I found you.

-- Just so everyone is on the same page. A majority of the dialogue from the following story has come directly from discussions my fiancé and I have had, however, the actual scene and how it plays out with spanking involved has not happened.  Maybe it will eventually and I really hope it does. At the moment, we still have a couple of guests so we aren't back to normal just yet. --  

With a sigh, I slump down on the couch. I'm feeling restless.  I want to get up and do something, but then again, I don't feel like doing anything at all.  I turn on the TV and start channel surfing hoping to find something, anything to distract me.  Alas, over a 150 channels and nothing has even remotely piqued my interest, so I just randomly pick a channel.  I stare at whatever is playing but I'm no longer paying attention.  I drag myself off the couch and decide to start a load of laundry and do the dishes...I might as well be constructive while I mope. 

When I'm done with the dishes, I return to the couch feeling just as restless as I had earlier.  At that moment, I hear the love of my life open the door.  As he rounds the corner into the living room, I quickly put on a smile after all he's not why I'm in a mood and I am happy to see him.  He returns the smile and asks, "How was your day?" 

I reply, "Mm, all right I guess."  I mean nothing unusual happened.  It was just a normal day, except for this depressing cloud that seems to hovering around my head.  "What about your day?" 

He sets his paperwork down on the countertop and joins me on the couch.  He starts to show me photos on his phone of the progress he is making at his current remodeling job.  After a few moments, it becomes apparent to him that I seem distracted.  He asks, "What's the matter?" 

With a shrug, I reply, "I don't know.  Just feeling restless...and depressed." 

"About what?" 

"Not a clue," I sigh.  It's just the same old worries and fears but a different day.  Why bother mentioning it again? 

He looks at me carefully and says, "You cannot look this gloomy and not know what's wrong."  Jokingly, he adds, "Don't lie to me." 

Suddenly defensive, I argue, "I'm not lying to you."  Then, knowing full well what I'm about to do, I scathingly add, "If I knew, I'd damn well tell you!" 

As soon as I shut my mouth, guilt (from lashing out) and doubt (from being unsure if I really wanted to go where this was inevitably heading) join the mix of emotions running through my head. I used to just not say anything at all and keep everything inside, but that would lead to me shutting down and not talking about it ever.  Now, I find myself reacting verbally first without thinking so that we can try to deal with things (attitude and all) in the moment.  Why can't I just talk? 

I look away and try to calm down while he watches me.  He can see I'm frustrated and upset.  His demeanor changes.  He takes control of the situation.  "Before we let this conversation turn into another pointless argument, I think I owe you a long and thorough spanking." 

Long and thorough? I figured on a spanking for my current attitude, but somehow I don't think we're on the same page.  I voice my confusion, "What for?" 

"For what we talked about the other day after our last disagreement and what you have blogged about a few times. You have repeatedly mentioned a fear of rejection and a fear that I'll just get up and leave.  I've decided to start handling those concerns right now.  I intend to do my best to make you realize that 1) I will not reject you and 2) I'm not going anywhere.  I've tried telling you, but that just doesn't seem to get through to you."
 

My heart starts pounding.  After a pause and no response from me, he adds, "Bring me the spanking buddy and the hairbrush." 

I hesitate.  He says, "I would hurry up if I were you.  Otherwise, I'll go get them and I'll add the big wooden paddle to the list." 

I get up from the couch and head to the bedroom to retrieve the items.  I feel a slight excitement knowing what's in store. Even though I am hurrying, it takes a moment to find what I'm looking for since we haven't really decided on one place to put everything.  From the other room, I hear, "Since it's taking so long, bring the shorter cane, too."

I quickly find everything and return to the living room.  

He stands up, takes the implements from me, and places them on the couch.  His eyes find mine and after a moment, he pulls me into a hug.  "I love you with all my heart." 

Squeezing my arms around him, I whisper back, "I love you with all my heart, too." 

He pulls out of the hug and sits down on the couch.  "Time to lose the jeans." 

I pull my jeans down and stand closer to him.  Reaching out, he takes my hand and kisses it.  Then, he guides me facedown over his lap.  He rubs my bottom and tells me to turn my head so he can see my face.  I close my eyes and turn my head.  He asks me, "Why do you close your eyes?" 

After thinking about it, I answer truthfully, "Because I'm hiding." 

"Are you hiding from me?" 

"Yes...no..." 

"What are you hiding from?" 

Thinking - from being depressed and vulnerable, from fear and guilt, from doubt and pain, from you and me.  Damn, here we go again...why am I so fucking weak?!  Eyes still shut, I let out an exasperated sigh and answer, "Everything." 

"OK, let's see if I can find you."  He starts spanking me with his hand.  Slowly and gently, he works his way all over my bottom.  It feels good and doesn't hurt yet.  I appreciate he decided to start like this.  After a couple of minutes, he pauses to rub and then pulls down my panties.  The hand spanking resumes and he builds up the intensity over the next few minutes, warming me up nicely. 

He decides it's time for the spanking buddy.  The first smack is definitely more intense than his hand alone.  He mixes slow, deliberate smacks with a few in quick succession.  He continues for a while evenly darkening the pink hue of my rearend.  He pauses to ask, "How do you feel?" 

"Warm..." Spanking harder - Smack, smack, smack, smack. 

 I know your backside is warm and we certainly aren't done yet. (smack) I meant do you feel how much I love you?  Are you beginning to realize that I love you no matter what?  Do you understand that I want you to always be able to talk to me?  I accept you for who you are." 

I don't reply.  He pulls off the spanking buddy and picks up the hairbrush.  He smacks each cheek a few times to get my attention before asking, "Are you listening to me?" and follows up with two more each. 

Stubbornly, I remain silent. So he just steps it up with a flurry of three here then three there and repeat. I start wiggling and I gasp, "Yes, Sir!" 

"Good." He finds a steady, but intense rythm and begins talking while spanking.  "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.  You push me to be a better person without even trying.  I see how much you love me in the little things you do every day.  Why would you ever think that I'm going to just leave and not come back?"  My eyes start to water. 

"Ouch! I don't know! Ow!"  He pauses. "I guess I thought you would just get tired of me one day.  That you would decide I was too clingy or too needy or that my parents are too involved in my life for you to handle.  That I wouldn't be worth the work involved to keep our relationship strong."  I start crying. 

He begins spanking again, "You are worth the sun, the moon, and all the stars combined.  You are the best thing that's ever happend to me.  Also, how could I ever reject someone who is so beautiful inside and out?  You are the most giving person I have ever met." I start crying harder. 

He pauses to rub my back and bottom, "Let it go, Baby, because, like it or not, I'm not going anywhere."  I manage to chuckle a little even through my tears. 

He tosses the hairbrush aside and picks up the cane.  "I'm going to end with 'my nine' using the cane."  I nod and he begins to work his way slowly through the nine from the top of my bottom down to my sit spots adjusting the intensity based on my reactions and making sure it hurts but isn't too much. I can't count so he has to tell me, "That was nine, Honey. Come here."  He rubs my bottom while he holds me close. I feel safe.

When my breathing returns to normal, I slowly look up at him. After wiping away what's left of the tears on my face, his eyes find mine and he whispers, "I found you."