What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?

I don’t mean when someone else has called you out or is making you feel that way. I’m talking about feeling embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed before you even open your mouth. I went into last weekend thinking that I was probably going to breakdown and cry at some point. I was feeling emotional (PMS) and felt like I just needed to cry. Well, we went to drop off my step-daughter and had a pretty good weekend which means I never actually had the opportunity or catalyst to cry. We are by ourselves again, so we’ve been taking advantage of the alone time by getting in some fun spankings and making love. We’ve also been taking turns playing a video game which has also been fun, but for some reason I’ve been feeling pretty bummed out since yesterday.


The birth control pill I take usually has me wanting sex more often than normal during the week after my period. That has been me this week. For some reason the combination of wanting more sex and still feeling like I need to cry has me thinking about spanking, or rather being spanked, a lot right now. In recent weeks, I have unconsciously backed off of reading blogs and stories as often as I was because we’ve been busy. We helped Tom’s brother move, we had his daughter with us, and I’ve had to change my hours at work to something more normal (was 6am-2pm and I ate while working, now it’s 7am-4pm with an hour for lunch). I’m still trying to get used to the new routine which is proving a little difficult as it is a change. Also, my attention span or concentration ability isn’t what it used to be especially during the last hour of the work day.

Anyway, you may be wondering how any of this relates to my original topic in the header, “What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?” It seems with my sudden increase in thinking about spanking, I am also feeling all those things that we tell each other not to feel. I feel embarrassed to talk about being spanked because I don’t know how to explain it. I feel guilty because on top of everything else on Tom’s plate, I want him to take me over his knee if I do or don’t do certain things. I feel ashamed because I’m a damned adult and shouldn’t want to be spanked in the first place.

It’s funny. I thought I had accepted myself. I was even beginning feel like I didn’t need spankings at all. It’s just so frustrating when you can’t explain what you are feeling and why you feel that way. I also don’t want Tom to feel like I’m complaining and that what he is doing isn’t good enough because he loves me and is stepping out of his comfort zone to spank me. I am definitely grateful for what he does and the effort he puts into trying something different for me. And, I don’t blame him when I feel out of whack. After all, I’m the one with the odd kink, not him. Even I think I’m crazy for wanting to be spanked sometimes. (sigh)

Randomness

This is from a post I started on June 26th but never got around to finishing...

The last five days have been pretty busy. Tom's brother and his family are in the process of moving back to the city because he got a job that starts this Thursday. The lights at their current place were turned off on Friday so everyone temporarily moved into our house again. We spent all weekend taking loads of stuff to a storage building close to where they will be. Today is their last day with us before we take one last load that way. Hopefully, they will be able to work things out for the better. Tom's daughter is probably going to spend a couple of nights with them. 

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We did end up getting Wednesday to Saturday alone. Tom and I went to a local festival and enjoyed browsing the different vendor tables. On Sunday, we spent time outside while I put together one of those swinging loveseat things and Tom put a temporary carport together that we will eventually reinforce, both of these are for my mom so she was pretty happy. This was actually a lot of fun for me because I like putting stuff together!

I have been so exhausted lately. I don't think I'm getting any less sleep, but I wake up tired. Maybe it's because we have been driving an hour away often in the last couple of weeks to help with the move and it's really starting to wear me down.

I've also taken to playing solitaire on my phone a lot. I used to spend my extra time browsing blogs, writing posts, or reading...now I seem to be sticking to a mindless game in my down time. I like it because it requires just enough thought that my mind feels occupied but not stressing about anything.

This coming weekend we are planning to go through half of my mom's storage shed. Apparently, the roof has been leaking and about 1/3 of the boxes have gotten soaked so I need to see what is salveagable and what needs to be tossed. I am hoping to have some fun going through it...it'll suck to throw things out, but maybe we'll find some cool stuff!

In other news, I think I seem to be going through a phase. I know I created this blog to share my life - my story, my experiences, my journey - and a lot my posts have revolved around spanking. My recent posts don't really talk about it much anymore and I feel I owe my readers a small explanation since many of you enjoy reading about it. It's not that I don't think about it or that I don't get spanked anymore. It's just not as high up on my priority list at the moment. I definitely still think about it and I have definitely had some feel-good spanking sessions followed by some really hot, mind-blowing sex with the love of my life.

I think I'd like to start exercising. The last time I exercised consistently was while I was in college taking a karate course. Now, four years later, I am about 40 pounds over what I'd like to weigh. I'm just not sure how to make it routine...and I would like to do it with Tom. I don't like running, but I do or used to enjoy walking, skating, biking, and swimming. This sitting behind a desk all day sucks. I don't have my bike or skates anymore and swimming is $140/month. I think because I can't decide what I want to do, I end not doing anything at all which is horribly circular thinking. And, these 95-105 degree days are not helping my motivation any. (sigh) I would like for Tom to help motivate me...but I'm not really sure how exactly I want him to do that. LOL.

And this concludes my post of randomness.