lack self-confidence in many things I do. I'm shy about what I want and unsure about what I need. I fear the unknown and too much change makes me nervous. At work, it's another story. I project confidence and do what's needed to get the job done. If I don't know the answer, I'll ask someone. If they don't know, then I'll research and discuss any issues with the customer.

How can I be these two very different people? I don't even know when the switch occurs. When I get home, the change isn't immediate, but it definitely leaves me feeling lost and confused. I just don't know what to expect.

Am I submissive? I know I act like I am, but it really depends on the situation. Do I want him to be the only one in control? Sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes I want to have fun. Sometimes I want to be punished (for what I have no clue). Mostly I want him to know what I want and to be able to give it to me.

Relationship Observations/Advice

Here are a few things I've observed about relationships.

1. Communication is number one. You must have open communication for any relationship to work. You have to be willing to discuss expectations, goals, wants, needs, desires, limits, etc. Not only must you be willing to talk, but you must also be willing to listen. You have to be willing to understand what is being said, take time to think about it, and then formulate a response. Communication is the key. If you find it difficult to talk, then collect your thoughts and try writing letters or sending e-mails. You've now used the key and opened the door. If you are receiving these notes, then take time to read them, think about them beforehand, and then walk through the open door of communication together.
2. Mutual acceptance is a part of any relationship. That doesn't mean the person you are today will be the same person you are tomorrow - that we won't learn, change, and grow. What it does mean is that you need to talk to each other about each other. No one is perfect. If we were all perfect, this world would be awfully boring. Take the time to learn about each other. Talk about your experiences and share your dreams. Discuss your fears and share your fantasies. When things change, talk some more. Communicating with each other leads to understanding and acceptance.
3. In any relationship, it is inevitable to have both big and small expectations. Unfortunately, when your expectations are not met, no matter how small, you can be dreadfully disappointed. Does that mean you should lower the bar? That depends...did you ever actually communicate your expectations? How on earth do you expect to meet them together if only one of you understands the expectations? And, what's worse is you feel like the other person isn't trying or doesn't care at all when that's probably not the case. The number one reason people fail to meet expectations is because they were never aware of what was expected in the first place! Both parties should communicate his/her expectations and openly discuss how they are going to meet them together. This won't cure all disappointment, but it is definitely a step in the right direction.
4. You, Me, Us - Until now, you've done your thing and I've done my thing. Now we're together, what should change and what should not? Maybe both of you start doing everything together, maybe both of you want to keep things independent. However, the only way you're going to find out how to move forward in a relationship is through communication. I want to have a girls' night and you want to have a guys' night, but on this night we always have our night. Also keep in mind major decisions need to be made together - it isn't just about you or me anymore; it's about us.
5. The relationship isn't new anymore. In the beginning, he would send flowers to your office and you would buy him his favorite video game. He would call you during the day just to tell you he loves you, and you would drop by his work to bring him lunch. Now, it's been months since he's bought you a card and the last thing you picked up for him was a pair of odor-eaters for his work boots. Do you even remember when you last went out to dinner together? But don't be disappointed, just remember to step back and take a moment to smell the roses and make time for each other. It's not that you don't love each other anymore; it's that life has a tendency to get in the way from time to time. Try something new together and enjoy each other's company.
6. My Fantasy vs. Our Reality - Trying to live out a fantasy is a lot like trying to meet an expectation. You must communicate what you want and how you want it. Discuss limits and what might happen if something goes awry. Be prepared that in reality things might not go exactly as what you planned from your fantasy. When (not if) the need arises, pause and talk. It's also important to not be judgmental as this may be new to both of you and you are therefore both vulnerable to criticism. Accept that although things may vary between fantasy and reality, you can still have a great time as long as you keep that open line of communication.
7. Respect and trust are requirements (at least for me) especially in intimate relationships.  You must be willing and able to respect and trust each other, only then can you be truly open with each other.  Even when you don't agree, both should be respectful of the other's opinions.  If you don't respect each other enough to listen, then all you are doing is breaking trust.  If limits are set, they must be observed so that both people feel safe. When a person submits/turns over control in any way, he/she is vulnerable - he/she trusts you to respect the boundaries that you both have established.
8. A relationship is a journey you travel together, so have fun making the most of it.

Edit:  Feel free to click on the "Acceptance" or "Communication" label links below to read my other posts on these topics.  Thanks!

I found you.

-- Just so everyone is on the same page. A majority of the dialogue from the following story has come directly from discussions my fiancé and I have had, however, the actual scene and how it plays out with spanking involved has not happened.  Maybe it will eventually and I really hope it does. At the moment, we still have a couple of guests so we aren't back to normal just yet. --  

With a sigh, I slump down on the couch. I'm feeling restless.  I want to get up and do something, but then again, I don't feel like doing anything at all.  I turn on the TV and start channel surfing hoping to find something, anything to distract me.  Alas, over a 150 channels and nothing has even remotely piqued my interest, so I just randomly pick a channel.  I stare at whatever is playing but I'm no longer paying attention.  I drag myself off the couch and decide to start a load of laundry and do the dishes...I might as well be constructive while I mope. 

When I'm done with the dishes, I return to the couch feeling just as restless as I had earlier.  At that moment, I hear the love of my life open the door.  As he rounds the corner into the living room, I quickly put on a smile after all he's not why I'm in a mood and I am happy to see him.  He returns the smile and asks, "How was your day?" 

I reply, "Mm, all right I guess."  I mean nothing unusual happened.  It was just a normal day, except for this depressing cloud that seems to hovering around my head.  "What about your day?" 

He sets his paperwork down on the countertop and joins me on the couch.  He starts to show me photos on his phone of the progress he is making at his current remodeling job.  After a few moments, it becomes apparent to him that I seem distracted.  He asks, "What's the matter?" 

With a shrug, I reply, "I don't know.  Just feeling restless...and depressed." 

"About what?" 

"Not a clue," I sigh.  It's just the same old worries and fears but a different day.  Why bother mentioning it again? 

He looks at me carefully and says, "You cannot look this gloomy and not know what's wrong."  Jokingly, he adds, "Don't lie to me." 

Suddenly defensive, I argue, "I'm not lying to you."  Then, knowing full well what I'm about to do, I scathingly add, "If I knew, I'd damn well tell you!" 

As soon as I shut my mouth, guilt (from lashing out) and doubt (from being unsure if I really wanted to go where this was inevitably heading) join the mix of emotions running through my head. I used to just not say anything at all and keep everything inside, but that would lead to me shutting down and not talking about it ever.  Now, I find myself reacting verbally first without thinking so that we can try to deal with things (attitude and all) in the moment.  Why can't I just talk? 

I look away and try to calm down while he watches me.  He can see I'm frustrated and upset.  His demeanor changes.  He takes control of the situation.  "Before we let this conversation turn into another pointless argument, I think I owe you a long and thorough spanking." 

Long and thorough? I figured on a spanking for my current attitude, but somehow I don't think we're on the same page.  I voice my confusion, "What for?" 

"For what we talked about the other day after our last disagreement and what you have blogged about a few times. You have repeatedly mentioned a fear of rejection and a fear that I'll just get up and leave.  I've decided to start handling those concerns right now.  I intend to do my best to make you realize that 1) I will not reject you and 2) I'm not going anywhere.  I've tried telling you, but that just doesn't seem to get through to you."
 

My heart starts pounding.  After a pause and no response from me, he adds, "Bring me the spanking buddy and the hairbrush." 

I hesitate.  He says, "I would hurry up if I were you.  Otherwise, I'll go get them and I'll add the big wooden paddle to the list." 

I get up from the couch and head to the bedroom to retrieve the items.  I feel a slight excitement knowing what's in store. Even though I am hurrying, it takes a moment to find what I'm looking for since we haven't really decided on one place to put everything.  From the other room, I hear, "Since it's taking so long, bring the shorter cane, too."

I quickly find everything and return to the living room.  

He stands up, takes the implements from me, and places them on the couch.  His eyes find mine and after a moment, he pulls me into a hug.  "I love you with all my heart." 

Squeezing my arms around him, I whisper back, "I love you with all my heart, too." 

He pulls out of the hug and sits down on the couch.  "Time to lose the jeans." 

I pull my jeans down and stand closer to him.  Reaching out, he takes my hand and kisses it.  Then, he guides me facedown over his lap.  He rubs my bottom and tells me to turn my head so he can see my face.  I close my eyes and turn my head.  He asks me, "Why do you close your eyes?" 

After thinking about it, I answer truthfully, "Because I'm hiding." 

"Are you hiding from me?" 

"Yes...no..." 

"What are you hiding from?" 

Thinking - from being depressed and vulnerable, from fear and guilt, from doubt and pain, from you and me.  Damn, here we go again...why am I so fucking weak?!  Eyes still shut, I let out an exasperated sigh and answer, "Everything." 

"OK, let's see if I can find you."  He starts spanking me with his hand.  Slowly and gently, he works his way all over my bottom.  It feels good and doesn't hurt yet.  I appreciate he decided to start like this.  After a couple of minutes, he pauses to rub and then pulls down my panties.  The hand spanking resumes and he builds up the intensity over the next few minutes, warming me up nicely. 

He decides it's time for the spanking buddy.  The first smack is definitely more intense than his hand alone.  He mixes slow, deliberate smacks with a few in quick succession.  He continues for a while evenly darkening the pink hue of my rearend.  He pauses to ask, "How do you feel?" 

"Warm..." Spanking harder - Smack, smack, smack, smack. 

 I know your backside is warm and we certainly aren't done yet. (smack) I meant do you feel how much I love you?  Are you beginning to realize that I love you no matter what?  Do you understand that I want you to always be able to talk to me?  I accept you for who you are." 

I don't reply.  He pulls off the spanking buddy and picks up the hairbrush.  He smacks each cheek a few times to get my attention before asking, "Are you listening to me?" and follows up with two more each. 

Stubbornly, I remain silent. So he just steps it up with a flurry of three here then three there and repeat. I start wiggling and I gasp, "Yes, Sir!" 

"Good." He finds a steady, but intense rythm and begins talking while spanking.  "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.  You push me to be a better person without even trying.  I see how much you love me in the little things you do every day.  Why would you ever think that I'm going to just leave and not come back?"  My eyes start to water. 

"Ouch! I don't know! Ow!"  He pauses. "I guess I thought you would just get tired of me one day.  That you would decide I was too clingy or too needy or that my parents are too involved in my life for you to handle.  That I wouldn't be worth the work involved to keep our relationship strong."  I start crying. 

He begins spanking again, "You are worth the sun, the moon, and all the stars combined.  You are the best thing that's ever happend to me.  Also, how could I ever reject someone who is so beautiful inside and out?  You are the most giving person I have ever met." I start crying harder. 

He pauses to rub my back and bottom, "Let it go, Baby, because, like it or not, I'm not going anywhere."  I manage to chuckle a little even through my tears. 

He tosses the hairbrush aside and picks up the cane.  "I'm going to end with 'my nine' using the cane."  I nod and he begins to work his way slowly through the nine from the top of my bottom down to my sit spots adjusting the intensity based on my reactions and making sure it hurts but isn't too much. I can't count so he has to tell me, "That was nine, Honey. Come here."  He rubs my bottom while he holds me close. I feel safe.

When my breathing returns to normal, I slowly look up at him. After wiping away what's left of the tears on my face, his eyes find mine and he whispers, "I found you."

I don't know! Nothing! I'm fine!

Sound familiar? How often do these words actually mean what they say?  Why do these phrases seem to be the default answers when we are upset?  Come on, I know I'm not the only one who attempts to use them as quick copouts to avoid revealing the answer. Isn't it just easier to say one of the automatic responses than expose our emotions, our vulnerability, or how needy we really are underneath the facade?  Hurry, flip the autopilot switch before you reach the point of no return and fall to pieces!

So, what could be the real answer to "What's wrong?" or "What's the matter?"

A possible answer could be something insignificant like I forgot something on the grocery list.  OK, so in this instance, I just feel ridiculous for forgetting whatever it was especially if it was on the list and after spending a crazy amount of time in the store.  Maybe I just don't want to admit that I'm embarrassed; however, this could also be the final straw that broke the camel's back.

Or, it could be that I simply had a rough day at work. My days can vary.  One day I could be managing/programming the company's internal webpage which is not even remotely related to mechanical engineering, but I do enjoy it.  The next day I could be working on two quotes and taking care of two jobs (calculations, drawings, paperwork, etc.).  Some days just make me feel frazzled because customers are calling in, things are due, and of course everyone else is out of the office!  I know I should learn to step back and breathe.  Believe me, I used to be a lot worse when it came to work-related stress.  Even though I've learned how to let some things go, I can still have my rough days.

It could also be more complex like someone saying something and because of a combination of the way it was said and how I took it, now I feel very insecure and hurt.  Maybe it's one scenario or maybe it's just adding one more thing to the list of things that could be bugging me.  Suddenly, all those annoying little things, which might have been manageable individually, are now wrecking havoc in my head.

So, how could this play out in conversation and how could you get passed the brick wall that has been erected in an attempt to save yourself from possible rejection?  The dialogue of the automated response conversation can happen any number of ways. Here's one version that might help me.

At the end of one of those long days...
Me: (you and I make eye contact and I look away quickly, eyes beginning to water) Maybe he won't notice.  After all, I'm fine, right?

Him: (with concern) Honey, what's wrong?

Me: (on the verge of tears - the dam won't hold for long) I shake my head as if to say, "Nothing," but don't utter a word.

Him: Baby, I can see it all over your face. Now, what's the matter?

Me: (a tear travels silently down my cheek) He actually cares about me - I can hear it in his voice. I can't hide because he can see right through me.  Breaking down, I reply, "I don't know!" (insecurities kick in) It doesn't matter. He's just going to think I'm being foolish.  My heart feels heavy. Why can't I be strong enough? Why am I so needy? I feel so childish, raw, and vulnerable.  What happened to the strong, independent woman? Damn, I guess I left her at work.

Me, cont.: (glancing up at him, mind buzzing with irrational, fear-induced rambling - no, not fear of him or anything he'll do, but fear of rejection and fear of not being worth the trouble) Please don't leave me!  I need you...to be my rock, to pick up the pieces, to take control for a little while.  (He hasn't moved yet.  He's just patiently watching me.)

Him: (His hand reaches out to caress my face.) Do you need a spanking?

Me: (not looking at him) I nod.

Him: Sweetheart, come here. I've got you. Let me take care of you. (He reaches for my hand and gently pulls me facedown over his lap.)  It's OK. I'm here. (His hand caresses my bottom.)  This isn't a punishment - it's because I love you and I want to help you.  We will deal with this together.

Me: (whispered) I love you, too.

With his hand and maybe some implements, he slowly tears down the wall, watches me relax, and whispers sweet encouragement.  He is there to pick up the pieces.  When it's over, I'll feel loved, cared for, protected, and cherished.  Maybe now, we can talk about what was bothering me, significant or not.  I no longer fear being rejected.  For the time being, the weight of the world is no longer resting on my shoulders.  Soon, I'll be able to stand strong and take on the world again.

Q: But wait, did you ever answer?  What was such a big deal?

A: (shrugs with a shy smile) I don't know...maybe I just needed to cry...

What do you want?

Please bear with me while I follow this line of Q&A-type thinking.  This is more or less a conversation between the love of my life and myself that we actually haven’t had.  No, I'm not crazy...or maybe no crazier than the next person, and if we're both/all crazy, then I consider myself in excellent company. :-) Also, I apologize in advance for foregoing some things, like quotation marks and such.

What do you want?

That is a question I have heard fairly often.  Simple enough, right?  What do you want to eat, what do you want to do, what do you want out of life?  Apparently, I am a pretty indecisive person because most of the time I just don't know the answers to any of that.  My response is usually in the form of an indifferent, indecisive shrug of the shoulders and a glance at the floor.  Let me guess - it looks like I don’t care, right? So of course, you feel frustrated, confused, impatient?

Now, you may think I'm purposefully being unhelpful or defiant in not answering.  Perhaps I’m just being a woman or maybe it’s my time of the month?  But how do you think I really feel when I can't provide you with an answer?  Embarrassed, shy, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, vulnerable. Okay, so I'm not perfect and I don't have all the answers in life.

Let's try narrowing the topic...what do you want out of being spanked?  Is that specific enough for you, Jay?  Can you answer that?

What? Why are we still talking about me?

Aha!  And, that is the root of our problem.  You clam up when we try to talk about what you want/desire/need.  Why is it so hard for you to talk about the real you?  What’s the matter?

I don't know.

All right then, what do you know?

I know I like walking in the park, going to the movies, and playing video games.  I know I’m in love with you, and I know I trust you.  I know I enjoy thinking about being spanked, writing about being spanked, and actually being spanked.

What do I want out of being spanked?  I want to hand over control to you.  I do not want to make any decisions.  I do not want to think.  I want to let go.  I want you to love me and take care of me when I am weak and vulnerable.  I want to be accepted as I am, flaws and all.  I want to release, to cry if the need arises.  Sometimes I want to talk and sometimes I don’t.  I want to be held and comforted.  I want to feel that you’ve got me and be reassured that you aren’t going anywhere.  I want to feel like I’m worthwhile.

What do I want out of life?  I don’t want to be rich, but I’d like to live comfortably.  I don’t want to forget to pause and enjoy the moment every once in a while.  I want us to always be open with each other.  I want us to not only be lovers but also best friends.  I want to experience life together and grow old with you, hand-in-hand.

What do I want to do?  I want to do a lot of things, however, time and money are not always on my side.

What do I want to eat? A chicken strip combo from Bojangle’s (too bad the nearest one is 276 miles away)

So, what do I want?  I want it all.  Is that too much to ask?  Maybe now you know why I’m so indecisive.

Heck, even in my mind, I sound too needy.  Am I being too hard on myself?  How do I know if I’m worth it?  You’d swear that I had parents, an ex, or some crazy event that royally messed with my self-image, but I didn’t…this is all me.

Just to clarify again.  My fiancé and I haven’t actually had this conversation to this extent and we are doing just fine.  :-)  He did ask the initial question the other day and so it’s taken me a while to think about it.  Unfortunately, I’ve done all the communicating in my own head, but never fear, my love will read this and I’m sure we will talk about it soon.

In the mean time, feel free to comment and/or provide your own answer to any of the questions presented in this post.

Acceptance - "It's ok, I've got you."

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