What do you want?

Please bear with me while I follow this line of Q&A-type thinking.  This is more or less a conversation between the love of my life and myself that we actually haven’t had.  No, I'm not crazy...or maybe no crazier than the next person, and if we're both/all crazy, then I consider myself in excellent company. :-) Also, I apologize in advance for foregoing some things, like quotation marks and such.

What do you want?

That is a question I have heard fairly often.  Simple enough, right?  What do you want to eat, what do you want to do, what do you want out of life?  Apparently, I am a pretty indecisive person because most of the time I just don't know the answers to any of that.  My response is usually in the form of an indifferent, indecisive shrug of the shoulders and a glance at the floor.  Let me guess - it looks like I don’t care, right? So of course, you feel frustrated, confused, impatient?

Now, you may think I'm purposefully being unhelpful or defiant in not answering.  Perhaps I’m just being a woman or maybe it’s my time of the month?  But how do you think I really feel when I can't provide you with an answer?  Embarrassed, shy, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, vulnerable. Okay, so I'm not perfect and I don't have all the answers in life.

Let's try narrowing the topic...what do you want out of being spanked?  Is that specific enough for you, Jay?  Can you answer that?

What? Why are we still talking about me?

Aha!  And, that is the root of our problem.  You clam up when we try to talk about what you want/desire/need.  Why is it so hard for you to talk about the real you?  What’s the matter?

I don't know.

All right then, what do you know?

I know I like walking in the park, going to the movies, and playing video games.  I know I’m in love with you, and I know I trust you.  I know I enjoy thinking about being spanked, writing about being spanked, and actually being spanked.

What do I want out of being spanked?  I want to hand over control to you.  I do not want to make any decisions.  I do not want to think.  I want to let go.  I want you to love me and take care of me when I am weak and vulnerable.  I want to be accepted as I am, flaws and all.  I want to release, to cry if the need arises.  Sometimes I want to talk and sometimes I don’t.  I want to be held and comforted.  I want to feel that you’ve got me and be reassured that you aren’t going anywhere.  I want to feel like I’m worthwhile.

What do I want out of life?  I don’t want to be rich, but I’d like to live comfortably.  I don’t want to forget to pause and enjoy the moment every once in a while.  I want us to always be open with each other.  I want us to not only be lovers but also best friends.  I want to experience life together and grow old with you, hand-in-hand.

What do I want to do?  I want to do a lot of things, however, time and money are not always on my side.

What do I want to eat? A chicken strip combo from Bojangle’s (too bad the nearest one is 276 miles away)

So, what do I want?  I want it all.  Is that too much to ask?  Maybe now you know why I’m so indecisive.

Heck, even in my mind, I sound too needy.  Am I being too hard on myself?  How do I know if I’m worth it?  You’d swear that I had parents, an ex, or some crazy event that royally messed with my self-image, but I didn’t…this is all me.

Just to clarify again.  My fiancé and I haven’t actually had this conversation to this extent and we are doing just fine.  :-)  He did ask the initial question the other day and so it’s taken me a while to think about it.  Unfortunately, I’ve done all the communicating in my own head, but never fear, my love will read this and I’m sure we will talk about it soon.

In the mean time, feel free to comment and/or provide your own answer to any of the questions presented in this post.