Everything Will Be Okay

I had many false starts when it came to writing a post this week.  At first, I wanted to write about my father-in-law and get out how much we all miss him, then I changed my mind and wanted to write about how wildly life can change from week to week.  But how I feel right now really sums up to the following sentiment which I found by wandering through Google images with the search phrase "it will be okay." 

Last night, my fiancé held me while I had a small meltdown and cried.  I tend to focus so much on taking care of others that I don't allow myself time to deal with my own emotions, so that when I finally breakdown or blowup, it seems that I'm really upset about nothing at all when it's really a bunch of things. That's just who I am.  I can handle being thrown into a crisis by taking control, getting stuff done, and planning things out because I am levelheaded and can think clearly by pushing my emotions down.  But in doing so, I stretch myself thin and wear myself out. 

When the dust finally starts to settle, I begin to feel and that's when I need someone there to help brush the dust off of me.  My fiancé has been that someone, and I am very thankful that we have been able to be there for each other.  I know it has been extremely rough on us - both as individuals and as a couple, but I do not regret going through any of it together.

One Day at a Time

About a week ago, we tried playing a game of darts but found out that I had lost most of my ability to accurately control the darts. We hadn't played in about three months because we haven't had time to finish adjusting to all the changes yet.  In the past when we would play, I would get spanked for the difference in our scores, but that night we didn't do anything extra because we had a guest sleeping in the next room.  So, I ended up getting irritated and not really wanting to play. 

Last night, my fiancé decided that I didn't have a choice and had to play a few dart games with him.  We were going to spend some time together and this time when we played the Cane-iac paddle and double leather strap would be close at hand.  Before the game even started, he picked up the paddle and "warmed" my backside up with his "nine" and then three harder punishment licks for giving him attitude earlier.  I could feel myself start to release a tiny fraction of the pent up stress I've been carrying around.  That's when I realized I really did need this. 

I stood back up and we started our game.  We were both a little distracted because we had moved a lot of Dad's things into the game room so we kept randomly going through boxes all while trying to play.  I guess it worked it my favor because I won the game by 6 points.  It was back over the large kitchen stool to receive 6 rather hard swats with the paddle.  It hurt, but I definitely missed the feel of being spanked with something other than a cane. 

We jumped into the next game and continued to try to put some of Dad's stuff away.  Before my fiancé knew it, I was ahead in points and closing down any opportunity for him to catch up.  Strangely enough, I can't remember what the score difference was but I'm guessing it was somewhere in the 50s.  This paddling, I do recall, was delieverd at varying degrees of power and I was certainly feeling it. 

The final game was much less interesting for me because I started losing pretty quickly.  I guess he was paying more attention this time around.  He ended the game with a damn good lead, so I went to drape myself over the stool again while he figured out the score difference.  He had won by 92 points.  Yikes!  On his way over to me, he picked up the double strap.  He dished out 62 licks at an even pace, pausing only briefly to switch the direction he was swinging.  Oh, it was amazing to feel the kiss of leather again.  For the next 30, he switched back to the paddle with the final 12 being harder than any had been yet.  When I got up, I could feel a more lasting burning sensation on my rear and also some emotional relief from some of the stress that we've been under. 

I know everything isn't back to normal, and I don't expect it to be for a while.  Although it is getting easier, I still find it hard to concentrate at work for any length of time.  We still have to deal with the stresses of finances and raising the two boys who don't really grasp what has happened.  Sometimes we are strong and sometimes we are weak, but no matter what we are here for each other. We will get through this by taking small steps and by taking one day at a time.

The Earth Continues to Turn (and Livia Grant's Securing It All Has Been Released)

Right now, I feel like it isn't real.  I don't know what to think or how to feel.  I feel like I haven't had enough time to grieve and to accept this.  I still have to get up, go to work, and actually function while I'm there.  I have to pick up the boys and get homework done.  Thankfully, my fiancé  and his brother (who is spending a couple of weeks with us) are able to help even though they are also trying to grieve and figure out how to move on.

This is hard.  None of us were ready.  It's just not fair.  We have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil in the last few months.  Things were looking up.  We stepped up to help raise our nephews.  My fiancé  started talking with his two brothers again after years of silence.  Life wasn't perfect, but we were adjusting to the changes we were experiencing and coming out better and stronger.  Then all of a sudden, this happens.  At least, Dad had a chance to see his grandsons in good hands and his boys communicating with each other again.  I know he was happy and he knew he was loved by many people.

The funeral service was nice on Saturday.  There were pictures, stories, and a slideshow of memories.  My fiancé  spoke during the service.  He told a story, read a letter from his uncle, and also read a very short eulogy that I typed up.  The eulogy was meant to be an example that he could go off of, instead it made him realize that I saw the same person he did in his father so he left it as it was and just shared what I said.

My dad, TF III, was a loving husband, father, grandfather, son, brother, and friend to many people.  He was a man who knew he could do anything and if he couldnt do it, then he knew he wasnt trying hard enough.  He raised his six kids to be strong and independent.  When things got tough, there was always one thing you could count on he was always there.  He always had his candid advice readily available…whether we wanted it or not.  He let us bump our heads until we figured it out, but he was definitely there in the background watching over us.  

Even though the service allowed us all to grieve together in the company of family and friends, I didn't feel any closure.  I think a big part of that is because we didn't have a chance to have an open-casket and Dad's cremated remains hadn't even arrived yet.  So, we had a service...but with nothing physically there to say goodbye to.  I am not a religious person, so please forgive me if I do not believe or see things the way you do.  I do, however, greatly appreciate the support, thoughts, and prayers that many of you have been sending our way. You are helping us get through this by doing what you can and I want to thank you.

The other part of not feeling closure is not knowing what actually happened.  This is eating at me.  I want the secondary accident report and the autopsy report.  There are unanswered questions and I want answers.  My fiancé 's uncle is attempting to request the reports and hopefully then I can start accepting this.  I can feel myself pushing down the emotions and avoiding having to deal with them by busying myself with other things.  It's not like the world has stopped turning so there are plenty of other things that need to be done...like paying the bills, buying costumes for the boys, and checking on other family members.  I've even started reading blogs again, just not as often.

As a side note, I took a little time to make it through the first chapter of Livia Grant's second book, Securing It All, which released on September 26th.  This book is as amazing as the first one with its ability to keep you engaged with the characters, and it starts off wonderfully with the main characters beginning their journey to rebuild trust.  I definitely look forward to when I feel up to reading the rest of the book and will then be not so patiently waiting for the next release in the series.  

Also, I was pleasantly suprised to find out that Livia has her own webpage and blog now!  You can check it out here (www.liviagrant.com).

RIP TF, III

My fiancé’s dad passed away from injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident last Saturday.  He was on vacation heading to California.  He made it about halfway before the unthinkable happened.  The news media says he failed to negotiate a turn, yet the crash report doesn't even mention a turn other than it occurred near the exit.  From what I can only guess right now, he should have been about ready to take an exit to fill up, so it is possible he was in the turn on the exit ramp (which the damn report should have said). We are going to the funeral tomorrow.  After the funeral, I plan on making phone calls to get the secondary report which is supposed to include a diagram of the scene and I also want to see the autopsy report.  Most of us are still in a state of disbelief and want to know what happened.  He has been riding for 50 years...so it's hard to believe that he simply made a mistake.

We are all in various stages of grieving.  I'm fine one minute, extremely sad and filled with regret the next, and then I'll deal with flashes of anger.

The regret is for things we didn't have time to say, for things we won't be able to say from now on, and for just not having more time with him. He welcomed me into the family and never made me feel left out or overlooked.  He appreciated me for me.

The anger...anger at who?  No one in particular.  Angry at the crash report for stating the accident was in the eastbound lane when he was travelling west...not to mention the news media is reporting westbound lane.  Angry that we can't find a Will - people who matter are not fighting at all...it's the people who don't matter who think they are entitled to something.  Angry that we had to cremate him before we could say goodbye - do I want to look at the body? No, but sometimes that's how one can get closure.

He was at our house just last Tuesday, smiling and laughing.  He had all his teeth removed in December and just got his new teeth in Thursday.  He left in high spirits to go see one of his other sons and to meet up with a brother he hadn't seen in 28 years.

He sent a text to us at 2:13pm last Friday.  It said, "And we're off."  He also attached a photo of a motorcycle bear that I gave him last year, so "we" meant him and the bear.

I replied, "Cool! Have a safe trip!"

I didn't say, "We love you," because I didn't think about it.  My last words seem hollow to me because it was a hurried reply while I was picking up his grandsons from school.  I'm upset that I didn't say more.  It just never occurred to me that we might not see him again.

I posted the following on Facebook.

To my second dad, TF III (June 30, 1958 - September 20, 2014),

I've only known you a couple of years, Dad, but you made me feel loved, appreciated, and like I was a member of the family. You were at our home, TF IV's and mine, many times. The fatherly advice was always appreciated but more importantly the open arms, hugs, genuine respect, and encouragement you gave us will be carried in our hearts forever. We will miss waiting on a text or a call that says, "I'm on my way."

You told me many times, "Thanks for loving my son and being there for him!" and "Take care of my baby boy!" Please know that I am. You made our lives better because you were always there! Rest well and may you continue to watch over us and guide us. We will always need you!

We will always love and miss you!

Being Open

After reading my reflection comments at the end of my last post, my fiancé decided to pay special attention to me and my derrière during the nights of our weekend.  He and I have been in previous relationships and we both know where things end up when one side goes too long with feeling unfulfilled or unsatisfied.  He was glad that I was able to recognize what I was feeling and voiced it, but he was still hurt that I started to feel that way especially since it was very unintentional on his part.  I felt proud of myself for not keeping it in (given my past experience with my lack of open communication) yet at the same time guilty for bringing it up because I knew how it would make him feel. 

On Friday night, we talked about it a lot while I was spending time over his knee lovingly receiving the same paddle that I couldn't handle the previous night. I told him the feelings of unfulfillment only started occurring recently and that I really do understand that we can't be all in it every night.  We also talked about what had actually happened during and after the previous paddling.  I hadn't realized it at the time, but he explained to me that he was more than willing to continue the scene by slowing down and reducing strength.  Instead, it was really because of my sense of feeling rushed that we stopped and moved on to sex.  I did it because I thought he wanted to go relax and he did it because he thought I really wanted to stop.  That's when I asked him, "If you were okay with continuing, then why didn't you just take control?" 

He paused, and then replied with, "I guess I honestly thought you were ready to stop and didn't want to keep going.  You were also right - I was tired and ready to relax.  I didn't really feel like playing, but that doesn't mean I won't try to do it for you anyway." 

I said, "Yes, but the problem was that I could tell you didn't want to and I don't want you to do something that you don't want to do.  I mean a couple of weeks ago you were already in bed when I asked you to spank me.  You rolled out of bed and delivered very well with the cane.  It was amazing and aside from me knowing that you were tired, I couldn't tell that you didn't want to do it.  But, last night, I could tell with every swat that you weren't into it.  The words were all there but the delivery just wasn't the same." 

He said that he undertsood and apologized.  Then, he proceeded to give me a mix of the paddle and the shorter cane.  We talked and joked a bit more as he decided whether or not I was being sassy.  I'm glad he decided on sassy!  He pulled my pants down and my panties up to expose my cheeks. He continued with the paddle and even some with his hand.  I was already pretty excited when he started to let his fingers wander lower while he was rubbing the punished area.  It certainly wasn't long before I was well ready to be taken.  He stopped spanking and got undressed before entering me from behind.  He paused while we both enjoyed the suddeness of our coupling.  Then, we let our primal instincts take over and he roughly reminded me that I am his to love, his to take, and his to cherish.  He is my man and I am his woman.

What's this? Three posts in one week?!

Yesterday afternoon, my fiancé read my post from earlier in the day and decided he would do something about it.  So when we put the kids to bed and were waiting for them to settle down, my fiancé turns to me and says, "Go get the paddle."

I looked at him and said, "It's too loud for right here [in the living room] and they're still awake."  

With "the look" he replied, "I told you to go get the paddle."  So, I hopped off of the couch and went to retrieve the implement.  He took it from me and followed me into the game room where he promptly bent me over with my hands on the cushion of the loveseat.  With paddle in hand, he said, "Next time I tell you to do something. (Spank) You will do it. (spank) Without question! (Spank)"  Ouch, damn that thing hurts! He implied this was just a preview as the boys still weren't quite asleep yet. So, we went back into the living room and he slid the paddle onto the shelf of the coffee table, then we started watching a movie.  The boys got up a few times which happens every night after we put them to bed before they finally start drifting off to sleep.  I was getting anxious and couldn't focus on the movie to save my life, so he leaned over and said, "Go get the condom and lube."

"Here? Now?"  Huh? When did I start making excuses?!

"Are you going to argue again?" 

I quickly got off the couch and grabbed the items.  He waited for a few more minutes to be sure we wouldn't be interupted, then he grabbed everything, including the paddle, and we returned to the game room with him telling me that I had been naughty.  I returned to my previous position this time with my pj pants and panties around my knees.

Smack!  Wait, no warm up?! Smack! Ow!  Smack! Damn, these feel harder.  Smack! Please not in the same spot! Smack! Ouch! Smack, smack! Fuck!

He paused, "Is it too much?"

"Yes," I whispered.  A little sad that I couldn't take anymore with the paddle.

We decided to move on to other things instead.  He slid in behind me on the loveseat and I pushed back to meet him.  With a little bit of lube, I easily accepted him.  Then, he took over and set an excitingly fast pace.  Oh, it felt good to be able to moan and mumble aloud without being worried about waking up the kids.

When we finished, we cleaned up and continued the movie for a little while before heading off to bed.

Reflections:  I guess after not being able to handle much of last night's spanking I realized something...because we have to wait until the kids are asleep and we are generally more worn out lately, we tend to try to rush the spanking so that it feels more like a tease or like "hurry up and get it over with" so we can have sex and/or sleep.  Unfortunately, this way of doing it just isn't as fulfilling.  I do understand why it's happening, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  However, I love him and I am still extremely greatful for what he can and does give me and for what he has also given up [since the boys arrived]. :-)

Trip to the Game Room (Our Woodshed)

Before our nephews came to live with us, my fiancé closed in our carport.  It is eventually going to be our game room but as of right now it is still unfinished because life got busy.  Unfortunately while we were cleaning out the rest of the house to get ready for relatives, we started using it for extra storage.  Well, a couple of weeks ago, he decided to get in there and start moving stuff to the actual storage buildings.  Now we have a loveseat to sit on and a decent amount of room to move around in there. 

So, sometime last week after we put the boys to bed, he had me go get the paddle and we met in our future game room.  We grabbed the baby monitor to keep an eye on the boys and closed the exterior door that leads to our game room.  Because of all the two brick walls and the exterior door that leads to the house, you really can't hear anything from inside the house.  From the driveway on the other hand, you can probably make out the crack of the paddle but that's when we can just turn on the stereo and since I don't scream it shouldn't be that big of a deal. 

He had me bend over the armrest of the loveseat so that I had a view of the concrete floor.  He rested the paddle on the seat of my jeans and gently patted.  Then he pulled back and the first swat landed.  It wasn't too hard, but it did surprise me.  He continued to paddle me with varying degrees of power while I gasped and wiggled.  We hadn't used the paddle in what felt like forever so I was definitely feeling it.  Soon he paused to undo my jeans and pulled them down along with my panties.  It had been a while since I had felt the smooth wood on my bare bottom. Crack! Ouch!  Oh, how I missed this.  He couldn't keep it up for much longer because we still had to take showers and get some sleep, so he wrapped it up with a few well-placed hard swats and sent me to the shower with a nicely reddened backside. 

It's been about a week since that spanking (not that our canes haven't seen some use), but I think I'm due for another trip to the game room!  I'm not complaining about the quiet canes because they are definitely useful in the bedroom, but sometimes I want the louder implements like his hand, the leather, and/or the wood!