The wonders of lurking...

I've been aimlessly wandering through blogland recently. I'll click on a link, usually through Bonnie's MBS blog, and read about someone else's experiences. I might stick around for a few minutes reading recent posts and then I'll click on the next one and repeat the process. So, what am I doing? What am I looking for? I guess I'm just trying to gain perspective. I want to see what might or what might not be working for other couples in TTWD. I'm looking for things I might want to discuss, but maybe most of all...I'm still trying to convince myself I'm not alone in how I think, how I feel, and what I want.

I'm finding that not only do a lot of us share this desire to be spanked, but we also share a lot of other things that come with TTWD. We have the same relationship caveats, the same fears, doubts, and confusion regarding roles and expectations. I see the lulls in relationships where nothing happens and the highs where everything is perfect. I see the fear and doubt bubble up into an overwhelming sense of being lost when things are confusing - am I doing something wrong? is it enough? maybe I'm expecting too much?

Each person feels at fault when things don't go as expected, when you both aren't on the same page. It's amazing that the feelings are the same whether you are the Top or the bottom - only the perspective is different. It's all there - fear, doubt, loss of self-confidence, not being enough, general confusion. It seems that relationships in TTWD are indeed stronger and more open, but with the extreme highs, we can also experience extreme lows. It all sounds like a terrifying roller coaster of trust. So, the questions are...what do you want? Can we compromise when we don't agree? Is it worth it?

How will you know any of those answers if you don't communicate?

I know it's easier said than done. I'm not writing/typing this for all of you because I magically know all the answers. I'm actually talking about this for me because I don't have all the answers. I still don't know what exactly it is that I want, I'm not sure what it is that I need, and I have no idea what the difference is between what I want vs. what I need or how to communicate any of it effectively.

It all works so seamlessly in my fantasies, but even I'm not the same person in my fantasies as I am in reality. Role playing doesn't work for me because I have never been able to act like someone I'm not. I'm not the college student with bad behavior problems, I'm not the secretary who makes an abundance of typos, and I'm not the naughty wife who pays bills late or flirts with random guys. Now, please don't misunderstand me. I know I am far from being perfect.

At home, I can think things to death before coming up with an answer. I am the type of person who will drop everything to help someone else. I lack self-confidence in many things I do. I'm shy about what I want and unsure about what I need. I fear the unknown and too much change makes me nervous. At work, it's another story. I project confidence and do what's needed to get the job done. If I don't know the answer, I'll ask someone. If they don't know, then I'll research and discuss any issues with the customer.

How can I be these two very different people? I don't even know when the switch occurs. When I get home, the change isn't immediate, but it definitely leaves me feeling lost and confused. I just don't know what to expect.

Am I submissive? I know I act like I am, but it really depends on the situation. Do I want him to be the only one in control? Sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes I want to have fun. Sometimes I want to be punished (for what I have no clue). Mostly I want him to know what I want and to be able to give it to me.