The wonders of lurking...

I've been aimlessly wandering through blogland recently. I'll click on a link, usually through Bonnie's MBS blog, and read about someone else's experiences. I might stick around for a few minutes reading recent posts and then I'll click on the next one and repeat the process. So, what am I doing? What am I looking for? I guess I'm just trying to gain perspective. I want to see what might or what might not be working for other couples in TTWD. I'm looking for things I might want to discuss, but maybe most of all...I'm still trying to convince myself I'm not alone in how I think, how I feel, and what I want.

I'm finding that not only do a lot of us share this desire to be spanked, but we also share a lot of other things that come with TTWD. We have the same relationship caveats, the same fears, doubts, and confusion regarding roles and expectations. I see the lulls in relationships where nothing happens and the highs where everything is perfect. I see the fear and doubt bubble up into an overwhelming sense of being lost when things are confusing - am I doing something wrong? is it enough? maybe I'm expecting too much?

Each person feels at fault when things don't go as expected, when you both aren't on the same page. It's amazing that the feelings are the same whether you are the Top or the bottom - only the perspective is different. It's all there - fear, doubt, loss of self-confidence, not being enough, general confusion. It seems that relationships in TTWD are indeed stronger and more open, but with the extreme highs, we can also experience extreme lows. It all sounds like a terrifying roller coaster of trust. So, the questions are...what do you want? Can we compromise when we don't agree? Is it worth it?

How will you know any of those answers if you don't communicate?

I know it's easier said than done. I'm not writing/typing this for all of you because I magically know all the answers. I'm actually talking about this for me because I don't have all the answers. I still don't know what exactly it is that I want, I'm not sure what it is that I need, and I have no idea what the difference is between what I want vs. what I need or how to communicate any of it effectively.

It all works so seamlessly in my fantasies, but even I'm not the same person in my fantasies as I am in reality. Role playing doesn't work for me because I have never been able to act like someone I'm not. I'm not the college student with bad behavior problems, I'm not the secretary who makes an abundance of typos, and I'm not the naughty wife who pays bills late or flirts with random guys. Now, please don't misunderstand me. I know I am far from being perfect.

At home, I can think things to death before coming up with an answer. I am the type of person who will drop everything to help someone else. I lack self-confidence in many things I do. I'm shy about what I want and unsure about what I need. I fear the unknown and too much change makes me nervous. At work, it's another story. I project confidence and do what's needed to get the job done. If I don't know the answer, I'll ask someone. If they don't know, then I'll research and discuss any issues with the customer.

How can I be these two very different people? I don't even know when the switch occurs. When I get home, the change isn't immediate, but it definitely leaves me feeling lost and confused. I just don't know what to expect.

Am I submissive? I know I act like I am, but it really depends on the situation. Do I want him to be the only one in control? Sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes I want to have fun. Sometimes I want to be punished (for what I have no clue). Mostly I want him to know what I want and to be able to give it to me.

Update on Wanting It All by Livia Grant

For those of you who wandered over to the Wanting It All story on Literotica from my post back in June, I just wanted to let you know that the author LB Grant has taken it down from the site.  I just happened to notice this because I was in the middle of reading it again when it went down, so I wandered over to her biography page and found that she has a few release dates with Blushing Books that we can look forward to under the pen name Livia Grant!  The orignal story is broken into two books as part of the Passion Series.  The first book is called Wanting It All with a publish date around August 5th, and second book is called Securing It All with a publish date around September 5th of this year.  The third book is the continuation of the story called Having It All and a fourth book (not yet titled) will be available towards the end of the year.  If interested, you can read more about it here. 

Congratulations, LB Grant!  I'm very excited for you and can't wait to order my copy of your first book!

Edit - The release date for the first book has been pushed back to August 22nd.  It is still worth the wait!

Funny Live News Clip

I'm sure most of you have probably happened upon this, but for me this YouTube clip never gets old.  There isn't an actual spanking involved, but the [accidental?] implication of the anchorwoman's response is downright  hilarious.  Although I do feel embarrassed for the woman being on air and all, I can't help but laugh myself silly every time I watch it.

I'm posting this with my phone, so please let me know if the clip doesn't work and I'll try to fix it when I get home. (Or click here.)

Relationship Observations/Advice

Here are a few things I've observed about relationships.

1. Communication is number one. You must have open communication for any relationship to work. You have to be willing to discuss expectations, goals, wants, needs, desires, limits, etc. Not only must you be willing to talk, but you must also be willing to listen. You have to be willing to understand what is being said, take time to think about it, and then formulate a response. Communication is the key. If you find it difficult to talk, then collect your thoughts and try writing letters or sending e-mails. You've now used the key and opened the door. If you are receiving these notes, then take time to read them, think about them beforehand, and then walk through the open door of communication together.
2. Mutual acceptance is a part of any relationship. That doesn't mean the person you are today will be the same person you are tomorrow - that we won't learn, change, and grow. What it does mean is that you need to talk to each other about each other. No one is perfect. If we were all perfect, this world would be awfully boring. Take the time to learn about each other. Talk about your experiences and share your dreams. Discuss your fears and share your fantasies. When things change, talk some more. Communicating with each other leads to understanding and acceptance.
3. In any relationship, it is inevitable to have both big and small expectations. Unfortunately, when your expectations are not met, no matter how small, you can be dreadfully disappointed. Does that mean you should lower the bar? That depends...did you ever actually communicate your expectations? How on earth do you expect to meet them together if only one of you understands the expectations? And, what's worse is you feel like the other person isn't trying or doesn't care at all when that's probably not the case. The number one reason people fail to meet expectations is because they were never aware of what was expected in the first place! Both parties should communicate his/her expectations and openly discuss how they are going to meet them together. This won't cure all disappointment, but it is definitely a step in the right direction.
4. You, Me, Us - Until now, you've done your thing and I've done my thing. Now we're together, what should change and what should not? Maybe both of you start doing everything together, maybe both of you want to keep things independent. However, the only way you're going to find out how to move forward in a relationship is through communication. I want to have a girls' night and you want to have a guys' night, but on this night we always have our night. Also keep in mind major decisions need to be made together - it isn't just about you or me anymore; it's about us.
5. The relationship isn't new anymore. In the beginning, he would send flowers to your office and you would buy him his favorite video game. He would call you during the day just to tell you he loves you, and you would drop by his work to bring him lunch. Now, it's been months since he's bought you a card and the last thing you picked up for him was a pair of odor-eaters for his work boots. Do you even remember when you last went out to dinner together? But don't be disappointed, just remember to step back and take a moment to smell the roses and make time for each other. It's not that you don't love each other anymore; it's that life has a tendency to get in the way from time to time. Try something new together and enjoy each other's company.
6. My Fantasy vs. Our Reality - Trying to live out a fantasy is a lot like trying to meet an expectation. You must communicate what you want and how you want it. Discuss limits and what might happen if something goes awry. Be prepared that in reality things might not go exactly as what you planned from your fantasy. When (not if) the need arises, pause and talk. It's also important to not be judgmental as this may be new to both of you and you are therefore both vulnerable to criticism. Accept that although things may vary between fantasy and reality, you can still have a great time as long as you keep that open line of communication.
7. Respect and trust are requirements (at least for me) especially in intimate relationships.  You must be willing and able to respect and trust each other, only then can you be truly open with each other.  Even when you don't agree, both should be respectful of the other's opinions.  If you don't respect each other enough to listen, then all you are doing is breaking trust.  If limits are set, they must be observed so that both people feel safe. When a person submits/turns over control in any way, he/she is vulnerable - he/she trusts you to respect the boundaries that you both have established.
8. A relationship is a journey you travel together, so have fun making the most of it.

Edit:  Feel free to click on the "Acceptance" or "Communication" label links below to read my other posts on these topics.  Thanks!

Getting back into the swing of things.

It has been a rough couple of weeks all around...but I think it's a bit too personal to go into detail here.  Suffice it to say, rough is a huge understatement, but things are getting better and we are dealing with what life throws at us together. 

Since my stepdaughter has been visiting for the past two weeks, we haven't been able to play much, so I was very grateful when we did manage to have a couple of very short scenes with the new canes.  They are relatively quiet and worked well for quick, nighttime reconnections.  Even so, I really missed being able to talk openly, to make sounds (even though I'm not that loud to begin with), and to feel the variety of other implements (including his hand).  This brings us to yesterday. 

We had just dropped off my stepdaughter with her mom when we decided to do a little shopping for some new clothes for me.  Now normally, I am a sneakers, jeans, and t-shirt kind of gal.  I have only ever worn dresses when attending dances back in high school (homecoming and prom) or my own graduation where it was a requirement.  So, let's see - that means, I've worn one dress in the last eight years which was at my college graduation.  It's not that I don't like them or don't like to look at them on the rack in the store.  I just don't like me in them; however, every now and then, I secretly want to go ahead and get one.  Why?  I don't know.  It's not like I go to dances anymore.  I just feel so silly wanting one yet having no desire to actually wear it in public.  Anyway, my fiancé was with me and knew that I wanted to look at some dresses, so he watched me try some on and then made me get two of them before I could talk myself out of it.  The dresses didn't cost much (about $30 for both) and they are nice and casual, but I'm still not sure if I'll ever go out in them.  I suppose if I don't I will at least have fun wearing them around the house.  After all, it's certainly easier to pull up a dress than pull down jeans. (grins mischievously) 

After shopping, we began our 70 min ride home.  It wasn't long before he leaned over from the passenger side and said, "9 times 7 is 63 times 2 is 126!  So, that means you have 126 licks coming for two weeks worth of 'my nine' we've missed!"  I nodded and smiled, feeling my heart speed up a couple of beats.  He had fun teasing me for a few minutes before the conversation turned to regular topics. 

When we finally arrived at home, he followed me into the bedroom and picked out the Cane-iac paddle.  I bent over the end of the bed and he delivered the first set of nine at a medium strength.  "That's one day."  He continued to repeat the process, varying speed and location, as I wiggled back and forth until we reached seven days.  "That's one week's worth.  I think we'll wait a little while for the second half."  I stood up and reached back.  I could feel the heat radiating from my backside through my jeans.  Boy, I missed this! :-) 

We went into the living room and decided to start watching the Firefly series again.  (I love that show!)  Somewhere in the first episode, my love asked me a question about something he was tinkering with and I guess I must have replied with some sassy comment because the next thing I knew, I was facedown over his lap getting the second week's worth of 63 licks with the paddle that he conveniently had within arms reach.  This set felt absolutely amazing.  I don't know if it was the OTK position or the way he was swinging the paddle, but he really got my motor going with this set, and if the poking in my side was any indication, I obviously wasn't the only one revving up for some sexual activities.  We both hurried out of our clothes from the waist down.  He bent me over in front of the couch and took me hard and fast from behind until we were both seeing stars.  

Needless to say, I think we are definitely getting back into the swing of things.

I found you.

-- Just so everyone is on the same page. A majority of the dialogue from the following story has come directly from discussions my fiancé and I have had, however, the actual scene and how it plays out with spanking involved has not happened.  Maybe it will eventually and I really hope it does. At the moment, we still have a couple of guests so we aren't back to normal just yet. --  

With a sigh, I slump down on the couch. I'm feeling restless.  I want to get up and do something, but then again, I don't feel like doing anything at all.  I turn on the TV and start channel surfing hoping to find something, anything to distract me.  Alas, over a 150 channels and nothing has even remotely piqued my interest, so I just randomly pick a channel.  I stare at whatever is playing but I'm no longer paying attention.  I drag myself off the couch and decide to start a load of laundry and do the dishes...I might as well be constructive while I mope. 

When I'm done with the dishes, I return to the couch feeling just as restless as I had earlier.  At that moment, I hear the love of my life open the door.  As he rounds the corner into the living room, I quickly put on a smile after all he's not why I'm in a mood and I am happy to see him.  He returns the smile and asks, "How was your day?" 

I reply, "Mm, all right I guess."  I mean nothing unusual happened.  It was just a normal day, except for this depressing cloud that seems to hovering around my head.  "What about your day?" 

He sets his paperwork down on the countertop and joins me on the couch.  He starts to show me photos on his phone of the progress he is making at his current remodeling job.  After a few moments, it becomes apparent to him that I seem distracted.  He asks, "What's the matter?" 

With a shrug, I reply, "I don't know.  Just feeling restless...and depressed." 

"About what?" 

"Not a clue," I sigh.  It's just the same old worries and fears but a different day.  Why bother mentioning it again? 

He looks at me carefully and says, "You cannot look this gloomy and not know what's wrong."  Jokingly, he adds, "Don't lie to me." 

Suddenly defensive, I argue, "I'm not lying to you."  Then, knowing full well what I'm about to do, I scathingly add, "If I knew, I'd damn well tell you!" 

As soon as I shut my mouth, guilt (from lashing out) and doubt (from being unsure if I really wanted to go where this was inevitably heading) join the mix of emotions running through my head. I used to just not say anything at all and keep everything inside, but that would lead to me shutting down and not talking about it ever.  Now, I find myself reacting verbally first without thinking so that we can try to deal with things (attitude and all) in the moment.  Why can't I just talk? 

I look away and try to calm down while he watches me.  He can see I'm frustrated and upset.  His demeanor changes.  He takes control of the situation.  "Before we let this conversation turn into another pointless argument, I think I owe you a long and thorough spanking." 

Long and thorough? I figured on a spanking for my current attitude, but somehow I don't think we're on the same page.  I voice my confusion, "What for?" 

"For what we talked about the other day after our last disagreement and what you have blogged about a few times. You have repeatedly mentioned a fear of rejection and a fear that I'll just get up and leave.  I've decided to start handling those concerns right now.  I intend to do my best to make you realize that 1) I will not reject you and 2) I'm not going anywhere.  I've tried telling you, but that just doesn't seem to get through to you."
 

My heart starts pounding.  After a pause and no response from me, he adds, "Bring me the spanking buddy and the hairbrush." 

I hesitate.  He says, "I would hurry up if I were you.  Otherwise, I'll go get them and I'll add the big wooden paddle to the list." 

I get up from the couch and head to the bedroom to retrieve the items.  I feel a slight excitement knowing what's in store. Even though I am hurrying, it takes a moment to find what I'm looking for since we haven't really decided on one place to put everything.  From the other room, I hear, "Since it's taking so long, bring the shorter cane, too."

I quickly find everything and return to the living room.  

He stands up, takes the implements from me, and places them on the couch.  His eyes find mine and after a moment, he pulls me into a hug.  "I love you with all my heart." 

Squeezing my arms around him, I whisper back, "I love you with all my heart, too." 

He pulls out of the hug and sits down on the couch.  "Time to lose the jeans." 

I pull my jeans down and stand closer to him.  Reaching out, he takes my hand and kisses it.  Then, he guides me facedown over his lap.  He rubs my bottom and tells me to turn my head so he can see my face.  I close my eyes and turn my head.  He asks me, "Why do you close your eyes?" 

After thinking about it, I answer truthfully, "Because I'm hiding." 

"Are you hiding from me?" 

"Yes...no..." 

"What are you hiding from?" 

Thinking - from being depressed and vulnerable, from fear and guilt, from doubt and pain, from you and me.  Damn, here we go again...why am I so fucking weak?!  Eyes still shut, I let out an exasperated sigh and answer, "Everything." 

"OK, let's see if I can find you."  He starts spanking me with his hand.  Slowly and gently, he works his way all over my bottom.  It feels good and doesn't hurt yet.  I appreciate he decided to start like this.  After a couple of minutes, he pauses to rub and then pulls down my panties.  The hand spanking resumes and he builds up the intensity over the next few minutes, warming me up nicely. 

He decides it's time for the spanking buddy.  The first smack is definitely more intense than his hand alone.  He mixes slow, deliberate smacks with a few in quick succession.  He continues for a while evenly darkening the pink hue of my rearend.  He pauses to ask, "How do you feel?" 

"Warm..." Spanking harder - Smack, smack, smack, smack. 

 I know your backside is warm and we certainly aren't done yet. (smack) I meant do you feel how much I love you?  Are you beginning to realize that I love you no matter what?  Do you understand that I want you to always be able to talk to me?  I accept you for who you are." 

I don't reply.  He pulls off the spanking buddy and picks up the hairbrush.  He smacks each cheek a few times to get my attention before asking, "Are you listening to me?" and follows up with two more each. 

Stubbornly, I remain silent. So he just steps it up with a flurry of three here then three there and repeat. I start wiggling and I gasp, "Yes, Sir!" 

"Good." He finds a steady, but intense rythm and begins talking while spanking.  "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.  You push me to be a better person without even trying.  I see how much you love me in the little things you do every day.  Why would you ever think that I'm going to just leave and not come back?"  My eyes start to water. 

"Ouch! I don't know! Ow!"  He pauses. "I guess I thought you would just get tired of me one day.  That you would decide I was too clingy or too needy or that my parents are too involved in my life for you to handle.  That I wouldn't be worth the work involved to keep our relationship strong."  I start crying. 

He begins spanking again, "You are worth the sun, the moon, and all the stars combined.  You are the best thing that's ever happend to me.  Also, how could I ever reject someone who is so beautiful inside and out?  You are the most giving person I have ever met." I start crying harder. 

He pauses to rub my back and bottom, "Let it go, Baby, because, like it or not, I'm not going anywhere."  I manage to chuckle a little even through my tears. 

He tosses the hairbrush aside and picks up the cane.  "I'm going to end with 'my nine' using the cane."  I nod and he begins to work his way slowly through the nine from the top of my bottom down to my sit spots adjusting the intensity based on my reactions and making sure it hurts but isn't too much. I can't count so he has to tell me, "That was nine, Honey. Come here."  He rubs my bottom while he holds me close. I feel safe.

When my breathing returns to normal, I slowly look up at him. After wiping away what's left of the tears on my face, his eyes find mine and he whispers, "I found you."

Here comes the cavalry!

I know it's been a while since my last post, but we have been busy getting ready for guests.  Everyone is arriving / has arrived today!  Over the last week, we have managed to get my parents mostly moved in, and my fiancé and I have made our home  presentable.  I'm very proud of how we've pulled together and helped each other get everything ready for our relatives. 

It's definitely been a stressful week, but thankfully, we did manage to fit in a little time to quickly test our new spanking toys!  The triangular box arrived from Cane-iac last Thursday, and we eagerly opened it that night. We placed each toy on the bed as we pulled it out of the box.  The expansion to our arsenal included the leather ping pong paddle, the spanking buddy, and the tear jerker set. 

I guess I should have taken the time to write down a quick review after we played, but I was just too exhausted at the time.  I'll try to recall my first impressions of each implement and I'm sure if I forget something I'll post about it after I find myself receiving my second impression.  ;-P 

The leather ping pong paddle is a two-sided paddle with fur on one side and leather on the other.  This one provides sting on the leather side and a light thud on the other.  We already have a rectangular version of this paddle but we were looking for something of better quality.  Our existing one seemed to have a rough/scratchy bite along the edge of the paddle.  So far, the only complaint is that the handle is a little too wide making it awkward to wield - but that's not my problem. ;-) 

The spanking buddy slips onto the Top's hand and protects him/her from any damage while not compromising the experience for the bottom.  In my case, I think it actually protects me as well as him.  Some days his contractor's hands are really rough and dry (or have remnants of spray foam or grout on them) from work, so his hands are a bit too scrathcy on my skin especially if I'm feeling particularly sensitive.  The spanking buddy gives me the smack of the leather with some nice thud all-in-one.  It is more intense than his hand (which I love dearly on its own) but I do like the added protection so we don't unintentionally hurt each other. 

And, for the grand finale of this week's Cane-iac order, we have the tear jerker set.  This included the delrin SR 30" and the JR 18" canes.  Both are 1/4" in diameter and are very flexible.  I recall that the 30" is more flexible so it stings more and the 18" is less flexible which leads to more thud.  I'm sure I could bore you to death with the mechanics of moment arms and how increasing the distance affects force and the ridgidity of the material, but I think I slept through part of that class so I'll spare the [technical] rod.  (haha!) 

Do I have a favorite? I don't know - I've slept since Thursday!  I suppose that means I'll need another assessment.

Note: I'll add links later when I have access to my computer...I'm attempting to post this from my iPhone so not sure if it'll work!

Edit: I've added the links and I'd like to thank Cane-iac for their effort in getting my order to me as quickly as they did!