Outer You vs Inner You: Who are you?

Everyone experiences change from time to time. We grow, we age, and we learn. We try something new. We move to a new place. We get a new job. We go back to school. We meet new people. We fall in love. We have our hearts broken. We lose someone we love. We fall down, and we get back up. We try again. We adapt. We gain experience and find out more about ourselves. Some things may never change, while other things evolve with time.

Think about who you were when you were in high school.

I moved across the state between my 9th and 10th grade years. I went from a class size of roughly 300-400 students to around 1,200 students. I was terrified. I was leaving my friends and having to start over in a new town at a new school. What helped with this transition was band. I played the clarinet. During my years with the high school band, we had kids from all walks of life. We weren’t made up of just one group, but every group. I’ve always been pretty reserved and quiet, but in band, I learned a lot about leadership, teamwork, and responsibility. I was the section leader and library staff manager in 11th grade, and then, I tried out and became the drum major (student conductor) for the marching band during my 12th grade year. I learned how to project confidence when giving commands, and I felt like I had a responsibility to be someone the students in my band could depend on. I was the first person on the field before our shows started, and I was the one the entire band looked to for direction.

Think about who you were in college.

I continued band in college and was moved up to section leader after my first year. Again, we had students from all over campus from every type of degree program. I started working on my mechanical engineering degree and math minor. We focused a lot on teamwork and using new technology to solve problems. I decided to try my luck and applied for an internship at NASA. I was accepted and had one of the best summer experiences ever. In fact, I had so much fun that I went back three more times. Twice as a research associate and then I was promoted to Operations Manager for the last two summers. I took several honors classes throughout college and graduated with a 3.29/4.0.

Think about who you were during your early career.

I immediately got a job as a mechanical engineer quoting, designing, and fabricating steel tanks and pressure vessels. Over seven years, I went from mechanical engineer to project engineer to project manager to lead engineering business analyst. I implemented the accounting software which I knew inside and out. I even had to do all accounting manager responsibilities for six months before the company transitioned to a new owner.

Think about who you are now.

Now, I work in project financials. I’ve been with this company for just over a year. I’ve been trying to bring new ideas to the table and implement improvements on all of our current processes. I had an excellent one year evaluation which led to a promotion and a raise.

What have we not talked about? I’ve told you about who the outside world sees. This is the person you would meet at a conference or out in public.

Okay, so who are you when you can relax and be you?

Well, the previous posts on this blog take you through a lot of my intimate experiences with sex and spanking. Tom was the first person who tried to understand what I was yearning for. To his credit, he read every blog entry before I gave up blogging. He also read a private journal where I endeavored to be as open as possible with him. For a couple of years, he tried. And then, he didn’t.

For the time when he was trying, I discovered a part of me that I didn’t know existed. I wasn’t just this confident, strong, responsible, and independent young woman who could solve problems. I was also someone who needed a break from the stress of being the one who was always depended on. I needed someone else to take over for a while. I needed to know someone cared about me. I needed to be held. needed to be able to let go.

When Tom’s dad passed away, I started losing him. I stepped up and went above and beyond because that’s who I am. I am a fixer. I am a giver. I am dependable and loyal. I was more than capable of handling whatever life threw at us because I had to be. I could get us through this. I just had to be strong enough, caring enough, loving enough, and want it enough.

As it got harder and Tom gradually pulled away from me, I pulled away from who I was and what I wanted. I stopped blogging, stopped keeping up with others, and wasn’t even available for my friends anymore. My entire world revolved around Tom, his addiction, and the daily shit he put me through. After I finally couldn’t take it anymore, I told him, “It’s me or all of this (referring to his drug use and the house his drug addict friends were in - he was at another addict's house in the middle of a work night in my damn car that I needed to get to work in the morning).” He chose, “All of this.” “You need to move out.” (He didn’t make it back home in time to take me to work the next morning. I ended up having to call my dad, so I could be fucking responsible and go to work.)

In August of last year, I wrote something that I considered posting here. But, I was not ready. Instead, I shared it with a dear friend who encouraged me to also share it with my therapist. I’m choosing to bring it up now because I know I am not the only one who has felt this way. In fact, I still struggle with it every day.

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I am the person who has done everything my résumé says I’ve done, but what I can’t seem to reconcile is how is that the same person who wrote the following.

“Outer You vs Inner You”

Are the versions of you drastically different? Do you act differently? Do you hide behind a façade?

The versions of me are very different. I do act differently depending on the situation, and I do hide behind a much more outwardly acceptable personality.

At work, by some miracle, I’ve been able to hide what’s going on inside. Instead, I appear confident, ask questions, present ideas, work well by myself and with others, and strive to change things for the better for everyone. Before a meeting where I know I have to speak, I’ll get nervous, but I push through and am not afraid to throw out ideas. I am very mindful of others and how they do their jobs, and I do everything I can to make all of our work days a little easier.

When I’m around family and friends, they know I have some self-confidence issues. However, other than that being all in my head, I am a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need to rely on anyone. I own my house, I am about to buy a new vehicle, and I have a decent job where I am making more than paycheck to paycheck.

Underneath the Wonder Woman façade, I feel everything. I am free, lost, relieved, sad, excited, hurt, broken, happy, angry, and frustrated. I am dealing with imposter syndrome. I am dealing with a break up after years of living together. I am excited by new possibilities, but I am afraid of rejection. I am vulnerable and full of insecurities. I am hopeful yet still struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know it is no one else’s responsibility to help me. I know only I can learn to cope and walk this road. I know it takes time. But, knowing all of that just makes me feel so much more alone. I feel guilty for reaching out to people who understand - I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I don’t want to sound like a broken record - same shit, different day. I don’t want to bring someone else down because I feel like hell. I feel stupid for even talking about what I’m going through because I feel like it really is no big deal especially when I know other people are going through so much worse than my little first world problems. Also, I’m confused because what I feel doesn’t align with how I think I should feel or how I think I should handle how I feel. If I remove myself from the situation, I could tell you exactly what’s wrong, what to try, and how to start working through it. So, what’s the problem?

Avoidant behavior. I am acting like nothing has happened. I do things to prevent myself from thinking too much, and I spend time with people who I do trust but not enough to completely let go around. I am ignoring the desperate need to breakdown and let go. Why? Because it’s easier than dealing with everything. I don’t want to fall apart alone because I miss being held and comforted, which only emphasizes the loneliness and spirals me down even further.

But, you know what? Life goes on and stops for no one. So, if I don’t have time for this - for me feeling sorry for myself, how can I expect anyone else to have time for it - for me.

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Who are you today?

I'm not sure. Would you believe things got worse in the time since writing that. I feel like I’ve lost so much self-confidence and self-acceptance that I find it incredibly difficult to trust myself. I have fallen into periods of being depressed and painfully numb. I’ve gone through many anxiety and panic attacks. I still haven’t been able to really focus consistently at work, and I feel like I’m barely doing the minimum to get by. I hit a point where I felt like I lost everything about me. I haven’t even been able to cry in months, and I want so desperately to experience what’s in my pinned tweet with someone I can really trust - “What I wouldn’t give for a wall-breaking spanking, the cathartic release kind of crying, and some “it’s okay - I’ve got you” aftercare, followed by some restful sleep...”

Last week was the first time in a long time where I felt a little hope in the darkness. I held on to that hope and wrote my first blog entry in four years. It’s time to start sharing my story, to try new things, and to continue recovering.

I want to take a moment to thank many of you for the encouragement you have given me since I took these small steps both here and on Twitter. Your support and kindness mean so much to me. ❤️

Browsing through old files...

I’ve been browsing through old photos and notes on my iPhone recently. I have photos dating back to 2011 and notes back to 2013. I thought that maybe it was time to start deleting and/or archiving things - things I didn’t want to accidentally come across that would remind me of my ex.

I guess now is as good a time as any to inform my returning readers that Tom and I broke up on May 8, 2019 after being together since February 27, 2013. A glimpse of some happier days from our time together is captured in the posts on this blog from 2014-2016. You are welcome to revisit or browse through the archive. You might be asking why I don’t just download and delete these old reminders of the past. Well, I guess that’s because the posts do hold a lot of good memories and feelings that I don’t want to forget. In addition to real experiences, I also have a fair amount of stories and scenarios that I wished could have happened. I think I owe it to myself to remember what I wanted then and what I still might want now.

Anyway, on a much lighter note, I wanted to share something I came across that actually has nothing to do with me, except for the part where I saved this particular blog post in my Notes app. It was posted back in 2015. I honestly didn’t remember saving this at all, until I went back and read it. And, wow, I definitely remembered why I saved it! This post has one of my favorite stories in it! So, now, I absolutely must give a shout-out to my wonderful friend Erica and encourage all of you to take a break and go read this. Erica Scott’s “Just Ask Me”

Four Years

It’s been four long years since I last posted anything here. I am truly sorry that I pulled away from this part of my life. I stopped blogging, I stopped reading, and I stopped engaging. I’ve been wondering if any of the links that once brought you here are even still available. I cannot promise that I am back with any consistency. I cannot promise that what I do post will always be on that specific topic that connects all of us together in this online community. My self-confidence is in slow recovery mode, and I just don’t know if I’m really ready to be back. 

So, what am I doing? Nervously peeking through the crack in the door to see if anyone is still here after all this time. 

Why now? I’ve thought about coming back many times, but ultimately anxiety would get the better of me. The desire to reach out was in constant battle with the fear of rejection. Home life became emotionally and psychologically unmanageable, unbearable, and all-consuming. I have been using what little willpower I could muster to continue being responsible by going to work every day. I have been going through most of my days fully dependent on autopilot. I think, I hope that I am finally strong enough to try to do more and to try to find me again. 

What happened? To quote what I told a friend back in October after helping her through a particularly rough day, “One of these days, I’ll catch you up on my end. It’ll be a hell of a story.” I have not decided how much I should really share on such a public space. I have a feeling I will inevitably share some things because I am still broken, but I am also healing. Perhaps, by sharing some of my personal experiences, there is a possibility that I will help others. Maybe we can help each other move forward together. 

So, for those of you who have been here before, I truly thank you for returning. For those of you who are new, I thank you for stopping by and hope to see you again.

As always, I’d love to hear from you in the comments, on Twitter, or through email.

It's certainly been a while.

Wow...it's been three months since my last post. I guess I sort of ended up taking a break from blogging. I even dropped off from lurking for a while too. I'm not sure if I'm ready to be back yet, but I decided to take the first step and post something again.

I feel like I've been pretty busy at work lately. They are reorganizing and giving some people new titles. I am now a Project Engineer and Mechanical Engineer...fancy title I suppose. On December 1st, I will have been with the company for four years...and I still don't have any confidence in my abilities, nor do I have the desire to go above and beyond. I do feel that I have at least gotten better in the last few weeks and the days don't seem as long anymore.

At home, we have set a goal. We are working on cleaning our house up in time for Thanksgiving. One of my best friends has a birthday at the end of the month, so I'm planning a day for the four of us (her boyfriend and Tom included). I think we'll go see the final Hunger Games movie on the 22nd of Nov. and then come home for dinner. Then, we can play cards or darts. Tom and I haven't played darts in forever. During the summer, it is too hot in the game room and I don't want to cut on the little portable AC because I want to save money...not to mention, we need to clean out the room so we can actually move in there. We have already cleaned what used to be the boys' room and his daughter's room. I started on our room a few days ago, so we are definitely making progress.

Because of the events from earlier this year (written about on this blog), we are still dealing with legal proceedings. These things always put a damper on my mood when they come around. It is a scary unknown...something that can still affect our future. I know we will be dealing with it for some time to come but it doesn't make it any easier or less scary.

Tom and I are still working on us. Some times I still feel that he chooses other people over us...over me. I've even felt like I've been replaced by guy friends. He tells me that isn't true. I guess a lot of it is that I'm still dealing with feelings from what happened before. It's not easy to turn back time and take it all away. He is also still dealing with his feelings and so he and I will both react poorly to situations. It is tough – I can't deny that. But, we are moving forward together.

In other news, I haven't been spanked in a while. It's not his fault. It's actually all my fault. I'm usually too tired when it comes down to it. Even now, my eyes are slowly closing as I type this and the time change hasn't made me want to stay awake either. Today, I was really missing it...but I don't want any expectations from it. I'm not sure what I want. ...maybe just a good, progressive spanking and that's it. ...maybe have sex or not...maybe talk or not...maybe cry or not. I don't know if I'd even be very interactive, and right now, I'm just really sleepy. I want it...but I think it'll be too much effort. I also don't want to feel bad for not reacting like I usually do. I just want to be...if that makes any sense at all. (sigh)

Kayaker Parking Only

The weekend before last, Tom and I decided to spend some time with Tom's step-family. We drove for about 3.5 hours to meet up with his step-sister and step-mom to camp for the night near a river. We paid for a site at a nearby campground with a bathroom – that's the only thing I can't seem to give up, LOL. While they started cooking hamburgers, sausages, and vegetables over the campfire, we walked along the river's edge and then came back. Dinner turned out great and we ended up eating way too much. Tom started to get tired, so we headed off to our campsite to pitch our tent and set up the cots. That night wasn't too bad, but neither of us liked sleeping on separate cots so next time we will have to find our air bed.

We woke up before my alarm and started packing up so we could meet the others for breakfast at their site. Then, we met up with Tom's step-brothers to rent kayaks and set out on the river. I had only ever been white water rafting before, so I was nervous at first because I know I wouldn't want to take a kayak into white water rapids but Tom told me we would be fine. He even let me rent a tandem kayak so I wouldn't be afraid. He was definitely right – we had a calm float down the river. We stopped a few times to get out and swim. We even tipped over once and almost got knocked out by a tree that had recently fallen...or rather I would have been knocked out and he probably would have been fine. :-P My poor guy did end up losing his hat and his sun glasses when we fell out, though. The kayaking company picked us up at some point down river and took us back to our cars where we all said farewell and headed back home.

This small outdoor adventure went really well. I made sure to use a lot of sunscreen and bug spray so I didn't get burned or eaten alive. The only downside was that we saw a ton of spiders, but luckily they left us alone.

Kayaking was a lot of fun, but it actually made me miss white water rafting. I think next time Tom's step-sister and I will plan that kind of trip for next time!

OH, I almost forgot! When we parked to rent the kayaks, we saw a sign that looked a lot like this.

  
LOL, and you all thought it was a completely kink-free weekend. :-)

What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?

I don’t mean when someone else has called you out or is making you feel that way. I’m talking about feeling embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed before you even open your mouth. I went into last weekend thinking that I was probably going to breakdown and cry at some point. I was feeling emotional (PMS) and felt like I just needed to cry. Well, we went to drop off my step-daughter and had a pretty good weekend which means I never actually had the opportunity or catalyst to cry. We are by ourselves again, so we’ve been taking advantage of the alone time by getting in some fun spankings and making love. We’ve also been taking turns playing a video game which has also been fun, but for some reason I’ve been feeling pretty bummed out since yesterday.


The birth control pill I take usually has me wanting sex more often than normal during the week after my period. That has been me this week. For some reason the combination of wanting more sex and still feeling like I need to cry has me thinking about spanking, or rather being spanked, a lot right now. In recent weeks, I have unconsciously backed off of reading blogs and stories as often as I was because we’ve been busy. We helped Tom’s brother move, we had his daughter with us, and I’ve had to change my hours at work to something more normal (was 6am-2pm and I ate while working, now it’s 7am-4pm with an hour for lunch). I’m still trying to get used to the new routine which is proving a little difficult as it is a change. Also, my attention span or concentration ability isn’t what it used to be especially during the last hour of the work day.

Anyway, you may be wondering how any of this relates to my original topic in the header, “What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?” It seems with my sudden increase in thinking about spanking, I am also feeling all those things that we tell each other not to feel. I feel embarrassed to talk about being spanked because I don’t know how to explain it. I feel guilty because on top of everything else on Tom’s plate, I want him to take me over his knee if I do or don’t do certain things. I feel ashamed because I’m a damned adult and shouldn’t want to be spanked in the first place.

It’s funny. I thought I had accepted myself. I was even beginning feel like I didn’t need spankings at all. It’s just so frustrating when you can’t explain what you are feeling and why you feel that way. I also don’t want Tom to feel like I’m complaining and that what he is doing isn’t good enough because he loves me and is stepping out of his comfort zone to spank me. I am definitely grateful for what he does and the effort he puts into trying something different for me. And, I don’t blame him when I feel out of whack. After all, I’m the one with the odd kink, not him. Even I think I’m crazy for wanting to be spanked sometimes. (sigh)

Randomness

This is from a post I started on June 26th but never got around to finishing...

The last five days have been pretty busy. Tom's brother and his family are in the process of moving back to the city because he got a job that starts this Thursday. The lights at their current place were turned off on Friday so everyone temporarily moved into our house again. We spent all weekend taking loads of stuff to a storage building close to where they will be. Today is their last day with us before we take one last load that way. Hopefully, they will be able to work things out for the better. Tom's daughter is probably going to spend a couple of nights with them. 

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We did end up getting Wednesday to Saturday alone. Tom and I went to a local festival and enjoyed browsing the different vendor tables. On Sunday, we spent time outside while I put together one of those swinging loveseat things and Tom put a temporary carport together that we will eventually reinforce, both of these are for my mom so she was pretty happy. This was actually a lot of fun for me because I like putting stuff together!

I have been so exhausted lately. I don't think I'm getting any less sleep, but I wake up tired. Maybe it's because we have been driving an hour away often in the last couple of weeks to help with the move and it's really starting to wear me down.

I've also taken to playing solitaire on my phone a lot. I used to spend my extra time browsing blogs, writing posts, or reading...now I seem to be sticking to a mindless game in my down time. I like it because it requires just enough thought that my mind feels occupied but not stressing about anything.

This coming weekend we are planning to go through half of my mom's storage shed. Apparently, the roof has been leaking and about 1/3 of the boxes have gotten soaked so I need to see what is salveagable and what needs to be tossed. I am hoping to have some fun going through it...it'll suck to throw things out, but maybe we'll find some cool stuff!

In other news, I think I seem to be going through a phase. I know I created this blog to share my life - my story, my experiences, my journey - and a lot my posts have revolved around spanking. My recent posts don't really talk about it much anymore and I feel I owe my readers a small explanation since many of you enjoy reading about it. It's not that I don't think about it or that I don't get spanked anymore. It's just not as high up on my priority list at the moment. I definitely still think about it and I have definitely had some feel-good spanking sessions followed by some really hot, mind-blowing sex with the love of my life.

I think I'd like to start exercising. The last time I exercised consistently was while I was in college taking a karate course. Now, four years later, I am about 40 pounds over what I'd like to weigh. I'm just not sure how to make it routine...and I would like to do it with Tom. I don't like running, but I do or used to enjoy walking, skating, biking, and swimming. This sitting behind a desk all day sucks. I don't have my bike or skates anymore and swimming is $140/month. I think because I can't decide what I want to do, I end not doing anything at all which is horribly circular thinking. And, these 95-105 degree days are not helping my motivation any. (sigh) I would like for Tom to help motivate me...but I'm not really sure how exactly I want him to do that. LOL.

And this concludes my post of randomness.

Still around...

Well, it's been a while. Let's see...we took a mini-vacation the weekend before last. We enjoyed visiting the other side of Tom's family - his step-mom, step-sister, and two step-brothers. It was good to catch up and relax. Tom and I were able to spend some time together on the long drive and wandering around a flea market.

My mom's birthday was last Saturday. I bought her a new sink faucet with a pull-out sprayer. I managed to completely uninstall the old one and install the new one with one trip to Lowe's and with a little guidance from Tom. I was pretty proud of myself and am happy to report that so far nothing is leaking! :-)

This weekend, we are going to pick up Tom's daughter for her summer visit. She will be here for a little over a month which will be her longest visit so far. We will need to plan a couple of trips to the movies and see what else there is to do around here that'll be fun for a sixteen year-old. We live in a small town, so we'll have to be creative.

I guess that about sums up the last three weeks.

What are you afraid of?

I am afraid...
that I was/am not enough.
that I have failed.
that I won't be able to help.

I am afraid...
of being lied to again.
of being hurt emotionally.
of losing him and not being able to do anything about it.

A few months ago, he told me I was being co-dependent. I'm sure we were arguing at the time, but he also told me I was being too needy, too clingy, and that I wanted too much. In hindsight, I think he was just trying to alleviate his guilt and make me feel bad. It definitely made me feel bad, but was what he said true? Sure, we all experience some minor co-dependent behaviors. I don't know anyone who doesn't feel good when they give someone a gift and the receiver lights up like it was best present ever. Also, in hindsight, I now understand what was going on outside of the argument. He was trying to juggle his time among his brother, getting high, and me. I had started to feel like he was choosing his brothers over me when that was only partially true. They were all busy trying not to feel the death of their father by getting high. In doing so, they spent lots of time together both day and night. There were many nights that I went to bed alone, even on nights when we had sex. He may or may not have joined me hours later. I don't think I ever thought that I was truly losing him, but I did feel like he was pulling away from me. Sex was beginning to feel like a moment of elation followed by a lonely crash. I missed him. I started to feel like the only time he was there emotionally was when we were having sex or when we were both crying because I finally broke down and tried to explain what I was feeling.

I think that on some level most of us experience co-dependent behaviors when we are trying to get to and are in a submissive mindset. The desire to please, attuned to what he wants, feeling self-conscious, and any guilty feelings if something goes awry. All of these feelings are normal. However, when I started feeling like I had moved down on the list of his priorities, when I started feeling like I was the only one taking care of the boys, when I found out he was lying to me, when I thought he no longer wanted to spend time with me, and when I believed what I said and felt no longer mattered,...then all of those co-dependent tendencies intensified.

Then came the feelings of helplessness, anger, fear, and hurt. My self-worth had taken a hit. I felt guilty that I had turned a blind eye towards the signs. I felt that my heart and trust had taken a major blow.

Even though I recognize the signs of co-dependency, I don't believe that I am truly co-dependent because I can function on my own, and when I am aware of what is going on I do not obsess about where he is or what he's doing. Yes, I do enjoy spending time with him and doing things together, but there are some things that I don't jump all into because they aren't my thing. For instance, he likes playing with audio speakers - I don't mind messing with them for a while but I tend to get bored with it so I'll do something else in the same room. A lot of the time when I do feel needy and clingy, it's because I don't want to lose him, and honestly what do you expect after what we've been through?

I know that what happened wasn't my fault, but I hate how powerless I feel. When I choose to let go of control when we play or have sex, it's because I feel safe, cared for, and I trust him. But feeling powerless when it comes to an addiction is absolutely terrifying. I hate feeling like I'm not enough, like I'm going to lose him. I hate watching him walk out of the door because I don't know if he's coming back and not because he doesn't want to come home, but because he won't be able to.

He has been sober for almost 7 weeks, and I am very proud of him. Even though drinking isn't the problem, he started going to AA meetings this week and it is helping him gain perspective and let's him remember he isn't alone in his addiction. I am considering attending an Al-anon meeting, but I'm afraid it'll be full of stories of abuse and people trying to let go and back off of their loved ones for their own safety or for tough love. My story isn't one of abuse and trying to get out. I want to stay and support him. I want him to see what he has right in front of him. I realize I have no control over what someone else does, but how do you deal with it when what he does affects you? Step back? Stop caring? Don't get upset? In my mind if I pull the focus from him, then all I am doing is learning to live without him. How does that help us?

Honestly, I believe that he won't do it again, and I know he feels terrible about what he did. In addition to the legal issues that are still looming, he also lost his job on March 24th. We mostly finished one of his side jobs but we are still waiting on payment - the guy owes us $2,400. His second side job has gone over the original estimated one week of work by two weeks due to rain and working by himself. He also reduced his quote because he was concerned he wouldn't get work, but when you do the math...that means he is making significantly less than minimum wage because of gas (job location is an hour out) and time lost. He has made some headway with things around the house - fixed lawnmower, fixed weedeater, built lean-to for dad, finished most of the siding work on a large shed, fixed leak in roof, etc. There are still things on the list that even I get overwhelmed thinking about it all. We have things that we can sell, but even they need to be fixed first - two vehicles and a camper.

Today, he went to quote a job and apply for a job. I definitely do not want him to get depressed or lose hope. I want him to get better, deal with the past, and learn how to cope. I am feeling the emotions of the past in triggered spurts, but I need to work on figuring out how to let it go and overcome the fear. It is hard when an action or a word reminds me or makes me question. He is doing very well at letting me know his plans for the day and calling me if things change or he is going to be late. Those simple things help alleviate so much stress, worry, and fear. I do trust him...but trusting without fear will have to come back in time. I hope you understand that I am not afraid of him nor am I afraid that he will do anything to purposely hurt me in any way. I am not afraid of relapse but I am afraid he will be taken from me because of a relapse.

Posting is so hard these days. I want to share what I'm feeling, because I need to get it out and not avoid my own emotions. I also hope that maybe others will have their own story to share even if it's anonymously.

I'm sorry this isn't a spanking related post. Erotic spankings definitely still occur and are thoroughly enjoyable, but this post is just about life and what's on my mind right now.

Please feel free to leave comments (anonymously or not) about your experiences with addictions, AA or Al-anon meetings, other group meetings, or just general support. Every little bit helps and maybe you'll even be helping someone else who wanders on to this post.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

For two weeks, I have been stuck. I haven't known what to say or do. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share what was going on, but I've needed support and didn't know how to ask for it. My trust had been broken. I'm not talking about an affair or abuse. I'm talking about how someone else's choice of a coping mechanism turned into an addiction, into poor decisions, into taking risks that were never worth the possibility of losing everything.

I am and have been broken, terrified, sad, lost, angry, upset, hurt...and yet still a glimmer of hope exists. Belief that trust can be rebuilt exists. Love beyond measure still exists.

On March 24th, I had the rug pulled out from under my feet. I knew something wasn't right and hadn't been right for a while. Things between us had been going downhill fast since his dad passed away back in September. I couldn't figure out why. We started arguing more. He was spending less time with the kids that we were taking care of, so I had to step up with the cleaning, homework, food, etc. He was spending less time with me and more time with his brothers when they were here. He would be up all night with them. When they weren't here, he started working more and stay up late by himself. We started arguing more...about the kids, the money, and his brothers.

I never could place my finger on it. I just knew it got worse when other people were here. I tried to talk about it and explain to him what I saw or what I thought was happening, but it was easy to make excuses. He hadn't talked to his brothers in thirteen years. Their dad had just died. We had kids who weren't ours to raise. They are family.

...but in the mean time, we didn't invite my family down from 150-200 feet away. Why? Because my parents are nosy and I didn't want them to notice that anything was wrong. I didn't want them to judge Tom and his family too harshly. But, they were starting to notice things from afar. They could look down from their home and see that lights were on all through the night. They could see that the brothers were up a lot and sleeping at odd hours. Despite what I said, they could tell Tom was pulling away from me just from the amount he worked or the amount of time it looked like they were all awake at night.

On the 24th, he got his rude awakening - his wake up call. Right now, I hope beyond hope that we can overcome the legal issues that have arisen, in whatever way they turn out. Against all odds, I see a silver lining through my tears. I finally see the man I fell in love with again - the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. All this time, I was lost, but so was he.

We both know this cannot be fixed overnight. It took the course of six months to get to where we are. Six months of being kept in the dark, of secrets, and of lies. It is going to take a lot to earn back trust. I was hurt because I thought he was getting tired of me. I felt guilty because I thought I was being selfish. I was angry because I thought he wasn't listening. I felt like he was just pushing me away and I couldn't figure out why I was losing him.

Now, I worry that this might happen again. I feel guilty because I feel I could have done more to notice the signs earlier or prevent it from occurring. I'm angry because I feel like he let this happen. I feel like he took a risk and could have lost everything. Was it worth it? Was it worth the pain that I know he could see in my eyes? Was it worth allowing me to believe it was me?

Among my turmoil of emotions, I also feel an odd sense of strength. I feel vindicated that I knew something was wrong but wasn't sure what and that I had been right in knowing his judgement had been altered. I knew that it couldn't all be me. I know that I am not a selfish person.

For some reason, I feel it is worth to note what I was thinking the moment I got the phone call that yanked the rug out from under me. Stupid things crossed my mind...like "but my birthday is next week and yours is two weeks later, but we just bought the wedding ring, but we're supposed to get married in December, but I just paid the bill, but we haven't even had a vacation alone together, but we are finally alone again in our house, but what if I want to have a baby," and it goes on...right down to the question of, "was it worth it?"

I do believe addiction is a disease, but I also believe that you have an initial choice that you are in control of and what you choose is entirely up to you. What are you willing to risk, and ultimately, is it worth it?

Despite all that has happened, I have also experienced periods of being wonderfully happy again in the last two weeks. We've worked together putting flooring down in a house. We went on a picnic. We've watched movies together. I've even been spanked a few times for fun.

I do not want you to judge Tom because I have not shared everything with you. You do not know about his past or all of the circumstances. I do know about his past and I can sympathize with the situation because hindsight is 20/20. That does not mean I agree with everything that has happened, and I am certainly feeling all kinds of emotions that I need to deal with. He absolutely needed the rude awakening. He is ashamed and has regret for what he has put us through...what he has put me through. He is human and he made a mistake that snowballed out of control. He realizes he should have been honest from the beginning and has agreed to certain rules that we must live by in order for me to begin trusting again. We have to help each other through this because neither of us is ready to throw in the towel and walk away.

 Pulled from Armani Soul's Facebook Page. 

We have a long and difficult road ahead of us and unfortunately it will probably be peppered with events where we cannot be sure of the outcome nor how it will affect our future, but...we will try to do everything we can to make the best of it.

Another year older...

  

I'm 27 today! :-)

Not many answers this week, but I do have questions...

Two weeks ago, I felt light-hearted and hopeful.

Last week, I felt the weight of the world.

I can't explain it, but it was definitely hard to get and stay out of bed. I want to say I feel a little lost...like I've wandered into a fog and have lost my sense of direction, not in a spiritual sense...more in an emotional sense.

This week, I don't have any answers yet, but I am cautiously optimistic. Also, I do have some questions for you, dear readers, and I hope you will take a moment to answer them either in a comment here or on your own blog. If you choose to write your own post, please leave a comment and let me know where to look.

1. What made you happy when you were younger?
2. What makes you happy now?
3. What do you think will make you happy in the future?
4. Do any of these answers change if you get married? If you have children?

You do not have to, but please respond with your age or the age range in which you fall...(18-30, 31-40, 41-50, 51-60, 60+). I would like to see how our answers vary with respect to where we are in age. I understand that maturity and experience can vary with the individual, but I wanted to see if there were any noticeable patterns.

I apologize in advance if you see this post multiple times, but I might bump it up a few times so I don't miss anyone who might like to participate.

Thank you!

Oh, I forgot to add that it's okay if you aren't sure what your answers are to these questions - I want to know that too.

Simple, yet Elegant

I was never one of those normal girls who spent most of her childhood dreaming of her wedding day. I definitely never spent any time browsing through wedding rings or looking through wedding dress catalogues. And now, that the time has come to start doing all those things I wasn't sure where to start, but I've decided that the easiest thing to do would be to try to tackle one thing at a time. So, the first thing to get mostly taken care of is the wedding ring set.

On Friday, we went to an in-store event at Kay Jewelers to browse their travelling Dana Augustine selection of settings. We brought my mother's wedding ring set because there was a good chance that if I found what I wanted, then the heart-shaped center diamond could be moved into a new setting and given back within a couple of hours of paying for the ring. The same sales ladies that were there last time came over to help us look for rings similar to the photos in my last post. Of course, there weren't any exactly like those, so I started to look for a ring that fell under my general requirements and go from there. 

I wanted simple yet elegant. Something with a smooth look and feel. I definitely did not want too many prongs to worry about snagging on things or getting knocked open...I am a mechanical engineer after all. Luckily, it didn't take long for me to find something that had the style I wanted, but there weren't any that had sapphires. The sales ladies then mentioned that maybe I should think about keeping the white diamond look for the main ring and using the alternating sapphires and white diamonds for the band. That way the main ring would always match whatever I was wearing whereas there is always a chance that a gemstone could clash with other jewelry and attire.

While I was looking at the setting, I decided they were probably right. I held the old ring next to the new ring to try to visualize what it would look like after we moved the center diamond over. I kept thinking that this was the one. The setting was even already in my size. The gemologist asked if she could pop out the heart and clean it up since I told her it had been in storage for about 20 years. She came back a couple of minutes later and all of us were amazed at how beautiful it was. Tom and I were both mesmerized by how it sparkled.

After about 1.5 hours of searching and talking, I finally decided that this was the setting I wanted. We paid for the ring and they told us it would be ready in two hours, so Tom and I went shopping at a few other stores while we waited.

At around 6:30 pm, we got a call that the ring was waiting for us. We returned to the store and the saleswoman handed me the box. I opened it and was simply amazed. I pulled it out of the box and tried it on. Tom said , "Wow, it looks amazing."

This picture focuses on the heart.

This one focuses more on the channel set diamonds.

And, this is just more at an angle.

I wish you all could see it in person. I love looking at it. It just sparkles. :-)

In the end, we decided that we will buy the secondary/wedding band that will alternate blue sapphires and white diamonds to complete the wedding set so that I can still have my favorite color whenever I want to wear it, but we are going to wait for a couple of months for when the Dana Augestine collection comes back around. I'm very happy and excited about all of it!

The Hunt for a Wedding Ring

We are going back to the jewelry store today for a diamond event to meet with someone who might be able to put together a wedding ring very quickly if they happen to have the pieces to what I'd like. I have a heart center diamond from my mom's wedding set, so I just need a setting and accents. Fingers crossed, this may go very smoothly and ridiculously fast...otherwise, it'll be the normal lengthy process.

While I was browsing the internet for ring ideas, I came across three designs that I really liked. The first one I found many years ago.

I like the white gold one. It has little holes cut out on the sides in the shape of hearts which I thought were really cute.

The second wedding set is really pretty.

I like the way it looks and it seems like it has a low profile and is sturdy. I definitely don't want something that'll catch on things or will break easily.

But the third one, I really fell in love with because it is more me.

My favorite color is blue, so I love the sapphires. It is simple yet elegant and I really like the smooth style. I only want to add a secondary band with a channel set that matches so that it looks more like a wedding set.

I'm definitely excited and really hope that I'll be lucky enough to find something today!

Something to work on...

We had a misunderstanding that spiraled into ridiculousness yesterday, but we did talk about how to avoid or at least talk it through next time. 

It all started because we each took something I said differently. He saw it his way and I saw it mine, but at the time neither of us was willing to even explore the possibility that we might have just misunderstood and that maybe what we saw wasn't really what the other person felt or saw. I know I'm being vague. 

Basically, I embarrassed myself by stumbling over my words because I was trying to think and talk at the same time. What came out of my mouth and my actions made him feel that I intentionally said something inappropriate. So then, Tom said something in jest that I thought was rather rude and it really confused me. Tom's brother was in the kitchen with us when this happened but walked outside after this brief exchange.

We stayed in the kitchen and started arguing without much regard for how the other was feeling. Eventually, we did end up in the bedroom and after a brief interruption (his brother came back inside with a question about a car stereo), we had both calmed down enough to say this is what I meant versus this is what I saw. We were also able to each see it from the other's point of view which allowed us to see where the other person was coming from in the thought process. 

Upon reflection, we discussed how we might be able to avoid the messy, hurtful part in between the misunderstanding and the calm disucssion. From now on, we will try to take the other's hand and walk to the bedroom to talk about it out of earshot of anyone who might be around and that way we can calmly work through the misunderstanding.

I also admitted to him that I have an unnecessary fear of speaking in public which includes anyone who is not in my very small circle of immediate family and friends. This does not mean that I failed technical presentations and royally suck at speaking in front of an audience. On the contrary, I actually do pretty well, but I am a nervous wreck beforehand. I worry about making a fool of myself and being embarrassed - which is exactly what happened when I attempted to switch gears while I was thinking and talking all at the same time. So, because people think I'm relatively intelligent, calm, collected, and confident, when I do accidentally stumble over my words and attempt to laugh it off, I sometimes come across as though I intentionally said something inappropriate. This is probably the number one reason why I am very quiet and reserved when someone first meets me. It takes a lot to make me feel comfortable enough to know that who I'm with will not make me feel any less if I embarrass myself. It's the same reason it takes me FOREVER to write a comment or an e-mail to someone. I worry about how someone will take what I say. I worry about spelling and grammar. In all, it can be damned stressful for me when it shouldn't be, but the end result - the speech, e-mail, post, or comment - usually comes out pretty well and I can be proud of what I said or wrote.

Anyway, the point is we did communicate and will hopefully do better when it comes to handling misunderstandings in the future. We live and we learn. :-)

Sometimes, all it takes is time together.

It rained and got really cold as the day progressed yesterday.  I was at work and as it continued to rain, I started thinking about after work.  With it being so wet, Tom won't work outside on building the storage shed, and since it is getting colder, it won't be likely that he'll want to freeze to death in his workshop.  That only means one thing - we get to spend the evening together! 

My work day ended on a good note, and I left to visit with Mom while I waited for Tom to get home from work.  When he called to say he was on his way, I headed home.  Tom walked in and I greeted him with a kiss.  He unloaded the vehicle and started to say that he wanted to go out to his workshop to load up his new tool bag that I had just bought him.  I pouted, "But it's too cold outside!" 

He thought for a moment, "Well, what do you want to do?" 

"I don't know. I thought since it was cold and rainy that you'd stay inside and we'd spend time together.  We've been too tired lately to do much together.  We could play darts, watch a movie, play cards...?" 

He smiled, "OK." I smiled in return, YAY! 

So, we decided to cook steak, fries, and beans for dinner.  While the steaks thawed in the sink, I put his wet work clothes in the wash and put away the dishes in the dishwasher. 

"The steaks are ready to season," Tom announced  after checking on them. 

"Does that mean you want me to season them or are you going to?" 

He said, "You are going to season them."  You know you must be doing something right when your man trusts you to season the meat! :-D 

After I was done with the meat, I went to the A/V Receiver and plugged in my phone.  I pulled up my playlist of music we used to listen to all the time and set it to shuffle.  Tom went out to get firewood and I started getting old bills ready to burn in the fireplace.  It didn't take long for it to catch - old bills, receipts, and spam snail-mail are good for something.  Then, we started dinner. 

He cooked the steaks and seasoned the beans on the stove.  I tossed the fries on a baking sheet and put them in the oven.  Then, I turned and started rinsing off the dirty dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. It felt so good to be working together in the kitchen again.  It's been so long. 

As the music continued to play in the background, we ate dinner and cleared off the table.  We pulled out a deck of cards and started playing Rummy. 

We talked and sang. We were not arguing. 

We hugged and kissed. We were enjoying each other's company. 

We laughed and cried. We were finding each other again. 

We made apple tarts for dessert and wandered off for showers.  I brought our music to the bedroom and we listened and talked as I gave the love of my life a full body massage.  I watched him relax and enjoy my touch. 

Eventually, we turned off the lights and I cuddled into him.  We drifted off to sleep feeling more relaxed, more together than we have in months. 

We didn't need to go out to dinner.  We didn't need some expensive entertainment.  We didn't even need spanking or sex. 

All we needed last night was time together.

Please feel free to skip this post. Nothing interesting today.

I've really been feeling down off and on lately, and it's got me constantly teetering on an emotional tightrope.  A joke can hurt my feelings and bring me to tears.  An influx in how something is said or a raised voice can make me breakdown.  I feel like I need more attention, more emotional involvement, more physical contact.  As a result of all this, I feel needy, yet oddly dettached. 

I've thought about distracting myself. There are many things that I like to do such as reading, playing video games, watching movies, getting spanked, and playing darts, but I've found that when it comes time to do any of those things I feel restlessly indecisive and so I'll change my mind, no longer wanting to do anything anymore. 

On Sunday, I actually felt very accomplished.  I got a lot done last week and over the weekend.  I fixed our desktop which had a corrupted user profile.  I backed up and updated my cellphone.  I backed up my laptop and moved some files off of it.  I went up to Mom's and cleaned up her bedroom and put up some things she wanted on her walls. 

Yesterday, I felt drained and down, so I ended up overreacting to a financial issue that isn't even a problem yet and probably won't be a problem at all.  It's just that it was something unexpected.  What I figured out later is that we just need to discuss the bills about once a week so that we are both up-to-date on what is due, when it is due, and how much we have to save/spend/loan out.  Money wasn't the problem...it was a minor failure to communicate on both sides. 

The rest of the evening went okay.  I watched the three year old for a few hours while the rest of them went shopping.  After they picked him up, I took a shower and got ready for bed.  Tom caressed me for a little while and then I fell asleep when he went looking for a midnight snack. 

Today, I'm still tired and don't feel very motivated but I need to go to a little basketball performance for my other nephew (the one I helped raise for five years) later this evening.  His mom (my sister) has been pretty ridiculous to our parents for the last two months, but I'm not going to not support my nephew just because his parents have a problem.  The same has been true for my other two nephews. (sigh) 

(deep breath) I will climb out of this depressed hole that I've fallen into...why? Because I just don't have time for it.

Constant state of flux.

On Wednesday, we spent all day getting really excited about being alone together.  After work, we planned to organize Tom's workshop area together...but his brother and the boys showed up so they could get out of their house for a little while and come visit........neither of us were too happy, but they are family.  So, the kids ate McDonad's chicken nuggets while Tom and his brother organized the tools that were on the floor.  I just sat on the floor while the little one got into everything and the older one was trying to not freeze to death - it was in the 20's and the workshop only has a small electric heater.  At some point, they finally decided to go home and we went inside to shower. 

We went into the living room where Tom decided to have me bend over facing the couch with my hands on the seat cushions.  He used the double strap just a little too hard at first but adjusted quickly.  In no time at all, I could take the harder swings and relax into them while he could let out some frustration.  The change of scenery was nice, but we soon found ourselves back in the bedroom for some hard and fast loving.  By the end of the evening, I know I was seeing stars. :-D 

We have been talking about going out to dinner recently, so last night (before receiving a hand spanking for teasing him which of course led to some wonderfully exciting sex), we decided we would have a date night this Friday (today).  Our plan is to have dinner at Logan's Roadhouse and then go to the movies to see Taken 3. 

...and then I just got a phone call about us babysitting the boys after our movie so that the parents can go out to a movie as well. (sigh)  Now, I just need to figure out if we want the kids to come over or if we want to go over to their place.  I think my preference would be for the kids to come over since we have TV and internet.  Honestly, I think I'd rather move our date night, but it'll work out whatever we decide... 

Anyway, as you can see, it's never a dull moment around here. :-P

News Flash!

We interrupt your daily routine to announce that Tom and I will be ALONE in our house tonight! We are both crazy excited and are going to enjoy spending time together doing WHATEVER we want!

And now, you may return to your regularly scheduled agenda. :-)

It's been a while...

...so I guess it's time to play catch up.  The holidays went pretty well with relatives coming and going.  Not everything went as planned but honestly when do things ever go as planned especially with so many people involved. (LOL) ;-P  Still spending time with family was definitely a plus. 

We are down to only one guest at the moment, however we will be having an uncle and his friend over for a couple of days this week.  We haven't seen him since the funeral so it should be a fun, low stress visit this time around. 

Tom and I are definitely looking forward to the day when we are living by ourselves again.  Then, we will be able to work on us and what we want.  I'm sure things won't go back to the way they were before everything changed, so we will need to adjust to a new normal.  We have certainly grown a lot in the last year and now we will work towards finding a new balance that works for us.  There are definitely some new things we would like to try and I am full of nervous excitment. It will certainly be different. :-)