It all started because we each took something I said differently. He saw it his way and I saw it mine, but at the time neither of us was willing to even explore the possibility that we might have just misunderstood and that maybe what we saw wasn't really what the other person felt or saw. I know I'm being vague.
Basically, I embarrassed myself by stumbling over my words because I was trying to think and talk at the same time. What came out of my mouth and my actions made him feel that I intentionally said something inappropriate. So then, Tom said something in jest that I thought was rather rude and it really confused me. Tom's brother was in the kitchen with us when this happened but walked outside after this brief exchange.
We stayed in the kitchen and started arguing without much regard for how the other was feeling. Eventually, we did end up in the bedroom and after a brief interruption (his brother came back inside with a question about a car stereo), we had both calmed down enough to say this is what I meant versus this is what I saw. We were also able to each see it from the other's point of view which allowed us to see where the other person was coming from in the thought process.
Upon reflection, we discussed how we might be able to avoid the messy, hurtful part in between the misunderstanding and the calm disucssion. From now on, we will try to take the other's hand and walk to the bedroom to talk about it out of earshot of anyone who might be around and that way we can calmly work through the misunderstanding.
I also admitted to him that I have an unnecessary fear of speaking in public which includes anyone who is not in my very small circle of immediate family and friends. This does not mean that I failed technical presentations and royally suck at speaking in front of an audience. On the contrary, I actually do pretty well, but I am a nervous wreck beforehand. I worry about making a fool of myself and being embarrassed - which is exactly what happened when I attempted to switch gears while I was thinking and talking all at the same time. So, because people think I'm relatively intelligent, calm, collected, and confident, when I do accidentally stumble over my words and attempt to laugh it off, I sometimes come across as though I intentionally said something inappropriate. This is probably the number one reason why I am very quiet and reserved when someone first meets me. It takes a lot to make me feel comfortable enough to know that who I'm with will not make me feel any less if I embarrass myself. It's the same reason it takes me FOREVER to write a comment or an e-mail to someone. I worry about how someone will take what I say. I worry about spelling and grammar. In all, it can be damned stressful for me when it shouldn't be, but the end result - the speech, e-mail, post, or comment - usually comes out pretty well and I can be proud of what I said or wrote.
Anyway, the point is we did communicate and will hopefully do better when it comes to handling misunderstandings in the future. We live and we learn. :-)
We stayed in the kitchen and started arguing without much regard for how the other was feeling. Eventually, we did end up in the bedroom and after a brief interruption (his brother came back inside with a question about a car stereo), we had both calmed down enough to say this is what I meant versus this is what I saw. We were also able to each see it from the other's point of view which allowed us to see where the other person was coming from in the thought process.
Upon reflection, we discussed how we might be able to avoid the messy, hurtful part in between the misunderstanding and the calm disucssion. From now on, we will try to take the other's hand and walk to the bedroom to talk about it out of earshot of anyone who might be around and that way we can calmly work through the misunderstanding.
I also admitted to him that I have an unnecessary fear of speaking in public which includes anyone who is not in my very small circle of immediate family and friends. This does not mean that I failed technical presentations and royally suck at speaking in front of an audience. On the contrary, I actually do pretty well, but I am a nervous wreck beforehand. I worry about making a fool of myself and being embarrassed - which is exactly what happened when I attempted to switch gears while I was thinking and talking all at the same time. So, because people think I'm relatively intelligent, calm, collected, and confident, when I do accidentally stumble over my words and attempt to laugh it off, I sometimes come across as though I intentionally said something inappropriate. This is probably the number one reason why I am very quiet and reserved when someone first meets me. It takes a lot to make me feel comfortable enough to know that who I'm with will not make me feel any less if I embarrass myself. It's the same reason it takes me FOREVER to write a comment or an e-mail to someone. I worry about how someone will take what I say. I worry about spelling and grammar. In all, it can be damned stressful for me when it shouldn't be, but the end result - the speech, e-mail, post, or comment - usually comes out pretty well and I can be proud of what I said or wrote.
Anyway, the point is we did communicate and will hopefully do better when it comes to handling misunderstandings in the future. We live and we learn. :-)
Nice! Clear communication between reasonable people (especially people that are in love with each other) is the best medicine.
ReplyDeleteJay, I understand over thinking everything you do and say. I wish telling you to relax and be yourself would work but I know from personal experience you hear it all the time and your internal dialog keeps rolling. I do hope you can find a place that is comfortable and easy to talk things through with Tom. And I hope as he learns more about you he is your biggest supporter! Luke has done that for me. He takes on my negative self talk all the time. It's probably the way in which ttwd has benefitted us the most. Don't shy away from us here in blogland. We're a pretty easy going group. Get out and put your comments in. We want your input because what you have to share with us matters!!
ReplyDeletesub hub - Yes, it is. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteClara - Thank you! We are definitely still learning about each other as we have been through all these recent life changing events over the last six months or so. We are doing our best to be there for each other, but sometimes things can get overwhelming and can be hard to listen to each other.