Friday, September 26, 2014


My fiancé’s dad passed away from injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident last Saturday.  He was on vacation heading to California.  He made it about halfway before the unthinkable happened.  The news media says he failed to negotiate a turn, yet the crash report doesn't even mention a turn other than it occurred near the exit.  From what I can only guess right now, he should have been about ready to take an exit to fill up, so it is possible he was in the turn on the exit ramp (which the damn report should have said). We are going to the funeral tomorrow.  After the funeral, I plan on making phone calls to get the secondary report which is supposed to include a diagram of the scene and I also want to see the autopsy report.  Most of us are still in a state of disbelief and want to know what happened.  He has been riding for 50 it's hard to believe that he simply made a mistake.

We are all in various stages of grieving.  I'm fine one minute, extremely sad and filled with regret the next, and then I'll deal with flashes of anger.

The regret is for things we didn't have time to say, for things we won't be able to say from now on, and for just not having more time with him. He welcomed me into the family and never made me feel left out or overlooked.  He appreciated me for me.

The anger...anger at who?  No one in particular.  Angry at the crash report for stating the accident was in the eastbound lane when he was travelling west...not to mention the news media is reporting westbound lane.  Angry that we can't find a Will - people who matter are not fighting at's the people who don't matter who think they are entitled to something.  Angry that we had to cremate him before we could say goodbye - do I want to look at the body? No, but sometimes that's how one can get closure.

He was at our house just last Tuesday, smiling and laughing.  He had all his teeth removed in December and just got his new teeth in Thursday.  He left in high spirits to go see one of his other sons and to meet up with a brother he hadn't seen in 28 years.

He sent a text to us at 2:13pm last Friday.  It said, "And we're off."  He also attached a photo of a motorcycle bear that I gave him last year, so "we" meant him and the bear.

I replied, "Cool! Have a safe trip!"

I didn't say, "We love you," because I didn't think about it.  My last words seem hollow to me because it was a hurried reply while I was picking up his grandsons from school.  I'm upset that I didn't say more.  It just never occurred to me that we might not see him again.

I posted the following on Facebook.

To my second dad, TF III (June 30, 1958 - September 20, 2014),
I've only known you a couple of years, Dad, but you made me feel loved, appreciated, and like I was a member of the family. You were at our home, TF IV's and mine, many times. The fatherly advice was always appreciated but more importantly the open arms, hugs, genuine respect, and encouragement you gave us will be carried in our hearts forever. We will miss waiting on a text or a call that says, "I'm on my way."
You told me many times, "Thanks for loving my son and being there for him!" and "Take care of my baby boy!" Please know that I am. You made our lives better because you were always there! Rest well and may you continue to watch over us and guide us. We will always need you!
We will always love and miss you!


  1. Jay: I've had several parents, parents-in-law and step-parents die. (In my case, I'm blessed. Never too many.) Anyway, none suddenly so I don't know your shoes' fit personally. That said, the crazy, abrupt mood swings and seeming out of nowhere anger are familiar, very familiar.
    The only thing I've ever found that helps in personal emotional trauma is talking, reaching out when possible, and even support groups. As a guy I do bottle up emotions but when they get this bad it just doesn't work.
    Oh, and don't deny your emotions. Nothing wrong with them including the anger.

    IMHO, Jon

  2. I am so, so sorry, Jay. When someone is ripped from your life so suddenly and tragically, it's a great shock. Believe me, I know. You will feel myriad emotions, one after the other, and they are all normal. Please be gentle with yourself in the coming days. My condolences for your loss, and to your fiancé and his family.

  3. Jay,
    I can only echo Erica's gentle with yourself and those around you. In time the hurt and grief will be replaced by memories that he died doing what he loved secure in the knowledge that those around him loved and held him close.
    May blessings be upon you and all your family

  4. I know it doesn't give much comfort to get condolences from strangers on the internet, but I just thought I'd let you know my heart hurts for you. And not the fleeting kind of hurt that will be forgotten as soon as I read the next blog on my list; I honestly will include you in my prayers for the next while. I will be sending comforting and healing thoughts your way. It will take some time for you to find a new normal, and things will seem so out of place and painful until you do...I am truly sorry for your loss.

  5. Oh Jay, I am so very sorry for you and your fiance and whole family. I hadn't checked on your site for a little while and boy, this was a terrible shocker. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know you are all going through hell right now, Hang in there.

  6. Thank you, everyone, for your support, thoughts, and prayers!

    Jon - We did a lot of talking and hanging out with family this weekend and I think it really helped everyone. It definitely gets difficult to keep one's emotions under control when no one else is around.

    Erica - Thank you. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed and feel or not feel, but I can't because I have to get up and go to work and help take care of the two boys. I feel that I have to be the stronger one and the one who keeps a levelhead right now. It's hard, but I'm doing the best I can.

    Downunder Don - We do know he was doing something he loved and that he was looking forward to this vacation. It's just still hard to believe he isn't here anymore.

    Brat - It does help hearing from all of you. Oddly enough, those that read this blog tend to know a bit more about me than some people I know in-person, so it means a lot when everyone takes the time to offer support.

    Livia - We are definitely hanging in there and swinging between moments of normalcy and emotional chaos, but we're getting through it slowly. I did purchase Securing It All when it was released, but I definitely haven't made much headway in reading lately.


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