Come share a memory.

Tom's youngest brother and his family moved out of our house on Saturday.  The kids were both sad and excited.  After they left, the house was unnaturally quiet.  We wandered into the living room where Tom had me bend over a backless barstool.  He proceeded to use the double strap and then the thinner paddle.  He said that he was spanking me for moping.  I was moping because we weren't even going to get an entire night alone yet...at least not for another 2+ weeks.  His other brother was on his way and was supposed to arrive around 3AM.
 

As the spanking progressed, I started getting pretty excited and we even considered making love (conveniently forgoing the doctor's orders), but then we couldn't find any condoms...apparently he had given the ones we had left to his youngest brother.  Of course, I ended up getting spanked for that too.  :-) 

We got a phone call from his brother and he said he should be in at around 4AM, so Tom decided he was going to stay up and he tucked me in at around 2AM.  I woke up close to 6:30AM to find out that he hadn't arrived yet, but that he had called Tom to say he was stopping at a rest stop for 30 mins.  I figured he had fallen asleep and couldn't hear his phone.  Tom was worried and went to work outside before the sun was up.  It turns out that I was right, he finally called by 11AM and said that he had fallen asleep but was back on the road.  He didn't end up making it in until almost 1PM. 

On his way from California, Tom's brother stopped in New Mexico to pick up their father's motorcycle.  Over the last few weeks, I received the medical examiner's report, Tom talked to the officer on the scene, and now we have the motorcycle.  We will look at photos that his brother took of where the accident happened sometime this week and we will be able to piece together what happened after he left the highway.  We will never know what caused him to veer off to the shoulder in the first place, but we will know what happened afterward.  ...We also need to go through his belonging that were collected from the scene...the teddy bear that I gave him might be in the box. 

We are all still grieving.  I've read up on the five stages of grief.  You really don't experience just one stage at a time.  I'll usually experience several of them one after another when I'm alone or when we talk about him.  We can never really go back to what was normal...we just have to steadily make a new normal.  We are doing our best to get everyone down to our house during the next couple of weeks.  Although it might be a stressful having so many people around, it will be good for all of us not to be alone during the holidays.  We are all going to work through this together by sharing old memories and creating new memories...one day at a time. 

I found the following on Facebook back in October.  Although I am not religious (to each their own), this brings tears to my eyes every time I read it. 

I end this post with a challenge to remember the good times. Share at least one fond memory of someone who has passed either in a comment below or on your own blog.  I will add my own comment later.  If you would like to add more than one memory or memories of more than one person, please feel free to do so. 

Our loved ones are not lost - they live on in us and in the memories we share of them.

It's going to be a topsy-turvy few weeks.

Sorry about double posting last time.  I didn't even realize it happened until a couple of days passed and then it was too late to delete it without losing comments.  I think it had something to do with posting from my phone.  I really dislike it when I have to use my phone to post, but right now, I have to because my internet is extremely limited at home until the end of the month.  It seems when there are more than two of us living at my house then we tend to actually reach and then exceed the 250 GB limit on our internet usage.  We've never even come close to hitting it before and then last month the usage was in the 600's!  We actually pulled the plug on the router this month when it hit 226 GB...so I have to use the 3G network on my phone which sucks about half the time.  Not to mention, there are some things that are very difficult on a handheld device like adding a link, changing font, and setting a time to publish a post.  Also, my copy-paste feature doesn't work all the time.  Let's just say it'll be nice when I have internet access at home again. 

Anyway, the Christmas concert went well last Friday.  I took some medicine right before I had to head to the theater.  We warmed up and started at 7:30pm.  The combination of the medication, the heat from the stage lights, and playing through a clarinet did cause me to get a little lightheaded at times, but otherwise the performance was a success and the kids did enjoy it. 

I spent a lot of time resting this weekend because I've been sick with various symptoms since last Thursday.  I thought when I managed to get over the fever that it wouldn't take long to get over whatever was left, but now I'm sneezing and coughing.  I've also got a runny nose, stuffy nose, and post nasal crap.  My throat only feels sore when I have a coughing fit.  I've also noticed that every now that I have a moment of panic because I'm not getting as much oxygen as I'm used to by attempting to breath through my stuffy nose.  But, if I open my mouth to breathe, then my throat gets even more dry and feels even worse when I cough.  (sigh)  This too shall pass with lots of cough syrup... 

In other news, the boys and their parents will be moving across the street from our private drive.  They have been packing and moving stuff over.  Hopefully, the power will be turned on this week.  This will all happen just in time for Tom's other brother to come in for Christmas.  Then, there is Christmas with the possibilty of 7-10 guests at any given time.  (Luckily, I'm almost done with Christmas gifts.)  After Christmas, it'll taper off to just his brother, us, and Tom's daughter coming down for her birthday and New Year's visit.  Then, after all that, we might have the house to ourselves again...alone...just the two of us.  What on earth are we going to do with ourselves?  I can think a few things to do (grins mischeiviously).

Just a quick update.

The follow-up appointment went fine. The doctor said everything looks good, but she wants four more weeks of no sex.  Gee, thanks, that technically means no tender love making on Christmas and no hard and rough New Year's...oh well, compared to the good news, that's really not all that bad. Not to mention, I'm really not feeling physically up to it anyway just yet.  The pathology report came back as all being mild dysplasia.  No signs of moderate or severe (cancer) which is good news.  That also means that the previous biopsy probably removed all the cells that would be labled as slightly moderate.  This really was great news and now I don't have to go back until next December. 

Yesterday started out with a very mild sore throat and I felt like my allergies were bugging me.  By lunch time, the chills, really stiff neck, and congestion started.  At 3:30PM, I took two Mucinex-max Pressure (Hmm, ever notice how close that word is to Pleasure? ;-P I'll just blame that comment on the meds.) and Pain (Oops, wrong kind of pain.) and fell asleep.  When I woke up at 6:30PM, I had 102.4 fever, but with rest and more Mucinex, it broke over the next few hours.  Now, I don't feel as bad as last night, but definitely not at the top of my game.  Hopefully, I'll continue feeling better because I have a Christmas concert tonight with the ----town Band where I play clarinet. 

Well, that's all the news I have for now.  :-)  Have a great weekend, Everyone!

Just a quick update.

The follow-up appointment went fine. The doctor said everything looks good, but she wants four more weeks of no sex.  Gee, thanks, that technically means no tender love making on Christmas and no hard and rough New Year's...oh well, compared to the good news, that's really not all that bad. Not to mention, I'm really not feeling physically up to it anyway just yet.  The pathology report came back as all being mild dysplasia.  No signs of moderate or severe (cancer) which is good news.  That also means that the previous biopsy probably removed all the cells that would be labled as slightly moderate.  This really was great news and now I don't have to go back until next December. 

Yesterday started out with a very mild sore throat and I felt like my allergies were bugging me.  By lunch time, the chills, really stiff neck, and congestion started.  At 3:30PM, I took two Mucinex-max Pressure (Hmm, ever notice how close that word is to Pleasure? ;-P I'll just blame that comment on the meds.) and Pain (Oops, wrong kind of pain.) and fell asleep.  When I woke up at 6:30PM, I had 102.4 fever, but with rest and more Mucinex, it broke over the next few hours.  Now, I don't feel as bad as last night, but definitely not at the top of my game.  Hopefully, I'll continue feeling better because I have a Christmas concert tonight with the ----town Band where I play clarinet. 

Well, that's all the news I have for now.  :-)  Have a great weekend, Everyone!

We Live and We Learn

I know this post will sound crazy to some, but maybe there are some out there who will be able to relate. 

Tom and I had a couple of disagreements on Saturday night and one of them got rather heated. It was the mean and ugly kind of argument where something I said hurt him and then in retaliation he said something that hurt me. For the life of me, I can't remember exactly what I said that hurt him so much, and oddly enough, he also can't remember what I said either...which in hindsight might mean that it couldn't have been as detrimental as it appeared to be at the time. Regardless of whatever it was this time, when he said something back that hurt my feelings, I started to silently cry. Then, he made a comment about how I had hurt his feelings first yet for some reason I'm the one who is crying. This dig made my silent tears progress to full blown wracking sobs...the kind where you are extremely close to hyperventilating. What happened after I got to this point is what made all the difference in the rest of the evening. 

It is very rare that I get to the point where my crying has gotten so intense that my chest is heaving and hyperventilation is a real possibility. Upon reflection, I realize now that at moments like this, I feel completely out of control, spiraling down into a pit of overwhelming despair. This loss of control is entirely different from willingly giving up control and is in no way fun. Tom was angry and upset with me. He had gotten off the bed and said menacingly, "You will be spanked for this, but not right now, I'm too angry." Then, he walked out of the room to cool off. 

Unbelievingly, as soon as he finished his threat of a spanking, I started to calm down. His words implied two things to me. One, this argument had gotten out of hand and he is going to end it. Two, he cares about me and does not want to risk actually hurting me because he is angry, so he will handle it, but it'll be later. 

The calming effect was immediate. I know vanilla folks would roll their eyes and try to convince me that I have a psychological problem and need help, but I can't help it. His implications let me know he was regaining control of the situation and instead of us continuing to take pot shots at each other, he was putting a stop to it. 

When he returned a couple of minutes later, I still had few tears that were leaking onto my pillow, but I was in a better state. He said very calmly, "I do love you, but I am still angry with you." He still loved me even though we were arguing. He doesn't hate me, but he is upset. This was the reassurance I needed to pull myself back together. I sat up and we talked. He needed me to clear up something for him because he is still knew to understanding how I think with regard to wanting to be spanked.  He wanted to know whether I was arguing because I wanted a spanking like the one from the other night or if I was arguing because I genuinely thought I was right. I shook my head and said that it was because I thought I was right and that I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt him. I thought it was a fair question. He never grew up thinking about spanking the way I do. He hasn't read all of the stories or done as much research as I have on the subject. He wanted to know whether I was bratting and took it entirely too far, or if I had genuine concerns and he was overreacting. By the time we were finished talking (at 5AM the next morning!), we were both in much better places emotionally. 

We have noticed that a majority of our disagreements are because of the differences in how we were raised. I think it should be this way, and he thinks it should be that way. We each believe passionately in where we stand and unfortunately that usually leads to a heated argument. After we both cool off, we tend to see each other's views and are in a better mindset to compromise. 

Usually, the only reason that I will continue to argue at all is because I don't think he is listening to my thoughts and opinions. More often than not, he will either do what I suggested or come back and tell my that I was right after the fact. But, what he doesn't like and what is the bigger problem is that I will continue to argue the same point over and over thinking that he will change his mind instantly. 

We understand that disagreements are going to happen, but what can we do so that they don't escalate to the point where we tear each other down? To answer this question, I want to refer to something I've read written by Brenna titled, Domestic Discipline in Relationships, and reposted by Bethany at Bethany's Woodshed. 

Part 3 refers to several possible things that the husband can do in this type of relationship. I had printed this several months ago, but a lot has happened since then. Tom wanted to know what I wanted to try, so I dug this article out of my drawer and handed it to him. We talked for a bit more and then I had to go to bed because it was 2AM and I had to go to work at 6AM. When I woke up, I found out that he ended up having to stay awake because one of the boys broke out in hives yesterday and the itchiness woke him up, so Tom stayed up. While the boy took a bath and watched TV, Tom read the article three times! He also told me he wanted to read Part 1 and 2 which I hadn't printed yet. 

This is very promising to me. He is trying to learn more about what I want. I know I don't know for certain, but what is mentioned in this article is definitely something I want to try. I do know that this didn't start out as his kink, but he is willing to learn and try something different which means the world to me. 

So, about the spanking threat that I mentioned at the beginning of this post...something else that he is also working on is following through. Even though, I didn't agree at the time that I was in the wrong, I have agreed to submit to the spanking that he had threatened to give me because I do want him to follow through and because I really did hurt his feelings. As a result of neither of us remembering why (go ahead and laugh - even I know that sounds ridiculous - you want to get spanked when neither of you can remember what for), I have an as needed assignment. It is now my responsibility to always write down why I am supposed to be spanked if we have to take care of it at a later date. If I forget to write it down and as a result forget why he needs to spank me, then he will break out the thicker paddle. Yikes! See, he has a legitimate excuse for forgetting...his ADHD tends to make him forgetful. Anyway, we are waiting to carry this one out until some time after Wednesday's follow-up appt. with the doctor.

Properly Punished

I went to bed before Tom did last night but I can be a pretty light sleeper when he isn't in bed with me.  I left my iPad on his side of the bed and left the TV on so that he could read my updated version of yesterday's post and watch a little TV if he wanted. When he finally came in, he caressed my back as he read and I kept my eyes shut while enjoying the rough touch of his fingers. 

When he finished reading, he held me close and whispered, "Are you okay?" To which, I shook my head.  He asked, "What's wrong?" 

With some hesitation, I replied, "I don't know." 

He said, "You just went through the effort of letting me know that you aren't okay, but now won't tell me why.  That's just ridiculous...and you are lying to me when you say that you don't know what's wrong." 

I paused and then whispered back, "I just wish we didn't have to wait so long to deal with it." 

He sat up and said, "Let's go into our bathroom and handle it there." He got off the bed and started rummaging around for implements. 

I rolled over and watched him.  "The kids are in their beds across the hall.  We would wake them up.  We used to be able to go into the gameroom, but your brother and his wife are in there." 

"Are you making excuses?  I'm deciding we're handling this now.  Now, where is the paddle?"  As my heart rate skyrocketed, he rifled through stuff until he found the double leather strap and the wooden paddle (both from Cane-iac).  He looked at me and said, "Come on."  I waited for him to move away from his side of the bed and then slid off the bed to follow him to the bathroom.  I walked passed him and turned the shower and overhead vent on so that there would be more background noise than just the TV.  He thought that was a very good idea and we exchanged a smile. 

We took a look around the bathroom which is long and narrow...not exactly and ideal place to do this.  He said that he wished he had something to sit on and walked back into the bedroom to look for something suitable.  He came back with a miniature ottoman, placed it down, and sat on it.  Patting his lap, he said, "Come here."  He was awfully close to the ground which looked kind of funny, but I wasn't about to laugh at him at the moment.  I draped myself over his knees thinking that at least it wasn't too uncomfortable. 

"I’m going to punish you for lying to me."  He pulled my pajama pants and panties down.  He picked up the double strap and started smacking my bare bottom.  Aware that I needed to be warmed up, he held back at first.  Instead of ending the warm-up and giving me hard hits from then on, he decided to intermix the strength of the swats so that he was emphasizing points.  With one of the harder swats, he asked, "Do you like lying to me?" 

"No," I choked and he layed into me with a few really hard strokes.  He started switching back  and forth between the implements.  I felt like I was on the verge of tears, but just wasn't there yet. 

At some point he said, "Man, my dick is getting harder the harder I spank you."  Then, I giggled and he said, "You think that's funny?" I nodded, so he aimed another set of harder strokes at my rear to remind me that this isn't supposed to be funny. 

After that, he had me get up and lay over the ottoman so he could position himself beside me.  This was actually really comfortable and I could rest my head on my hands on the floor.  He started spanking again and asked, "Can you trust a liar?"  I miserably shook my head and he worked me over with the wooden paddle mixing really hard and slow swats with quick and in the same place less hard swats. 

Then, he said, "It’s ok, Baby.  I do trust you."  That did it - the damn broke.  The tears that were on the verge from the moment I went over his knees finally spilled over.  He spanked a few more times then knelt beside me and rubbed my back and said,  "I love you. Are you okay?"  I couldn't say anything and just nodded my head. It really didn't take long for my tears to stop falling...actually it felt more like I was still crying but without tears.  He asked me, "Do you want more?"  I nodded imediately.  I may have been done with the tears, but I didn't feel I was done being punished yet. 

So, he picked up one of the implements again.  I had stopped trying to keep track of which one he was using.  I could definitely feel the difference, but he was in control of everything and I simply concentrated on feeling, letting go, and taking anything he wanted to give me.  With each smack, I felt better.  The guilt was being spanked out of me. A few minutes later, he said, "I think we should stop."  
I said, "Okay." I know my bottom had taken a lot and any busted capilaries or brusing needs to be able to heal before next Wednesday's doctor's appointment. 

I stood up and we hugged each other.  I squeezed him and said, "I'm sorry for lying to you." 

He replied, "I know you are.  I love you." 

"I love you, too." 

At around 2AM, I got into bed while Tom decided to go make a late night snack.  I felt emotionally better and could easily fall asleep.  I rolled onto my back and immediately changed my mind before falling asleep on my side. 

This morning, I told Tom, "I am still tired, but I feel better." 

He laughed and said, "That's because your ass is still warm." 

I smiled back, "Yes, yes, it is."  In fact, I have been sitting gingerly all morning. 

------

Thoughts on punishment spankings versus my other spankings: 

Since this is the first time that I have been punished, I figured I should write down some initial thoughts and feelings.  First, I feel that I was in a completely different headspace.  During a spanking for pleasure or foreplay, I am focusing on wanting to feel good so if it hurts too much I prefer Tom to dial down the strength. For my first punishment spanking, I wanted to release the guilt I was drowning in above and before anything else. 

As I took my place over his knees, I was nervous because we had never tried this before, but I trust him and I knew that I deserved whatever was coming.  This was real and when it hurt more, I whimpered, wiggled, and accepted it.  I needed to be punished for this, and I needed both of us to be emotionally involved to let go, to release my guilt, and to reconnect. 

Tom, My Love, 

You were there with me every step of the way.  You took control, held me accountable, followed through, lectured more, and made me feel loved all throughout the punishment.  I needed everything about this, and I am very inexplicably grateful that you decided not to wait any longer.  Thank you for being the man I need, the man I love, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

All my love, 

Jay

Feeling Guilty

I didn't realize it at the time, but I did several things Tuesday night that I obviously need to work on. 

1) When I came home, I immediately got upset about something and that led me to brushing off my fiancé when he came to hug me at the door.  Although I have a good reason for getting upset that does NOT make it okay for me to do the very thing that I don't like when he does it - cold shoulder, brushing off, or overlooking the other. 

2) When he tried to ask me about what was wrong, I made something up.  Now, in my defense, what came out of my mouth would have been the truth about five minutes before I walked in the door, but it was NOT the truth immediately after I had walked in.  Granted, he did ask me in front of our relatives and I didn't want to talk about it in front of them so I just said what had been bothering me before my attitude changed which wasn't the reason for the attitude change.  So basically, I lied instead of just saying we could talk about it later. 

3) I didn't even realize I had done 1 and 2 until after we talked about it later and he described the situation from his point of view. 

So, even though, I had every right to be upset, I had absolutely no right to act like I did or white lie about what was going on with me.  I say "white lie" because I would have told him eventually what was bothering me. It just wasn't going to be at that moment.  I do feel I would have been more forthcoming if we hadn't been in front of our guests. Later Tuesday night, when I finally realized what had actually happened - what was going through my head and my point of view vs his point of view, I felt guilty.  Now, fortunately, we went on to have a perfectly fine evening.  But right now...I still have this guilty feeling nagging at the back of my mind. 

The question is what do we do about it?  I know we are going to talk though the talk might take place after he reads this because frankly, I don't even know how to bring it up.  The other questions are what do I really want?  Do I want to actually be punished for this?  The thought excites me, but am I supposed to be excited?  Can we even do anything about it? We still have relatives coming and going at least through the holidays so privacy is still currently an issue. I feel that if we can deal with this soon, then I will get the emotional involvement that I need, but if we wait too long, then I can't predict if I will still feel as guilty about it later.

When he does something that I don't like, I usually try to tell him.  He may or may not get defensive, but we will still talk about it.  Then, he will apologize.  When I do something he doesn't like, he will talk to me about it.  I usually will have this moment of "I can't believe I did that!"  That is when guilt sets in and I get defensive. That night, when we talked, I believe I handled myself a LOT better than I have in the past BUT I don't recall actually apologizing.  I remember hugging him and saying, "I love you." But actually saying, "I did this and I'm sorry"...I don't think that happened. For me, I think that the act of apologizing is so much more difficult because I can't get passed how guilty I feel. 

Maybe that is why I am so clingy after a disagreement. If he is in the wrong, I like to reassure him that I love him.  If I am in the wrong (even though I have a bunch of legitimate excuses), I feel embarassed and guilty but then I guess I cover it up with being clingy.

Maybe this is why he thinks I act funny, seem like I want to say something, or appear lost sometimes.  I guess - now that I'm really thinking about it - it's because I expect him to do something like give me a warning or actually spank me for it, but he usually doesn't because he has already moved on but I haven't. 

Wow, I think I just experienced a break through in learning more about myself.  Does that mean I know what to do about it?  Absolutely not.  But I suppose it's a start...

Update: I decided to let my fiancé, Tom, read this before I posted it and afterwards we talked more about what happened. He has made it clear that he does not approve of me lying to him and he believes what was even worse was the fact that I didn't even realize or hesitate when I did it. He also believes that I have probably done something similar to this before now, and unfortunately, I think he is right. If I don't want to talk about something, then I tend to divert the conversation by putting focus on something else that may be bothering me but it isn't the issue in the moment. I grew up where lying by omission is still considered lying, so I should know better.  I think I also do it to avoid a disagreement and possibly to avoid hurting his feelings. But avoiding communication is NOT good for any relationship no matter what the reasoning is.  And as he puts it, "how can I try to fix something that I don't even know is a problem?" Again, he is right.

I told him quietly that I think I want to be spanked for this. This isn't something we just made up to have a scene. This is real...real issues, real guilt, real emotional involvement on both sides. I just wish we could do something about it now rather than later, but I really don't need to risk being marked before my follow-up appointment on Wednesday with the gyno, especially since she will definitely have a view of my butt when I am on the exam table.

Tom promises me that I am "gonna get it" but it'll have to wait until after Wednesday's appointment and when we have some privacy.  Now, I get to feel guilty, anxious, excited, nervous, and who knows what else for the next week...

Where I am home.

Note: I am feeling a bit better today, but I know I am still in the recovery phase so we are waiting for the all clear from the doctor before we go all the way like in the following story (which is a mix of actual feelings but not necessarily events that have all happened yet or at least not in a long while).

I raise my head up from it's place on your shoulder to gaze at you.  Your eyes are closed.  You are resting peacefully.  I gently run my fingers over your handsome face, feeling the rough texture of your beard.  My fingers move down to your chest and trace the firm muscles along your arms.  I gently run my fingernails over your palms the way you like me to and you groan out your appreciation.  I can feel the callouses on your carpenter's hands.  Your hands are so different than mine.  Mine are soft and smooth, but yours are tough and strong - and I wouldn't have them any other way because I love the way they feel against my skin.  Your hands can be gentle when they caress my face, or they can be hard and unyielding when you are spanking my bare bottom.  A exciting chill runs through me just at the thought. 

I move my hands back to your chest and down to your abdominal muscles.  Then, skip down to your thighs and calves.  I love feeling your muscles.  I can feel your strength and know you can protect me. That makes me feel safe and sound. I massage your feet and then lean forward to give your manhood a gentle kiss.  You smile and keep your eyes closed. 

I take you into my warm mouth and feel you grow with each slow, deliberate stroke.  I smile mischeviously because right now, I'm in control and I want to make you feel good.  You open your eyes so you can watch me.  I make eye contact and take you in ever so slowly before tigtening my lips and pulling back to the tip.  I start moving faster until you moan and then suddenly, I stop and slowly start teasing you all over again.  It's not long before you decide it is time to take over and teach your naughty wife-to-be that it's not nice to tease. 

You raise up from the bed and tell me to put my head on the bed and get my cute ass in the air.  You caress my backside before bringing down your hand sharply on one cheek and then the other.  Mmm, the perfect combination of sting and thud.  You work your way up and down my bottom.  You pause a moment and tell me how red I'm getting.  Slowly, you slip your fingers to other locations and gently stroke me until you have me moving to meet your fingers. A moan escapes my lips before you deliver a few final hard spanks, letting me know without a doubt that you are the one in control now. 

You position yourself behind me and slowly ease your hardess inside me. We both sigh when our thighs touch...we fit so perfectly together.  After a couple of soft and loving strokes, you grab my hips and proceed to take me hard and fast.  Oh my, you feel amazing.  I slip a vibrator between my legs as you continue your punishing pace from behind.  So close...  I squeeze my eyes shut as stars erupt.  Feeling my release also pushes you over the edge and we share a few blissful moments. 

Not long after, my head returns to your shoulder and you wrap your arm around me protectively.  This is my favorite place to be...where I am loved, where I am protected, where I am home.