Right now, I feel like it isn't real. I don't know what to think or how to feel. I feel like I haven't had enough time to grieve and to accept this. I still have to get up, go to work, and actually function while I'm there. I have to pick up the boys and get homework done. Thankfully, my fiancé and his brother (who is spending a couple of weeks with us) are able to help even though they are also trying to grieve and figure out how to move on.
This is hard. None of us were ready. It's just not fair. We have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil in the last few months. Things were looking up. We stepped up to help raise our nephews. My fiancé started talking with his two brothers again after years of silence. Life wasn't perfect, but we were adjusting to the changes we were experiencing and coming out better and stronger. Then all of a sudden, this happens. At least, Dad had a chance to see his grandsons in good hands and his boys communicating with each other again. I know he was happy and he knew he was loved by many people.
The funeral service was nice on Saturday. There were pictures, stories, and a slideshow of memories. My fiancé spoke during the service. He told a story, read a letter from his uncle, and also read a very short eulogy that I typed up. The eulogy was meant to be an example that he could go off of, instead it made him realize that I saw the same person he did in his father so he left it as it was and just shared what I said.
My dad, TF III, was a loving husband, father, grandfather, son, brother, and friend to many people. He was a man who knew he could do anything and if he couldnt do it, then he knew he wasnt trying hard enough. He raised his six kids to be strong and independent. When things got tough, there was always one thing you could count on he was always there. He always had his candid advice readily available…whether we wanted it or not. He let us bump our heads until we figured it out, but he was definitely there in the background watching over us.
Even though the service allowed us all to grieve together in the company of family and friends, I didn't feel any closure. I think a big part of that is because we didn't have a chance to have an open-casket and Dad's cremated remains hadn't even arrived yet. So, we had a service...but with nothing physically there to say goodbye to. I am not a religious person, so please forgive me if I do not believe or see things the way you do. I do, however, greatly appreciate the support, thoughts, and prayers that many of you have been sending our way. You are helping us get through this by doing what you can and I want to thank you.
The other part of not feeling closure is not knowing what actually happened. This is eating at me. I want the secondary accident report and the autopsy report. There are unanswered questions and I want answers. My fiancé 's uncle is attempting to request the reports and hopefully then I can start accepting this. I can feel myself pushing down the emotions and avoiding having to deal with them by busying myself with other things. It's not like the world has stopped turning so there are plenty of other things that need to be done...like paying the bills, buying costumes for the boys, and checking on other family members. I've even started reading blogs again, just not as often.
As a side note, I took a little time to make it through the first chapter of Livia Grant's second book, Securing It All, which released on September 26th. This book is as amazing as the first one with its ability to keep you engaged with the characters, and it starts off wonderfully with the main characters beginning their journey to rebuild trust. I definitely look forward to when I feel up to reading the rest of the book and will then be not so patiently waiting for the next release in the series.
Also, I was pleasantly suprised to find out that Livia has her own webpage and blog now! You can check it out here (www.liviagrant.com).
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