Finding a Balance

When I was little (eight or younger), I've been told I was a very brave and outgoing little girl.  Then, we moved from upstate New York to the South.  That's when I became who I remember - shy and reserved, but still independent and strong-willed.  Not to say there is anything wrong with the south, but to a young girl it was definitely a culture shock.  Remembering back, I was always very good at holding my own with the boys.  They couldn't bully me and I could keep up with the best of them. With other girls, it was a different story.  I couldn't stand up for myself and was bullied most of my 6th grade year by girls who were friends before and after that year.

Fast forward a few years and I no longer had a problem with bullies and even developed a few friendships with other girls who were more like me - tomboys, wore jeans and t-shirts, and played video games.  I also joined the band and fell right into several leadership positions over the years.  I remained rather quiet and reserved, yet through being a leader and doing well in school, my confidence in myself started to grow and I became more outgoing again.

In college, I had to work harder to keep my grades where I wanted them and I used band as a break to keep me sane.  Eventually I did have to let go of band because of the ton of time it took up.  During summers, I interned at NASA and was beginning to think almost anything was possible.  That dream lasted until I came back for what should have been my graduating year.  I had just broken up with my then long-term boyfriend and returned to college to start the two most difficult classes I had ever been in.  At some point during the quarter, I truly believed I was going to fail both of them.  I couldn't drop/withdraw from either of them because I would fall under full-time hours, so I was stuck.  By some miracle, I managed to just pass one of the two classes, but miserably failed the second one.  I know some people think, "No big deal just try harder next time," and although that is exactly what I ended up doing, I was devastated.

So, why am I bringing any of this up?  Because I changed that day. Maybe I became more realistic.  I lost that childhood belief that you can do anything. My self-confidence took a major hit.  Suddenly the world got very small and I realized you can't do anything.  When it came time to take the class again, I literally had to drop everything to pass it.  The class average was in the 60's and I was hovering just above it.  This was the only thing left to graduate, so I threw all my time at it.  The final came around the week before graduation and I was probably never more prepared for an exam.  I handed it in and felt pretty confident.  I passed the final with an 88 B and passed the class with a C.  Great, right?  Nope, not to me.  I gave it my all but what I found out was, the professor made the final easier so that unless I (and the one other student who had to re-take it) really had absolutely zero grasp on the class, I could definitely pass it.  What does that tell me?  That I really don't know much beyond the basics and it's like the professor didn't even have much confidence in me.

With little to no self-confidence, I took a job in town where I knew it would be relatively safe in that they wouldn't expect the moon from me.  I gave up on doing anything more challenging and gravitated away from anything that made me directly responsible for anyone or anything else.  It's been 2 years and 9 months since I started working full time.  I have grown a lot, made mistakes, and am slowly gaining confidence in my work-related capabilities.

At home, my confidence is all over the place.  One minute I'm very sure of myself, the next I feel like I don't know anything.  My fiancé tells me it's like I'm walking on eggshells around him.  He says that it almost seems like I fear him and it's preventing me from communicating with him.  I've thought about it, and I think the problem is that I want to avoid confrontation.  I don't just say what's on my mind because I don't want to feel judged, rejected, or ignored which can all lead to hurt feelings and confrontation.  Has he done this?  It's not like it is ever on purpose and it is usually never the intent, but every time it happens, my self-worth takes a hit albeit a small one.  I probably just take things too personally.

Another issue we are trying to overcome has to do with my parents.  I am caught in the middle.  Most of the time I feel like I'm doing a decent job of it, but then sometimes things blow up.  There are too many people trying to control everything.  I'm getting better at pulling away and speaking my mind with my parents, but I honestly feel like a rebelling teenager.  They have always done a lot for me and until now have always let me stretch my wings.  They have high expectations and some days those expectations make me feel so trapped.  I think it is getting better...at least I hope it is, but it is slow going and stressful in the mean time.

Yet something else that bothers my fiancé is my tendency to blame myself for everything.  Guilt, blaming myself, goes hand-in-hand with all my insecurities.  It's my fault, I could have done something to change it, I'm sorry.  Who would want to spank someone who feels like this?  Someone who seems this fragile and already broken?  Stepping back, I can see his point.  Keep in mind he wasn't a spanko before I brought it up and still sees spanking as possibly hurting and maybe even degrading to the spankee.  So, when he spanks me (not for foreplay), it would be like kicking someone when they're already down.  I don't see it as that.

I see spanking as a way to release and refocus.  I feel I need a spanking the most when I'm already on the verge of breaking down.  The reason why doesn't necessarily matter at this point.  All I know at that moment is that I'm hurting emotionally in my head and in my heart and I'm fighting to maintain control. A spanking at this point would be the push I need to let go of control (being held in position), release the emotional pain (tears or not), and be completely focused on the here and now (reddening bare bottom).  After all, what choice would I have if my ass is being lit up?  This view is hard for him to see as helping my well-being.  He is not judgmental about it at all, but since he cannot see it the way I see it, he doesn't automatically think about spanking when I do or the way I do.  That leaves me feeling lost...and so I tend to mope which he absolutely doesn't like because he thinks I'm upset with him when really I'm just confused and unsure about everything.  He really doesn't know what I want/need from him.

Since April of this year, I've been writing to him in a private journal that he will read when I add new entries, but we've never sat down together and re-read from the beginning.  I think that might be part of the problem of not knowing what to do or try next.  In my mind, I've written it down so therefore we've talked about it and if you haven't done anything about it then you don't like to or don’t want to do it. However, in his mind, I read it once and then didn't think about it again...not that I don't care, I just didn't think about it after reading it.  So, we have accidentally encountered a temporary impasse.  There were some pretty active feedback entries on my part in that journal and I think if we took some time to look back we might find out how to move forward. We need to work together.  He has told me that where I am weak, he is strong and where he is weak, I am strong.  Sometimes I think we forget this and rather than help each other, we work against each other. We also need to find a balance of give and take with TTWD because neither of us want to change who we are and lose ourselves in the process.