Just when you think things will start to settle down. Everything changes...again.

I took a break from blogging because I didn't know what I did or did not want to share with the online world.  One of the things I love about Erica's blog is how real she is.  She doesn't hide much about who she is or how she feels.  I've taken a leaf out of her book and tried to do that here.  I want my readers to know me.  I want to share my experiences and talk about life (and when life includes spanking, I like to share that too).  I do keep names out of my blog to protect my family, friends, and professional life, but even my nickname, Jay, is real.  So, that's why I don't only talk about spanking and create exciting stories.  Some days, it's just about reality... 

Last Tuesday, we received a message from the boys' father and stepmother.  They would be arriving that evening and needed a place to stay for at least a week.  We had no idea what their plan was but we said that they could stay for a little while.  All week they have been dropping of applications for jobs all over town with hopes of getting a job local to us.  They want to start renting in town and then eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later) settle down enough to take the boys back.  We have been going over routines and they can see how much the boys have changed.  The older one can still be a bit hyper, but overall he has grown a lot over the time we've had him. 

The issues now? 

1) The parents have helped take care of the kids and clean around the house since they arrived, but they absolutely have to get jobs. When it was just the two of us, we had to budget but we could afford to go to the movies and eat out every now and then while still catching up on bills.  When the kids moved in, we had to cut out everything extra.  I have very little in emergency savings and everything else that comes in goes out immediately.  My fiancé took an hourly job so he could be guaranteed a check every week and so that he could be home to help me with the kids, but we still have business debts that we are slowly paying off.  Plus, I'm still paying off student loans and bills from remodeling our house.  Now throw in feeding the kids, school expenses, and extra curriculars.  We were only just getting by with help from the other brother.  Now that it seems the parents are ready to settle down, maybe things will work themselves out and money will come from where it is supposed to...not to mention, we CANNOT afford to keep feeding the parents in addition to everyone else. 

2) Our game room is now being used as a makeshift bedroom/storage room for all of their things.  This was where we could play darts and I could get spanked with something other than a cane because sound doesn't travel well through brick walls.  Now, however, there is barely any room to move because when the parents arrived they brought everything they had carry in the vehicle that dropped them off.  As long as it's temporary, it's really not that big of deal. 

3) My parents are driving me nuts because they want to know what's going on all the time.  We understand their concern...but damn, calm down! 

4) Spanking greatly decreased in the last few weeks especially with relatives visiting and two more people in the house, which makes for relieving any of my stress impossible. Last night, we tried to get in a little play time with the cane, but it's honestly just too much for me because we don't have the privacy, time, or energy to put in the effort to do a nice warm up and build up to the harder play that I need right now. 

5) "What's wrong?  Talk to me." I've been hearing that a lot lately.  My fiancé can tell there is something up but isn't sure what.  It makes it really hard to talk to him when I can't even put what I'm feeling into words.  I think I finally figured it out last night while talking to him, but realizing what is bothering me doesn't make me feel any better about it.  In fact, knowing what's up just makes me feel guilty.  So what is it?  I am jealous, but not in the way you would normally think.  I'm not jealous of another woman. I am jealous of the time that he has to give others. We do not get to spend nearly as much time together anymore which is causing me to feel like something is missing, that I'm being left out, and that he doesn't care about me as much as he used to.  I didn't notice it at first and when I finally realized something was bothering me I just couldn't figure out what it was.  I love the boys even though they are handfuls.  I love my fiancé's family, so why was I feeling so dreadfully down?  It's simply because we went from just you and me to you, the boys, random visits from relatives on both sides, the boys' parents, and me.  We end up spending all our energy and efforts on other people so that when we finally have time for us, our nerves are frayed and we have little to no patience with each other.  As a result of all the stress and hurt feelings, I've been depressed, more emotional, can't concentrate, and am easily irritated.  But, I put on a pretty good front and only my fiancé has been very aware that I seemed depressed...or as he put it, "It looks like you hate your life." No, I don't hate my life.  I love my life and all its craziness.  We have just been through a ridiculous amount of stuff in a very short period of time...I mean who wouldn't get edgy? 

6) I have to have minor surgery during the Thanksgiving break.  It's an out-patient procedure, and I will have to be knocked out.  I've never been knocked out before and even though I'm glad I will be (because I definitely do not want to be awake for this), I'm scared.  I'm refusing to think about it because every time I do I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.  Irrational? Of course, I'm being irrational which is why I won't think about it.  Actually, reading about Erica's recent surgery has made me feel a lot better about mine.  Not because the surgeries are at all similar (mine is pretty simple - LEEP treatment to remove precancerous cells)...but it's because she had a surgery and is OK, so I will be too.  

(I will add links later when I have access to my computer.)