Feeling Guilty

I didn't realize it at the time, but I did several things Tuesday night that I obviously need to work on. 

1) When I came home, I immediately got upset about something and that led me to brushing off my fiancé when he came to hug me at the door.  Although I have a good reason for getting upset that does NOT make it okay for me to do the very thing that I don't like when he does it - cold shoulder, brushing off, or overlooking the other. 

2) When he tried to ask me about what was wrong, I made something up.  Now, in my defense, what came out of my mouth would have been the truth about five minutes before I walked in the door, but it was NOT the truth immediately after I had walked in.  Granted, he did ask me in front of our relatives and I didn't want to talk about it in front of them so I just said what had been bothering me before my attitude changed which wasn't the reason for the attitude change.  So basically, I lied instead of just saying we could talk about it later. 

3) I didn't even realize I had done 1 and 2 until after we talked about it later and he described the situation from his point of view. 

So, even though, I had every right to be upset, I had absolutely no right to act like I did or white lie about what was going on with me.  I say "white lie" because I would have told him eventually what was bothering me. It just wasn't going to be at that moment.  I do feel I would have been more forthcoming if we hadn't been in front of our guests. Later Tuesday night, when I finally realized what had actually happened - what was going through my head and my point of view vs his point of view, I felt guilty.  Now, fortunately, we went on to have a perfectly fine evening.  But right now...I still have this guilty feeling nagging at the back of my mind. 

The question is what do we do about it?  I know we are going to talk though the talk might take place after he reads this because frankly, I don't even know how to bring it up.  The other questions are what do I really want?  Do I want to actually be punished for this?  The thought excites me, but am I supposed to be excited?  Can we even do anything about it? We still have relatives coming and going at least through the holidays so privacy is still currently an issue. I feel that if we can deal with this soon, then I will get the emotional involvement that I need, but if we wait too long, then I can't predict if I will still feel as guilty about it later.

When he does something that I don't like, I usually try to tell him.  He may or may not get defensive, but we will still talk about it.  Then, he will apologize.  When I do something he doesn't like, he will talk to me about it.  I usually will have this moment of "I can't believe I did that!"  That is when guilt sets in and I get defensive. That night, when we talked, I believe I handled myself a LOT better than I have in the past BUT I don't recall actually apologizing.  I remember hugging him and saying, "I love you." But actually saying, "I did this and I'm sorry"...I don't think that happened. For me, I think that the act of apologizing is so much more difficult because I can't get passed how guilty I feel. 

Maybe that is why I am so clingy after a disagreement. If he is in the wrong, I like to reassure him that I love him.  If I am in the wrong (even though I have a bunch of legitimate excuses), I feel embarassed and guilty but then I guess I cover it up with being clingy.

Maybe this is why he thinks I act funny, seem like I want to say something, or appear lost sometimes.  I guess - now that I'm really thinking about it - it's because I expect him to do something like give me a warning or actually spank me for it, but he usually doesn't because he has already moved on but I haven't. 

Wow, I think I just experienced a break through in learning more about myself.  Does that mean I know what to do about it?  Absolutely not.  But I suppose it's a start...

Update: I decided to let my fiancé, Tom, read this before I posted it and afterwards we talked more about what happened. He has made it clear that he does not approve of me lying to him and he believes what was even worse was the fact that I didn't even realize or hesitate when I did it. He also believes that I have probably done something similar to this before now, and unfortunately, I think he is right. If I don't want to talk about something, then I tend to divert the conversation by putting focus on something else that may be bothering me but it isn't the issue in the moment. I grew up where lying by omission is still considered lying, so I should know better.  I think I also do it to avoid a disagreement and possibly to avoid hurting his feelings. But avoiding communication is NOT good for any relationship no matter what the reasoning is.  And as he puts it, "how can I try to fix something that I don't even know is a problem?" Again, he is right.

I told him quietly that I think I want to be spanked for this. This isn't something we just made up to have a scene. This is real...real issues, real guilt, real emotional involvement on both sides. I just wish we could do something about it now rather than later, but I really don't need to risk being marked before my follow-up appointment on Wednesday with the gyno, especially since she will definitely have a view of my butt when I am on the exam table.

Tom promises me that I am "gonna get it" but it'll have to wait until after Wednesday's appointment and when we have some privacy.  Now, I get to feel guilty, anxious, excited, nervous, and who knows what else for the next week...