RIP TF, III

My fiancé’s dad passed away from injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident last Saturday.  He was on vacation heading to California.  He made it about halfway before the unthinkable happened.  The news media says he failed to negotiate a turn, yet the crash report doesn't even mention a turn other than it occurred near the exit.  From what I can only guess right now, he should have been about ready to take an exit to fill up, so it is possible he was in the turn on the exit ramp (which the damn report should have said). We are going to the funeral tomorrow.  After the funeral, I plan on making phone calls to get the secondary report which is supposed to include a diagram of the scene and I also want to see the autopsy report.  Most of us are still in a state of disbelief and want to know what happened.  He has been riding for 50 years...so it's hard to believe that he simply made a mistake.

We are all in various stages of grieving.  I'm fine one minute, extremely sad and filled with regret the next, and then I'll deal with flashes of anger.

The regret is for things we didn't have time to say, for things we won't be able to say from now on, and for just not having more time with him. He welcomed me into the family and never made me feel left out or overlooked.  He appreciated me for me.

The anger...anger at who?  No one in particular.  Angry at the crash report for stating the accident was in the eastbound lane when he was travelling west...not to mention the news media is reporting westbound lane.  Angry that we can't find a Will - people who matter are not fighting at all...it's the people who don't matter who think they are entitled to something.  Angry that we had to cremate him before we could say goodbye - do I want to look at the body? No, but sometimes that's how one can get closure.

He was at our house just last Tuesday, smiling and laughing.  He had all his teeth removed in December and just got his new teeth in Thursday.  He left in high spirits to go see one of his other sons and to meet up with a brother he hadn't seen in 28 years.

He sent a text to us at 2:13pm last Friday.  It said, "And we're off."  He also attached a photo of a motorcycle bear that I gave him last year, so "we" meant him and the bear.

I replied, "Cool! Have a safe trip!"

I didn't say, "We love you," because I didn't think about it.  My last words seem hollow to me because it was a hurried reply while I was picking up his grandsons from school.  I'm upset that I didn't say more.  It just never occurred to me that we might not see him again.

I posted the following on Facebook.

To my second dad, TF III (June 30, 1958 - September 20, 2014),

I've only known you a couple of years, Dad, but you made me feel loved, appreciated, and like I was a member of the family. You were at our home, TF IV's and mine, many times. The fatherly advice was always appreciated but more importantly the open arms, hugs, genuine respect, and encouragement you gave us will be carried in our hearts forever. We will miss waiting on a text or a call that says, "I'm on my way."

You told me many times, "Thanks for loving my son and being there for him!" and "Take care of my baby boy!" Please know that I am. You made our lives better because you were always there! Rest well and may you continue to watch over us and guide us. We will always need you!

We will always love and miss you!

Being Open

After reading my reflection comments at the end of my last post, my fiancé decided to pay special attention to me and my derrière during the nights of our weekend.  He and I have been in previous relationships and we both know where things end up when one side goes too long with feeling unfulfilled or unsatisfied.  He was glad that I was able to recognize what I was feeling and voiced it, but he was still hurt that I started to feel that way especially since it was very unintentional on his part.  I felt proud of myself for not keeping it in (given my past experience with my lack of open communication) yet at the same time guilty for bringing it up because I knew how it would make him feel. 

On Friday night, we talked about it a lot while I was spending time over his knee lovingly receiving the same paddle that I couldn't handle the previous night. I told him the feelings of unfulfillment only started occurring recently and that I really do understand that we can't be all in it every night.  We also talked about what had actually happened during and after the previous paddling.  I hadn't realized it at the time, but he explained to me that he was more than willing to continue the scene by slowing down and reducing strength.  Instead, it was really because of my sense of feeling rushed that we stopped and moved on to sex.  I did it because I thought he wanted to go relax and he did it because he thought I really wanted to stop.  That's when I asked him, "If you were okay with continuing, then why didn't you just take control?" 

He paused, and then replied with, "I guess I honestly thought you were ready to stop and didn't want to keep going.  You were also right - I was tired and ready to relax.  I didn't really feel like playing, but that doesn't mean I won't try to do it for you anyway." 

I said, "Yes, but the problem was that I could tell you didn't want to and I don't want you to do something that you don't want to do.  I mean a couple of weeks ago you were already in bed when I asked you to spank me.  You rolled out of bed and delivered very well with the cane.  It was amazing and aside from me knowing that you were tired, I couldn't tell that you didn't want to do it.  But, last night, I could tell with every swat that you weren't into it.  The words were all there but the delivery just wasn't the same." 

He said that he undertsood and apologized.  Then, he proceeded to give me a mix of the paddle and the shorter cane.  We talked and joked a bit more as he decided whether or not I was being sassy.  I'm glad he decided on sassy!  He pulled my pants down and my panties up to expose my cheeks. He continued with the paddle and even some with his hand.  I was already pretty excited when he started to let his fingers wander lower while he was rubbing the punished area.  It certainly wasn't long before I was well ready to be taken.  He stopped spanking and got undressed before entering me from behind.  He paused while we both enjoyed the suddeness of our coupling.  Then, we let our primal instincts take over and he roughly reminded me that I am his to love, his to take, and his to cherish.  He is my man and I am his woman.

What's this? Three posts in one week?!

Yesterday afternoon, my fiancé read my post from earlier in the day and decided he would do something about it.  So when we put the kids to bed and were waiting for them to settle down, my fiancé turns to me and says, "Go get the paddle."

I looked at him and said, "It's too loud for right here [in the living room] and they're still awake."  

With "the look" he replied, "I told you to go get the paddle."  So, I hopped off of the couch and went to retrieve the implement.  He took it from me and followed me into the game room where he promptly bent me over with my hands on the cushion of the loveseat.  With paddle in hand, he said, "Next time I tell you to do something. (Spank) You will do it. (spank) Without question! (Spank)"  Ouch, damn that thing hurts! He implied this was just a preview as the boys still weren't quite asleep yet. So, we went back into the living room and he slid the paddle onto the shelf of the coffee table, then we started watching a movie.  The boys got up a few times which happens every night after we put them to bed before they finally start drifting off to sleep.  I was getting anxious and couldn't focus on the movie to save my life, so he leaned over and said, "Go get the condom and lube."

"Here? Now?"  Huh? When did I start making excuses?!

"Are you going to argue again?" 

I quickly got off the couch and grabbed the items.  He waited for a few more minutes to be sure we wouldn't be interupted, then he grabbed everything, including the paddle, and we returned to the game room with him telling me that I had been naughty.  I returned to my previous position this time with my pj pants and panties around my knees.

Smack!  Wait, no warm up?! Smack! Ow!  Smack! Damn, these feel harder.  Smack! Please not in the same spot! Smack! Ouch! Smack, smack! Fuck!

He paused, "Is it too much?"

"Yes," I whispered.  A little sad that I couldn't take anymore with the paddle.

We decided to move on to other things instead.  He slid in behind me on the loveseat and I pushed back to meet him.  With a little bit of lube, I easily accepted him.  Then, he took over and set an excitingly fast pace.  Oh, it felt good to be able to moan and mumble aloud without being worried about waking up the kids.

When we finished, we cleaned up and continued the movie for a little while before heading off to bed.

Reflections:  I guess after not being able to handle much of last night's spanking I realized something...because we have to wait until the kids are asleep and we are generally more worn out lately, we tend to try to rush the spanking so that it feels more like a tease or like "hurry up and get it over with" so we can have sex and/or sleep.  Unfortunately, this way of doing it just isn't as fulfilling.  I do understand why it's happening, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  However, I love him and I am still extremely greatful for what he can and does give me and for what he has also given up [since the boys arrived]. :-)

Trip to the Game Room (Our Woodshed)

Before our nephews came to live with us, my fiancé closed in our carport.  It is eventually going to be our game room but as of right now it is still unfinished because life got busy.  Unfortunately while we were cleaning out the rest of the house to get ready for relatives, we started using it for extra storage.  Well, a couple of weeks ago, he decided to get in there and start moving stuff to the actual storage buildings.  Now we have a loveseat to sit on and a decent amount of room to move around in there. 

So, sometime last week after we put the boys to bed, he had me go get the paddle and we met in our future game room.  We grabbed the baby monitor to keep an eye on the boys and closed the exterior door that leads to our game room.  Because of all the two brick walls and the exterior door that leads to the house, you really can't hear anything from inside the house.  From the driveway on the other hand, you can probably make out the crack of the paddle but that's when we can just turn on the stereo and since I don't scream it shouldn't be that big of a deal. 

He had me bend over the armrest of the loveseat so that I had a view of the concrete floor.  He rested the paddle on the seat of my jeans and gently patted.  Then he pulled back and the first swat landed.  It wasn't too hard, but it did surprise me.  He continued to paddle me with varying degrees of power while I gasped and wiggled.  We hadn't used the paddle in what felt like forever so I was definitely feeling it.  Soon he paused to undo my jeans and pulled them down along with my panties.  It had been a while since I had felt the smooth wood on my bare bottom. Crack! Ouch!  Oh, how I missed this.  He couldn't keep it up for much longer because we still had to take showers and get some sleep, so he wrapped it up with a few well-placed hard swats and sent me to the shower with a nicely reddened backside. 

It's been about a week since that spanking (not that our canes haven't seen some use), but I think I'm due for another trip to the game room!  I'm not complaining about the quiet canes because they are definitely useful in the bedroom, but sometimes I want the louder implements like his hand, the leather, and/or the wood!

Don't Quit

That's what my fiancé told me a couple of days ago in reference to blogging.  I wasn't really planning on quitting, but with everything going on, I know I have backed off a lot on reading, commenting, and posting.  It's not that I don't want to comment...I just can't think of anything to say within the limited time I have.  I'm also not really sure what to write about anymore.  Work takes up 8 hours, kids take up the next 8 hours, and then we take showers and finally have us time.  But, that time only ends up being about 30 mins which includes foreplay (spanking), making love, and cleaning up afterward.  Then we sleep.  Using that as an outline and reviewing the last couple of updates, a post will consist of 0-33.3% about work, 33.3-66.7%% about kids, and 2% about spanking and/or sex.  That leaves the remaining 31.3% for showers and sleep.  As you can see, that doesn't bode well for a spanking-related blog. 

But then, I remember that I had kept a blog before that had nothing to do with spanking.  It was more of a public journal and my closest friends would read and comment very regularly, so even when we were across the country, we could easily keep in contact.  Eventually, I quit posting because life got busy and we all had gone our separate ways.  
Now that my time online has dwindled, I feel disconnected and the feeling remains even when I have a chance to catch up a little which is why my commenting has decreased.  From my StatCounter, I can see that I still have a few people who visit my page almost every day and it makes me feel a little better to know I wouldn't just disappear and no one would notice. 

I don't plan on quitting, but I can't promise that I will have many spanking-filled stories to share for the time being.  Spanking is thankfully still very much present most nights even though it usually happens pretty fast.  The love of my life knows that I need the stress relief and the reconnection it provides to help me feel loved and stay grounded.  I even sleep better on nights that include a spanking because it forces me to focus on the here and now rather than on yesterday's problems, today's worries, or tomorrow's suprises.  My mind is blissfully quiet and I can then fall into an easy sleep. 

I'd really like to take a moment to thank everyone who has stuck with my fiancé and me over the last few months. You are my support group and believe me I need you. I'd also like to thank any new readers for stopping by!

Interesting Weekend

Before we got the kids, we had planned on attending a family get-together a couple of states away.  Since picking up the kids, we had decided we really couldn't afford to go on the trip and I was pretty concerned about handling an eight hour trip there and back with two rambunctious boys.  Sometime last week we got a phone call saying that a couple of my fiancé's family members were willing to put up money for gas and food if we would still be willing to go.  After an evening of talking and me expressing my concerns and worries, we decided to pack everyone up and head out Friday around 5:30PM. 

We didn't even make it to the interstate before the younger one threw up.  We went back home, changed his clothes, and changed out the car seat.  At around 6PM, we were ready to leave again. 

We took the kids to visit some of the relatives along the way who could not attend the get-together which took up about 2.5 hours. Then, we continued on for about 1.5 hours to meet up with their grandfather (my fiancé's dad). 

We met him at a gas station where he filled up the vehicles and we started to caravan.  We were on the interstate no more than 10 miles when our SUV's engine overheat warning light came on - the water pump was leaking. So we had to pull over, get water to cool the engine, and head to a friend's house to borrow a vehicle.  We parked the SUV, transfered our luggage, and quickly left at 11:30PM to continue on to our destination.  We finally arrived around 5:30AM.  What should have been an eight hour drive ended up being a twelve hour roadtrip. 

Thankfully, we all made it just fine albeit exhausted.  We took naps and then caught up with the relatives.  We had a BBQ for dinner and then put the boys down to sleep.  The rest of us talked and had a good time until my fiancé's step-mom had a seizure.  She's had them before but this is the first time that my fiancé  and his sister witnessed it and had to help hold her down so she wouldn't hurt herself.  When she came out of the seizure, she was able to calm down and sleep the rest of the night.  Everyone else kept an eye on her and we continued to catch up with the family.  I was able to talk and bond a little with my future sister-in-law.  Everyone is very supportive with our decision to step up and help raise the boys and we all hope for the best for their parents to sort things out and get back on their feet.
 

We left the next morning to get back home before dark.  We picked up our SUV on the way and brought a lot of water with us.  We had to stop twice to add it which used up everything we had before we finally made it home.  Needless to say, we were glad to be home!  We did have a lot of fun getting to see everyone and the boys had a blast, so even though the trip was crazy it was still well worth it! 

My fiancé helped relieve some of the stress the night we arrrived home with a little help of a cane, and Monday night, he was daring enough to make use of the paddle which was amazing.  Last night, I asked him to spank me with the cane again because I needed longer and harder with a more quiet implement, so he stepped up to the plate and let me have it!  Nothing like a sound spanking and really hot sex to relieve stress!