Forever and Always, cont.

This is a fictional story continued from last week's post.
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My forehead is pressed against the hallway corner and my ass is still warm from the spanking you gave me a few minutes ago. You told me that you never stopped loving me. I do believe you, but I can't help wondering how you could put me through so much heartache. I was in so much emotional pain when I thought you had been taken away from me. It scares me still to know that you could do something without thinking of the possible consequences and not come home...not come back to me. Why? There’s just no way it could have been worth it to you. I don’t want to go through that again. I want to move passed it and I’m working on it, but you are going to have to help me. I can’t do it alone.

I know why I’m tired a lot and I know why I don’t want to do the things I used to...because you are right - I am afraid. I’m afraid of caring too much and afraid of losing you. I’m afraid of getting hurt - my heart was broken and I’m not back to normal, yet. I still get anxious, angry, and depressed at times.

In hindsight, I stopped doing my normal things (like video games, darts, blogging, etc.) because in my mind they just aren’t worth my time when I could be in your arms where I can still feel protected and like you aren’t going anywhere. That’s where I feel safe. I’m not ready to do other things yet. We are moving slowly and I need that right now. I just wish I knew how to tell you all of this so that you’d understand where I’m coming from, because I’ve never stopped loving you either.

Those moments where I can’t look at you...aren’t because I don’t love you or have stopped loving you or have given up. I can’t look at you because of me...because I truly believe that I am not worth the trouble. My heart, mind, and soul are so fragile right now...why would anyone bother, why would anyone want to take care of, to love, to cherish, to protect me? It’s too much hassle, too much work, too much to ask. So, I look down and cry….broken, weak, and worthless….so much for that strong, independent young woman.

I have no doubt that I will be that person again...maybe not as young and maybe a little stronger, but I do know that it’s going to take time.

You once compared addiction to something like cancer. You asked, “If I got cancer, does that mean you’d stop loving me?” The answer is no. I would still love you if you had cancer. Just like I still love you today. I believe we will get through today for a better tomorrow, but I ask you the same thing...only I’ll compare being broken and afraid to being really sick. Would you leave my bedside and stop loving me?

You often ask me what's wrong and want me to talk to you, but I don't want to sound like I'm always nagging and complaining. I don't want you to get defensive. I don't want you to think that you’re not doing anything right. I see you trying and I even see you adjusting. The things that I don't like or would like to change are things that would ultimately protect you, protect us from things that could go wrong and be out of our control. You don't think we can control others...you’re right, but we can control enough of what we say and do to make a difference.

I don't want to look back with regret and say, “That's the day I lost you,” I want to look back with pride and say, “That's the day we found us again. That's when we put ourselves and our relationship on the top of our priority list.”

I guess the answer to your question of, “Why have you stopped…?” is so much more than, “I just don't feel like it, I don't know, or I'm afraid.”

So, how do I explain this to you? Maybe I need to do something I used to do...I’ll type up a blog entry, then you'll read it and we’ll talk about it.

From the corner, I call out, "Honey?"

"Yes, Love?"

"May I go publish a blog post? I think it'll help me gather my thoughts."

After a pause, "Yes, you may, but I better not catch you reading other stories."

"Yes, Sir."

As I turn around to head to the computer desk and start to pass our bedroom door, you arrive with our new leather paddle in hand. "Before you go, why don't you bend over so I can make sure you're sitting on a freshly warmed behind while you type."

Yikes! I bend over with my hands on my knees and he places his hand on my lower back.

He delivers nine solid whacks. Then, he sends me on my way with a kiss.

The cool leather computer chair is actually quite soothing while I start putting together my thoughts.

...to be continued.

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Wow, this story that I’ve created with it’s made up corner time actually worked very well for figuring out how to share what I'm feeling.

Forever and Always

I used to write stories of events that actually haven't happened outside of my head.  These were usually stories of things that I might have liked to have happened...for instance, if I wanted a conversation to go a certain way between Tom and myself, then I would make up a dialogue and scene to go with it. After reading it, Tom would understand where I'm coming from a little better and then we could have a conversation about it. This is one of those stories.

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“Come with me.” Your expression tells me I shouldn’t argue, and you hold out your hand expectantly.

I’m not exactly sure what to think. Slowly, I reach out and you take my hand. You turn and you pull me toward our bedroom. You take me to the bench at the end of our bed and sit down before pulling me over your lap. Lots of emotions are running through my head - anxiety, excitement, slight confusion, and yes, even a little fear.

You rest your left hand on my waist and your other hand starts caressing my bottom. “I think it’s time for a change. You haven’t had quality time over my knee in a while, so I’m going to change that.”

“Umm…” You pop my bottom hard three times, but they don’t really make much of an impression as my jeans are still on.

“All I want to hear from you right now is, ‘Yes, Sir.’”

“Yes, Sir,” I reply quietly.

“Stand up for a minute.” You unbuckle my belt and undo the button on my jeans. Then, you slide them down to my ankles and tip me back over.

You start spanking in a light and playful manner at first. A couple of minutes go by before you say, “I know you miss this.” I nod even though it wasn’t a question. “Lift up a bit, My Love.” He slides my panties down and massages my cheeks. “You aren’t even pink, yet. Let’s try to fix that.”

You start spanking again but harder this time.  Another minute or two passes.

“You don’t blog or talk about this as much anymore. Why do you think that is?”

I just shrug my shoulders. The next volley comes hard and fast from your strong hand. “Yes, you do know.”

You pause to grab something behind you. I don’t know what it is, but I have a feeling that I’m about to find out. Smack! “Oh!” It’s definitely made of wood.

Smack! “I think you’re afraid, but I’m just not sure what you are afraid of… Are you afraid of me?”

Smack “No! Ow!”

Smack! “Then, what are you afraid of?”

Smack! “I guess I’m afraid of getting hurt.” You pause and I can tell you are wondering if you are hurting me now.

Rubbing my lower back, you ask, “Does that mean you don’t trust me anymore? That you don’t trust me not to hurt you?”

“I do trust you...I just feel that it’s been so long since we’ve played that maybe my pain tolerance isn’t what it was and you may not remember that I’ll need a warm up. Also, I don’t always want to put any expectations on either of us when it comes to playing. And, I really don’t know how to tell you exactly what I want when I’m not sure myself.”

You start rubbing my bottom again which is starting to feel really good. “I guess it’s just become easier to not say anything whether it’s online, in a journal, or when we’re talking. I know I don’t want this to become repetitive to where either of us get bored....and I don’t want it to always be predictable.”

“Like this?” My rear is met with a quick few swats.

“Mhm... Sometimes I would like a spanking to be for fun or be more serious or be for naughty reasons. Sometimes I’d like more of a warm-up and/or more aftercare.” You throw in three hard and fast swats for each cheek.

“Guilt! Guilt is another reason. I feel guilty for wanting all of this in the first place. I know it isn’t easy for you. I think about spanking a lot and see lots of opportunities for it, but I know you mainly associate it with love making. I don’t want to burden you with something that I think I want...it’s not a need after all.”

You pause again, “Do you like giving blow jobs?”

“You know I told you that I used to hate giving them.”

“But you give me head and do it quite well for someone who can’t stand it. Why do you do that for me?”

“Because I love you and because I know you enjoy it.” You pick up the brush or paddle, again. “Oh! Ouch!”

“Exactly, so what makes you think I wouldn’t do the same for you and for the same reasons?”

“Yikes! Because… I know I’m not worth the effort!” My eyes start watering.

“That’s it. Stand up and look at me.” With tears in my eyes, I slowly look up at you. You hold my face in your hands as you look back at me. “I love you with all my heart. You mean the world to me. You need to stop thinking so badly of yourself.” You pull me in close for a firm hug that makes me feel protected.

“I want you to spend a few minutes in the corner in the hallway by our bedroom door. Put your hands behind your back holding your elbows, feet apart, and forehead against the corner. I’m going to fix the bed and then I’ll come get you. I am sorry that this year has been so rough on us and especially on you. I know it may not have seemed like it, but I need you to know that I’ve never stopped loving you. I want to be here to love, cherish, and protect you forever and always. Use this time to think about what I’ve said.”

“Yes, Sir,” as I turn to obey, he smacks my retreating rear.

...to be continued.

Untitled

I'm really not sure why it is so difficult to sit down and come up with a post these days. This time last year I was posting about once a week. How can I go from once a week to once a month or less?

Honestly, I think it's become difficult to share things...to open up. I don't want to complain about things because it sounds like I'm nagging. I also don't want to make a huge deal out of good things because ...maybe, I'm just afraid that they won't happen again if I mention it a lot. So, I end up not saying or sharing anything.

Where's the middle ground?

Why have I pulled away from blogging?

I do think about it at least once a week, but it's like I'm afraid to jump back in. (sigh) I'm afraid of sounding like a broken record. Sometimes I'll read some of my older posts and think, “I still feel that way,” or “that hasn't changed.” Sometimes I feel like I've lost something...like I'm missing a good friend that's moved away.

I don't know how to talk about it because I don't know what it is.

I sound really bummed out, but actually things are going pretty well right now. Work isn't bad...a little busy at the moment, but I think I can handle it. Our families seem to be doing well or at least getting better. I think Tom and I are going to try to hang out more with one of my old friends and her boy friend. We got together a couple of weeks ago for her birthday and had a good time. I think we will plan another date night in a week or so.

I've started reading Livia Grant's the Passion Series again...I really don't know what it is about this series. I feel so connected to it, so emotionally involved, that the characters just come to life for me. The next book in the series will hopefully be released soon. I know I can't wait!

This post sounds ridiculously random to me, so I think I'll stop here and get some sleep.