Don't shutdown and don't give up.

First, I want to thank everyone who has stopped by to leave a comment and provide support. Believe me, it helps and means a lot to know that you all are out there reading, sympathizing, and providing emotional and spiritual support where you can. I am not alone. We are not alone.

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I'm still kind of at a loss as to what I want to share and talk about. I'll think about sitting down and starting a post, but I'll start to think about everything that happened before and what's going on now. Then, I'll decide I don't want to deal with thinking too much so I'll stop and won't even begin the post. I don't want to shutdown and honestly I don't feel like I am totally withdrawn because I am talking to Tom. I am asking questions about the past and trying to better understand what's happened. I am afraid of what we can't control about the future, but I have this sense of hope and I feel like everything will work out. If I didn't have that hope, then I think I would probably fall to pieces and not be able to function. I know that what we can control of the future looks pretty damn bright to me, so I want so desperately for things to just please work out. It doesn't even have to be the easiest way possible...all I am asking for is to find a road in the right direction. 

I took Tom to the doctor last week so that we could get a recommendation on a counselor because I really believe that he needs to work through issues from childhood, grieve for his father, and find a way to cope with the rougher days of ADHD. Then, we can also focus on our relationship together. 

This week, I'm trying to find out if Tom's medical insurance accepts the recommended counselor and set up the first appointment. So far, I think that this one may be out of network which means we might have to try someone else if we can't afford it. 

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Last night, Tom asked me why I haven't posted anything and wondered if I had given up on blogging. I told him I haven't given up but that I didn't know what to say or what to share. He knows that normally I would write about recent spankings, but I haven't done that in a while...not that there haven't been recent spankings around here. I got spanked for both my birthday on the 31st and his birthday on the 13th. I've also been spanked for fun and had few 3-lick consequences come my way. The desire to write is there, but the will and motivation to get started is not. 

Yesterday, I really wanted a long, sound spanking but since I didn't know how I wanted it or for what reason I couldn't bring myself to tell him about it until we were cuddling after we had tried something new to me. 

(NOTE: Anal play ahead...if it's not your cup o' tea, then skip the next four paragraphs.) 

He said early on that he wanted to help give me something to write about, so he decided to pull out a few implements and our Ziploc bag of anal plugs of various sizes. This wasn't totally out of the ordinary and we have used the two smallest plugs before so I wasn't really worried. He started out spanking me while I pleasured him orally. It's strange how I used to hate giving blow jobs, but I actually do not mind giving Tom pleasure in that way and he certainly enjoys them. 

As my level of sexual excitement increased, he picked up the lube and inserted the second to smallest plug. Since it didn't bother me at all, he switched it for the next size up which also slid in without much resistance. Because we hadn't tried this size before, he let me get used to it before pumping it in and out. He then asked if I was ready for the next one. I think on a normal day I probably would have told him no, but for some reason, I offered no resistance. I wanted to trust him completely again, so I let go of control. He picked up the largest one and very slowly eased it in place. This one felt a bit uncomfortable, but I was willing myself to get used to it and it helped when he admitted to me that he was actually smaller around than this one. He made me even more aroused by spanking me a few times as he played with it. Then, he pulled it out and slid a condom on while I grabbed my vibrator. 

I placed the vibrator against my clit, put my ass in the air and laid my head on the bed. He lubed up and very gently eased his cock into my ass. I was rather surprised (and relieved, LOL) when his hips made contact with my butt. After a few moments, he started to slowly pull out and push back in. The sensations were definitely different. With the help of my vibrator, it didn't take long before I was close to an orgasm. Tom ramped up to a hard and fast pace and we were both thrown over the edge into orgasmic bliss. 

It took us both a few minutes to recover and roll off the bed to clean up. He asked me what I thought about it and I said that I had enjoyed it, but definitely would not want to do it very often. It is still very much awkward, although I do like the smallest plugs. 

When we got back into bed, I finally mentioned that I would like to get a longer spanking. I can't remember if I tried to explain it much, but after thinking about it more I believe I know what I'm looking for now. I'm wanting the intimacy of being over his knee. I want to be reassured as my bottom is warmed with his hand. I want to feel cherished as the leather kisses my cheeks. I want to cry and start letting go of the stress as the paddle smacks away the pain from the past. I want to feel relief and calm down as he holds me close because, after all we've been through, I am his. 

I know I am asking a lot and I know everything won't magically be better, but it's a start. 

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Sorry, all. I realize this post seems very disjointed (or at least it does to me), but I'm glad to finally have a post put together enough to publish.